Brought to you by the NHS

I am a huge Olympics fan.  I have always loved the opening ceremonies and had a party in college to celebrate them.  It was a lame party because I lived in a very dumpy apartment and we had to watch it on a teeny screen.  Sorry, college friends.

So this year I decided to go all out and have a big fun party to celebrate the London opening ceremony.  After all, I am a huge anglophile.  How could I not celebrate?!  Over 20 people came and we were having a great time.  Then, the ceremony started and we were baffled.  

First, the whole thing was...just...MEH.  Not that interesting.  I mean, sure, the Queen skydiving was great (but man, did she ever look pissed off).  And then, the whole NHS thing started.  What the heck?!  Why would they dance around the NHS logo?  It didn't make any sense.  Should we have this in our next Olympic games?  

Then the whole glowing bed thing happened.  Huh.  Don't really get that so much, either.  

But then the thing went from weird to SCARY!  What the heck were they thinking?  This was like a nightmare!

And then Voldemort appeared and they shot the Dark Mark above the amphitheater.  And then the crowd went berserk and spells were flying around and...wait...wrong story.  

And this, my friends, is what happens if the NHS nurses dance around you.  You turn into a big, scary, dead baby with a bisected skull.  The end of the joyful Olympics.  

 Thankfully, Mr. Bean saved the day with his funny sketch.  I got really depressed when poor Muhammad Ali couldn't grab the flag and I ended the ceremony both baffled, frightened and disappointed.

They should have just had David Beckham run around naked and call it a day.

Evita Jackson

So in case you have missed it, Michael Jackson's mother is allegedly missing.  Michael's children (Prince, Paris and Blanket) haven't seen their legal guardian in over a week and haven't been allowed to talk to her.  

Katherine's children, who are pissed that she won't give them more money (in a nutshell) insist that she is just fine!  She's resting and the doctors won't allow her to talk to the children.  You know, the children she's been taking care of!!!

Is it just coincidence that her adult children are upset about money and then she vanishes?  No!  No coincidence at all!

Could she just make a quick phone call?  Apparently not.  Could she Skype?  Nope.  Could she send them an email?  No.  Something is very fishy and it begins to remind me of Norman Bates.  What is going on?  And more importantly, are you freaking kidding me?  Could this family be more of a freak show?

But then, surprise!  They release a picture of Katherine!  She may not be able to communicate with the kids or anyone else, but she sure is able to play Uno!  Of course!

Now, instead of reminding me of Norman Bates, I'm thinking more along the lines of Eva Peron's restless corpse.  You know, the corpse that was well preserved and dragged all around the world, stuffed in attics, closets, and even in a dining room where her hair was brushed every day and a woman climbed into the coffin to absorb her magical powers.

I think they've had Katherine preserved!  She's been hiding in Germaine's closet and he dragged her out and propped her up to the table to look like she's having a great time playing Uno.

All in a day's work in this freaking family!

......Anderson.

How could you do this to me?

The day after I wrote about you!  The day after!

We would have been so wonderful together. 

My phone has been ringing and dinging all day about this.  I am hurt you didn't call me personally and break the news to me. 

Anderson.

ANDERSON!

*SOB*

(Thank you, Emily, for breaking it to me gently.)

Ouch.

I have a well documented love affair with Anderson Cooper.  He's incredibly good looking, intelligent, funny, and generous.  What is not to love?  When I mention this, people undoubtedly look at me, cock their head and say "But isn't he gay?"

HE HASN'T COME OUT YET!  DON'T SPOIL MY DREAMS!

I'm sure if he met me, I could convince him to come to my team.

At the end of the school year, we had "Name Day" where you could select a new name for the day.  I selected "Mrs. A. Cooper."  I thought it was very clever until a teacher came up to me and said "Heh...heh.  Alice Cooper.  Funny."  Not Alice, ANDERSON!!!!!

