Brought to you by the NHS

I am a huge Olympics fan.  I have always loved the opening ceremonies and had a party in college to celebrate them.  It was a lame party because I lived in a very dumpy apartment and we had to watch it on a teeny screen.  Sorry, college friends.

So this year I decided to go all out and have a big fun party to celebrate the London opening ceremony.  After all, I am a huge anglophile.  How could I not celebrate?!  Over 20 people came and we were having a great time.  Then, the ceremony started and we were baffled.  

First, the whole thing was...just...MEH.  Not that interesting.  I mean, sure, the Queen skydiving was great (but man, did she ever look pissed off).  And then, the whole NHS thing started.  What the heck?!  Why would they dance around the NHS logo?  It didn't make any sense.  Should we have this in our next Olympic games?  

Then the whole glowing bed thing happened.  Huh.  Don't really get that so much, either.  

But then the thing went from weird to SCARY!  What the heck were they thinking?  This was like a nightmare!

And then Voldemort appeared and they shot the Dark Mark above the amphitheater.  And then the crowd went berserk and spells were flying around and...wait...wrong story.  

And this, my friends, is what happens if the NHS nurses dance around you.  You turn into a big, scary, dead baby with a bisected skull.  The end of the joyful Olympics.  

 Thankfully, Mr. Bean saved the day with his funny sketch.  I got really depressed when poor Muhammad Ali couldn't grab the flag and I ended the ceremony both baffled, frightened and disappointed.

They should have just had David Beckham run around naked and call it a day.

I am offended for them!

I saw a Febreze commercial today, and it offended me on many levels!  I think all their ads are dumb without being offensive.  You can't tell me that if you fill a car with trash and then spray Febreze that it will no longer smell like garbage.  You can't tell me that a stinky toilet will no longer smell with Febreze around.

 In college, I had roommates that really felt that if they sprayed enough strawberry air freshener in the bathroom, it would hide the unmistakable odor of a twosie.  All that happened was it smelled like doodie AND strawberry stink. That's just the way it goes!  It made me want to hurl even MORE.

 But then, in true Olympic spirit, Febreze creates an ad about these guys. Watch the full two minutes - it does include the ad.

 

OK, wait just a cotton picking minute!  Yes, I get it.  Wrestling stinks.  That is the least of its repulsive qualities, but yes, sweat and rubber mats stink.  But should we really be implying that men from Azerbaijan stink?  I mean, maybe they do, but it seems very rude to me!

Second of all, should we really be using a small unknown country to promote an air freshener?   Seriously.  Did they run this by the U.N. first?

Third of all, sniffing a guy's cup is going to stink.  It may smell like passion fruit, but it's gonna smell like passion fruit and crotch.  Don't even get me started on the effects of spraying all this chemical crap around.

 And finally, really?  A potpourri factory?  A guy suggested this as a scent?   And this isn't scripted?   And, is that a compliment?  I think potpourri stinks.

So, in conclusion, I don't like it!  Stop picking on the poor Azerbaijan men!  And just accept the fact that candles, Scentsys, and air fresheners are never going to eliminate smell completely.

Like a Phoenix from the Ashes, PBS Rises Again

I'm pretty sure that Downton Abbey is the best thing to happen to PBS since, oh, I dunno...Antiques Roadshow.

Great show.  Great soap opera.  Haven't watched it yet?  Go!  It's on Netflix, and online.  Gotta watch in order, though.

Oh, the sick.

Oh, the darn kids that gave me the sick.

I have no energy.  See if these bring back any memories while I attempt to recover.

A Stroll Down Memory Lane (or Channel)

I used to love this show! Did you enjoy it?

Supermarket Sweep

I miss this show. It gave me a whole new understanding of money value. I remember my sister and I shouting at people to go get the expensive hams!

A Message From Beyond

Lately, I've seen a lot of television about psychics and messages from the dead.  Personally, it is not something I agree with and would not participate in it.  But that hasn't stopped me from noticing a pattern, even on the commercials endorsing a show.  The skeptic inside of me reacts, big time.

The psychic will say something like "I'm getting an image of a coat."  And then the vulnerable person, almost ALWAYS a woman, says "Yes!  My father had a coat!"  And this is supposed to prove something?!  Wow, a coat is VERY distinguishable.

I also like it when the psychic says something like "I'm sensing that you have had someone in your family that was sick.  Was there anyone in your family that was sick?"  No s!@#, Sherlock!  There's always someone sick in a family.

But what really, really gets to me is the messages that people who have departed choose to share.  I love it when the psychic says that she's getting a message about buttons.  Or red flowers.  Or something.  And then the vulnerable woman bursts into tears and says "My mother had a button collection/a rose garden/etc."  And then the dead person segues into a message that is something along the lines of "You should keep my button collection shiny."

Now, I miss my dad in a very raw, emotional way.  I know that I won't see him or hear from him again on this earth, and that sometimes makes me really sad.  But if I got contacted by him from beyond the grave and his message was

"Non-Mommy, my coin collection.  Keep my coin collection!"