While I am visiting my loving grandmother, she is intent on squashing out any positive self esteem that I might still possess.  This includes regular conversations about my weight, hair, and clothing.  In one breath she is encouraging me to order a heinously bad for you dessert and in the next, she's insulting me.  If I weighed 85 pounds, it wouldn't be thin enough for her.

Of course, she does not think that I should have a crush on Anderson.  Her answer to me? 

"Non-Mommy, you can't be with Anderson Cooper.  He's too small for you!  You need a big man!"

Apparently, his celebrity isn't a problem for her.  The fact that I will never meet him isn't a problem for her.  The rumor that he is gay isn't a problem for her.  No, the problem is that he's too small for me.

Shoot me now.

Was I Right, or Was I Right?

Did I not call this before?  How could Tom Cruise be shocked?  We could see this coming from a mile away!

I am sooo happy.  Sooooo happy.  Not faking it at all.

To quote myself:

Why do celebrities pretend that they are all comfy cozy when they split?  Someday, we'll see a statement from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.  And hopefully it goes something like this:

"After a horribly abusive relationship in which I was henpecked and controlled by a remote control, I have decided to leave Tom.  I was tired of his scientology vitamins and how he made me go everywhere with him, even when he had to pee.  We had a horrible fight and I called my lawyer.  Unfortunately, Tom has some maniac control over me and my children and he will keep Suri while I move to the midwest and start a family with another man, pretending like I never had any kids prior to them."

Good luck keeping your kid, Katie!  Call Nicole Kidman if you want any tips on how to keep her.

I don't miss you.

I really can't stand Oprah Winfrey.  She's such a freaking know it all and everyone seems to worship her! It sure has been great to not see her tooting her own horn, lecturing everyone and being generally obnoxious.

I saw this the other day and just had to share.  This sums up how ridiculous I think it is that women all over this country worship Oprah.



My love Anderson Cooper will always be my favorite.

Always, Andy.

She didn't see that one coming!

How come Dionne Warwick didn't warn Whitney not to take a bath?  And how out of it do you have to be to not wake up when your face goes in the bath water?

Psychic fail!

What-ever!

Sadly, divorce is a big part of my life.  Not personally, no, but working with families means that I regularly deal with families that are breaking up or have permanently broken up.  It's never easy for anyone - adults or children.  I've been witness to some pretty horrific fights between divorcing adults.  In my teaching career, I have worked with maybe three families that actually still manage to stick together and be civil even when divorce has happened.  The rest, for the most part, get UGLY.  Some of them are slightly ugly and some are psychotically ugly.

So, when I read about celebrity divorces and hear their statements, they make me laugh.  LAUGH!

This is a look that says "BFF."

"Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends."  - Russell Brand Katy Perry

OK, let's define what a friend is.  In my mind, a friend is someone that you want to hang out with.  A friend is the person who you go out to dinner with and invite over to your kid's birthday party.  A friend might give you a birthday gift and call you on the phone just to chat.  So, Russell and Katy, are you doing these things?  I highly doubt it!  I don't buy for a second that you're still friends!

"And I....will always love youuuuuuuuu!"

Zac Efron said that he and Vanessa Hudgens were "100% staying friends."

Really?  Do you think Vanessa invites him over to watch "The Bachelor" on TV?  Does she call Zac when she needs to find a dress for a wedding?  Color me skeptical!

We've always done things in our marriage that command respect!

“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate.  We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children’s sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy.”  Seal and Heidi Klum 

So when they are fighting and throwing things at one another, do you suppose they have the deepest respect for one another?  While this is a well-written statement, I'm still a little doubtful about the rosy situation in the Seal/Heidi home!

We will always go on picnics, no matter what!