I would be pissed!  Shouldn't these messages be significant?  Shouldn't they say something like "I left the directions for the universal remote in the third box from the left in the attic?"  or "I buried a chest of gold in the backyard by the rose bush?"  I'd even settle for something sentimental.

I am very skeptical.

Say it isn't so...

The Duggars have an announcement on NBC tomorrow morning.  Please tell me they aren't announcing baby number 20.  Please, please, please.

It's like a car accident.  I am horrified, and yet, can't turn away.

I Can't Stand Her

I admit it.  I used to love the show "Jon and Kate Plus 8."  I couldn't stand HER, but I loved the kids.  When I was working on my master's degree, and was all stressed out, those cute kids really were a pleasant break from the never ending homework.

But then it all went haywire, and I grew to despise Kate Gosselin.  I mean, really, there aren't too many people like her.  Willing to sell out her children.  Horrible to her husband.  Greedy.  Jon?  Well, he's got issues too, but is infinitely more likable than Kate.

So imagine how thrilled I was when I discovered these fine videos.  Dr. Cool Sex has a great playlist on YouTube making fun of Kate, and they have totally nailed it!!!  I won't post them all here, but I'll post some of my favorites.  Enjoy!

Letter to Important People

We interrupt this blog break (my drunk grandmother is here and keeps me from blogging) to present an important letter to the important people in our country.


Dear President Obama, CNN, and all the other fine folks with important news last night,

Wow.  What a night last night!  You really caught us off guard.  While I hate to celebrate the death of any human, it is a relief to know that this evil man can no longer hurt anyone else.  I appreciate that you kept your word about finding him, and that you also managed to keep such a huge secret.

May I politely make a small point?  When you suddenly announce that you are going to be making a speech at 10:30 at night and give absolutely no indication as to why you plan to address the nation, people will naturally wonder what is going on.  It is rather odd that you would address us unexpectedly, at such a late hour.  Then, when you (AND YOU, CNN!) announce that it relates to a security issue, people naturally begin to think of the reasons you could be addressing us late on a Sunday night.

CNN and all of your minions, when you report that they continue to delay the speech, it makes people think that the president is receiving more and more information, people begin to worry.  It begins to sound more and more serious.  Then, when you say that the president is busy calling all the people involved, people worry even more.  What does this mean?  Is the president calling Congress into emergency session?  Is he calling brilliant scientists?  Is he calling the local duct tape factory?

Before we knew what was happening, I admit that I got scared.  I began to think of all the scenarios that could be happening.

It could be war, but that was knocked out of the running by the security issue.

It could be a terrorist attack.

It could be that the scientists were wrong, and radiation has arrived here and is killing us all and we are to duct tape ourselves in our homes.  (But I'm out of duct tape!)

It could be that an asteroid is about to hit.

It could be that aliens are coming for us at this very moment.

It could be that you, Mr. President, are announcing your sudden resignation, a la President Nixon.

It could be that you are alarmed at the rate in which people sneak food into movie theaters, and you felt it important enough to address us late at night.

So you see, Mr. President and news stations everywhere, those few moments induced quite a bit of panic.  Next time do you think you could personally call me first and let me know what is up?  I promise to keep it quiet.  It's just good for my state of mind.

Despite this little snafu, I do want to commend you on a job extremely well done, and also tell Donald Trump to shove it.  You really did have more important things to do than provide him with your birth certificate.  And also, you have nicer hair.

Fondly,
Non-Mommy

Kid Farm!

For some reason, I am oddly drawn to some terrible television. Two shows, in particular, make me completely crazy. Like, I want to poke my eyeballs out with a fork and I can feel my brain slowly leak out of my ears when I watch them. And yet, I cannot stop! Why do I do this to myself?!

Offender number one: (Jon and)Kate Plus Eight. I used to love this show at the beginning. Who wouldn't get all gushy inside watching eight little adorable Korean children? At first, I felt sorry for Jon because Kate was so horrible to her husband. And then, she turned into a skank, which is not good and lowered her stock in my opinion. And then, they both turn from all their former family values. And then, Jon gets into drugs and acts like an idiot. And now? Kate has eight children who are, I fear, doomed to a life of bitter feuding between their parents led by a mother with boobs large enough to be used as life preservers.

Then I saw this, and in a totally ungodly way, I had to laugh:



The next show I watch that seriously liquifies my brain faster than the sun melts an ice cube is that darn Duggar show!! These people make me insane!!!! I have no problem with large families (I'd like one of my own, actually) and I have no problems with homeschooling (really!), but these people...shouldn't Arkansas run them out of their state? I mean, are they really proud of them? I do respect that the Duggars are firm in their beliefs and do what they believe is right, but good golly, Miss Molly, this family is...interesting.

This video is hysterical, especially if you have seen the Duggar show.

I do feel like I should warn you that there are some words that you may not want young children to hear in this video. It's worth coming back to watch!



My idea of a good show? A reality show about a single blonde living in the midwest who just wants to find a rich man, move to an island (a sun free island, of course - no skin cancer here!) and raise a family of beautiful children.

And if this rich man could have a cute accent, say a Scottish one, and maybe if he had a brother that was a pool man so that I could have a pool but not have to maintain it...

I think this is a great idea!