“Recently, after much thought and discussion, Ellen and I have decided to end our relationship.  It was a mutual decision and we are both happy and remain best friends. We both plan to move forward and focus on our separate lives. We ask that you please respect our privacy during this time.”  Jon Gosselin

So, Jon Gosselin, will you still be calling your BFF Ellen when your dog dies?  Will you ask her to babysit your eight kids while you have a doctor's appointment?  Will Jon Gosselin be the first person to come visit Ellen when she has a baby with her next boyfriend/husband?  I don't think so!  Lies, again!

But then, finally, we get some truth from Ashton Hairy Kutcher, of all people!  Look what he has to say about the demise of Demi Moore:

Ooh, do you think they made this cake with aerosol whipped cream?  Wonder where the cans are?

"Ashton is deeply concerned for Demi.  He still cares about her and wants the best for her. But their marriage is ending and they are both moving on with their lives."  

That's right.  Ashton just publicly said that he, basically, cares but doesn't because their marriage is over and he's moving on.  Send him a Christmas card, ok Demi?

I am sooo happy.  Soooooo happy.  Not faking it at all.

Why do celebrities pretend that they are all comfy cozy when they split?  Someday, we'll see a statement from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.  And hopefully it goes something like this:

"After a horribly abusive relationship in which I was henpecked and controlled by a remote control, I have decided to leave Tom.  I was tired of his scientology vitamins and how he made me go everywhere with him, even when he had to pee.  We had a horrible fight and I called my lawyer.  Unfortunately, Tom has some maniac control over me and my children and he will keep Suri while I move to the midwest and start a family with another man, pretending like I never had any kids prior to them."

I'm Befuddled

I'm easily confused.  I mean, hello, I am a natural blonde.  But there are a few things that I don't understand, and I'm hoping you'll explain the rationale to me.

People leaving their dogs in cars.

I've been noticing that there is an old woman that leaves her dog in her car during church.  The other day, I noticed that there were dogs in a car at the gym, too.  Can people really not leave their dogs for like an hour to go to church or the gym?  What do they do when it's too warm to leave them in the car?  And I doubt they are guard dogs, because these are fluffy little dogs.  What's the deal?

The LOST Liars

I was a huge, huge LOST fan.  The producers promised us that at the end of the show, they wouldn't all be dead.  This led me to religiously watch and analyze each and every episode trying to figure it all out.  Well, and let's be honest.  This guy might have been an incentive to watch, too.

So then we go through six years of the show, and SURPRISE, they're all dead.  What the heck?  Why lie about it?  And then say "Oh, yeah and as soon as the show is over, we won't give interviews either" because you know that everyone will be pissed at you.  Not cool, J.J. Adams and Damon Lindeloff.  Not cool.  And I'm still bitter.

People That Don't Use Their Garage for the Intended Purpose

Now, this issue really doesn't apply to people that live in warm climates.  But I never understand why people fill their garage with crap and then park their cars outside.  Do they like having to get up early and warm up the car?  Do they enjoy having to scrape the windshield every day, or brush off snow?  Why would you opt to do that when you could park your car in a warm, dry room that allows you to not step outside in winter's fury?  Really, if your garage is full of crap, are you using it anyway?  Shouldn't you just toss it and put your cars in the garage instead?

Sucky, Sucky Grief

It's coming up on two years since my dad passed away and I'm suddenly all emotional for no reason!  It's so weird!  You'll be going along mostly fine, pretty much accepting that he's gone forever and then all the sudden you're a soppy mess.  What's the deal?!  How long will this go on?

And finally, NETFLIX.

Netflix, how I loved thee.  For years I've been a member of yours and loved it.  It was affordable, I could get pretty much any movie I wanted, and life was good.  But then, you had to go and screw it all up with your price change, company name change, company name change redaction, and getting all those movie companies to yank their movies from you.  Now, the streaming movies suck and you keep not adding new content.  I'm just waiting and waiting for someone else, like iTunes, to come up with a similar service and then I'm switching for good.  I just don't understand what happened.  You had a total monopoly!  Did you get greedy?  Was it mismanagement?  Whatever it was, I have fond memories but I'm ready to move on from you.  I hope your predecessor will work with my Apple TV.

Cold lips freeze ships

I recently purchased some Buxom lip gloss at a Sephora store.  Apparently, it's supposed to plump your lips and make them, well, buxom.  When the girl told me about it, I asked her if I could put it on my boobs and she didn't even laugh.  Come on!

Anyway, one of the perks of this lip gloss is that it tingles and cools your lips.  It feels kind of cool and is  a reminder that my lips are getting more buxom by the second.  I'm pleased with it.

But the Buxom makers forgot one teeny, tiny detail.  The cool, tingly effect is fine and dandy in a normal temperature range.  I found out, the hard way, that the cold air enhances the cooling effect.  As I walked across the dark parking lot in twenty degree weather, I began to fear that my lips were being frozen off of my face.  My lips felt like I had ice cubes glued to them.  By the time I got to the door, my lips were looking like those of Charo...

or Lisa Rinna...

Or even, God forbid, Taylor Armstrong.

I feared that my frozen lips would impede my ability to teach.  Or that I'd trip over my now plump lips because they are frozen and numb and I can't see that I'm about to step on them.

This is not good.  I'd like to catch a man, not repel one with my lips of frozen cod.  So, Buxom, I will no longer be able to wear you in the winter.  Sorry.

But I really do like your product!  Perhaps a winter version could warm cold lips instead?

My New Year's Resolutions

It's the end of the year and most people make resolutions for the new year to come. Do they stick with them? Not typically. I've considered changes I could make to a new year, but it's always so boring. It's always the same thing. It's always something unattainable. So today, I, Non-Mommy, resolve to accomplish the following tasks in the year 2012:

I resolve to wash my car more than twice a year. So what if it's a waste of money, water, and the car will only stay clean for a few moments? Take pride in your ride, Non-Mommy!

I resolve to consider online dating. Consider. And people (MOM! SISTER!) that nag me about it will only firm my resolution to consider it, and not do it!

I resolve to get my nephew to really and truly try a piece of meat. This is going to be difficult. He's a tough nut to crack.

I resolve to try and slip "That's what she said" into at least one conversation a day.

And finally, I resolve to not give up on the dream of getting together with Anderson Cooper. He's sweet, he's funny, he's intelligent, and he's...oh...where's a good synonym for "happy" when you need one?

Hey. There is always hope.

Death by Ladle

This school year has been quite a challenge for me. I've moved schools and grade levels. I'm teaching a much younger age group than I am accustomed to, and that has come with its pros and cons.

Pros include very affectionate children that are extremely enthusiastic and appreciate the tiniest things.

Cons include tattling, tattling, lack of independence, and tattling.

Being in a building with teeny, tiny children has been a lot of fun.  Every morning I stand in the hallway and watch the teeny little children in their puffy coats, hat and mittens.  They don't even know me, but that doesn't stop them from telling me all kinds of details.  I feel like a goddess when I walk down the hallway.  Little adorable children come up and fling their arms around me saying random things like "I love you!"  "You're my brother's after school bus holding area!"  "Today is my teacher's birthday!"  "I ate cereal for breakfast!"  It doesn't matter if they don't know me, or I don't know them.

Back in my classroom, my students are taller than these kids, but their enthusiasm is equally high.  The week before winter break means that my students are at MAXIMUM ENTHUSIASM!!!!!!!!  They speak a mile a minute, they fight, and they come in on a sugar high before school even begins.  And let's be honest.  I'm tired and less than patient.  Not a good combo.

On the last day of school, we were going to do hot chocolate in our classroom.  I'm ten miles from the nearest water source, and have two outlets in my classroom, so planning was of the essence.  I filled a Crock Pot with water, carried it the ten miles back to my room, and plugged it in to make sure it was warm on time.  Our grade level was showing "The Polar Express" and was going to have hot chocolate
after the movie.  As it turns out, very few of the teachers got the supplies they needed, or the movie, so I ended up with several classes in my classroom.  It was packed, and my room smelled like stinky feet.  A little trouble maker from another class was seated near my Crock Pot and I basically told him with my eyes that anything that would happen to the Crock Pot would mean eternal torture.

The movie ended, everyone left the room, and I went to prepare the hot chocolate only to find...

HE HAD TURNED THE CROCK POT OFF.

I had cold water.  Miles from a water source, no way to heat up water.

I seriously thought I was going to beat the kid with my ladle.

All day long, the kids were wild.  This was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Ms. Non-Mommy was NO LONGER HAVING FUN.

So what that the kids were excited about hot chocolate?

So what that they didn't know that I was planning to load the cups with huge globs of whipped cream?

So what that they didn't know that I was going to put sprinkles and a candy cane in the hot chocolate?

All the fun was sucked out.  All I wanted to do was go home and rock in the corner, sucking my thumb.

I felt like Kate Gosselin.  You know what I mean.  Kate "We're going to have fun and make memories, damn it!!!!!!!" Gosselin.  Kate "I make everyone miserable" Gosselin.

I mechanically made the kids large, sweet hot chocolates.  I was grumbling in my head.  I just wanted the day to be over.  Why do I bother trying to make my classroom homey?  Why do I bother to do fun things that the other teachers don't even do?  Why do I put myself through the trouble?  No one even appreciates it.

And then, a sweet, sweet child said something that jerked me right out of my pity party.  This child is a very angry child due to sad life circumstances.  Everything in his life has changed in the last 6 months, and he's been fighting it every step.  He's always so unhappy.

I gave him his hot chocolate.  He smiled and said

"This is the best day ever.  I feel so cozy and special."

Cozy and special.

In two words, that child summarized the reason I go to school every day.  It isn't unnoticed.  And from that child, it's high praise indeed.  Of all the children in the world, this child needs to feel cozy and special.

With a little pep in my step, and a second wind, I went around and squirted a blob of whipped cream in each child's mouth.  And they loved it.

A Hairy Situation

I generally try to stay out of politics. The less I know the better. I know, I know. Not patriotic of me. But it keeps my blood pressure low and also keeps me from ranting about the fact that, apparently, no one reads the freaking constitution!!!

Anyway, there is one thing that I am willing to discuss in relation to politics.  And that, my friends, is the beast that we call Hillary Clinton's hair.  Seriously.  You know, you can say and do all that you want in the public eye, but image talks.  And Hillary's hair has PUH-LENTY to say.  Let's lean in and listen to its messages...

The above look says: "I am president of the Future Homemakers of America!  Would you like a biscuit?"

The above look says:  "My armpit hair is just as long.  And, hey, birds of a feather flock together!"

The above look says: "Would you like my recipe for making scrambled eggs in the microwave?  And by the way, these pants are HAWT."

The above look says: "Kids, we're gonna have to eat this cake by ourselves.  Uncle Joey didn't make parole again."  Name that movie.

 The above look says:  "My pants go up to my boobs!"

The left look says: "I will cut you."  The right look says: "I'm trying to channel my inner Martha Stewart."

The above look says "Power.  Femininity.  Patriotism.  I finally got someone to decently do my hair."

The above look says "I like to spend 18 hours a day writing curriculum for teachers that no one will use, but oh well!"

The above look says:  "It's time to wash my face, put on my most comfy pajamas and curl up on the couch with a glass of wine."

The above look says "Hoke?  Where are my papers?  My papers.  I had them all corrected last night and I put them in the front so I wouldn’t forget them on my way to school. What did you do with them? The children will be so disappointed if I don’t give them their homework back."  Name that movie.

This look says:  "Did you remember to put more wiper fluid out at pump ten?  Did you restock the coolers with Red Bull?"

Yes, Hill, your hair is talking.  Is this really what you are trying to say?