Sugar Daddy Needed

I really, really don't want to work.  I'm enjoying not working.  Where's the rich guy who is going to provide enough for me to be able to live on a desert island (sunburn free, of course!), adopt children from all over the planet, take us on fabulous trips regularly, and provide for all my needs?

I don't think I'm asking too much!

I've Got a Fever

I've got a fever, and the prescription is NOT more cowbell.  I've got baby fever.  BIG TIME.  But there are a few problems.  See, I don't even have a date.  Let alone a significant other.  And apparently, these pesky kids need a father - who knew?!?  So, no children on the horizon at this time.

This doesn't mean that my eggs are not getting more brittle by the second.  This doesn't mean that I'm not sick of being single.  This doesn't mean that I don't want a family in a bad, bad way.  I have pondered this many times.  I have thought about being a single mother.  The problem is, how to go about it?

Kidnapping one of those Duggars.  Would they really miss one?  I mean, really?  But what if they grew up like Jim Boob?  I'm not sure my heart could take it.  Plus, if I try to kidnap someone I'm kind of a wuss and don't think I'd do well in jail.

Going to one of those anonymous donation places, if you get my drift.  This is quite a gamble.  How do you select a father for a child based on a form?  The choices, it's too much!  A tall child would be nice, they could clean the top of the fridge for me.  But an average sized child would be nice because they don't feel like they stand out.  A short child could be considered cute, and I would like a cute child.  And then, I'm very pale (read:  pigmentally challenged) so do I want to pick a donor that will give my child a chance at some skin pigmentation?  Do I look for a fellow half-albino so that my child looks like me?  And then there's the whole gross out issue of a donation from a stranger.  I don't want to put anyone else's snot anywhere near my body, so other bodily fluids...

Adoption.  Adoption is actually very near and dear to my heart.  I'd adopt a house full of children in a heart beat.  But is anyone going to want to send a child to a single mother with no money?  And, I'm a bit like that book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.  If you give me one kid, I'll end up with a house full and I'll end up having to have my mother as a permanent caretaker for my child zoo.  I'd also be a total hypocrite because I've been steaming mad about the Duggars going for a 20th kid.

Praying for a miracle.  It could be an interesting life having people arise up and calling me blessed.  But that's a whole lot of pressure, and I don't like to stand with my head cocked and my hands outspread.

So, I'm up a creek without a paddle.  In the meantime, I'm drooling other over people's children and wishing that someone in my family would have a baby that I could cuddle and spoil.  My nephew is getting too big to cuddle, and my cuddle bank is running low.

Seriously, I'm sick of being single.  Really.  Ideas?

I Can Dream!

True Confessions

1. I walk my dog with a baggie in my hand so that it LOOKS like I will pick up her excrement, but I can't really do it. I just carry the bags for appearances.

2. Every morning for breakfast I eat an egg omelet with spinach, mushrooms and feta and a mini whole wheat bagel with hummus. It almost makes it worth getting up at the butt crack of dawn.

3. I recently purchased socks with different patterns on the bottoms specifically so that I could make sure that I wasn't accidentally wearing one sock more than all of the others.

4. I throw away all the dumb cartoons and advertisements that people post in the restroom. Look, I'm not interested in customizing a bag for every day of the week, a beach bag, a library bag, an overnight bag, a work bag, etc. I also don't need any Mary Kay. And, those cartoons are not funny.

5. Tonight while walking my dog, I heard a weird mechanical noise and immediately my mind went to the Smoke Monster from LOST.

6. I have never colored my hair. This is virgin hair. It has taken a vow of chastity for all time and eternity.

7. I have become part of a church that is a new denomination to me, and I love it. Love it.

8. I play the piano 200 times worse if I think anyone, even my mother or neighbors, can hear me play.

9. I love trashy shows like "Little Britain," "Absolutely Fabulous" and basically any show on Bravo TV.

10. I am more content and relaxed than I have been in a long, long time right now. It feels good.

Single Woman Saturday

Single?  Hoping to find love on a Saturday night?  Try using this seductive pose to pick up the man of your dreams!

Single Woman Saturday

Single on a Saturday night?  Needing tips on how to make it work with your latest romantic interest?  Take some of these dating tips and experience success!

I Will be 95 When My Kids Graduate

Apparently, there has been some sort of conspiracy against me.   Or else, it's "National Bug the You-Know-What Out of Non-Mommy" week/year/decade/whatever.

I'm not making this up.  I'm also not really that bothered by this, but it's been a little repetitive this week/year/decade/whatever.  See if you can find what might be bugging me.

Student's parent: So, you should really take your children to that museum.  How old are your children? What?  You don't have children?  I'm sorry, I just assumed that you did, Mrs. Non-Mommy.  (How the heck do I have their child for a year and they don't know that I'm childless/not married?!  And it's MS. NON-MOMMY, thank you very much!!)


My dad, talking to someone else:  Oh, being a grandparent is just the most wonderful thing ever.  I just love that boy so much.  And I had to wait so long, too. I was beginning to think it was never going to happen!  My oldest daughter still hasn't found anyone yet.  (THANKS, Dad. Sorry I let you down! Oh geez.)

Friend who called me in the middle of the night:  I'm tired of you never being able to go out on dates with us, or that our kids can't play together.  Maybe you should go to a sperm bank!  You only have a few good years left before your eggs get old.

Insurance rep at work to talk to us about cafeteria plans, disability, etc.:  Well, Non-Mommy, is there any chance that you'll be trying for a baby soon?  If so, you definitely should sign up for disability because blah blah blah.  (No, there is no chance.)  Oh really? Not even in the next three years?  (No.) You really don't see yourself having a child in the next three years?  If there is even a chance, you should really take out this policy.  (LOOK, BUDDY, NO. If you can predict the future, then go right ahead, but no, as of now, the child forecast calls for no new action in the next three years! But thanks for the painful reminder!)  Ok, well, Non-Mommy, I also see that you're entering a new age bracket.   Now, if you are interested in taking out this policy, you really need to take it out now, because as you get older, and move into the next age bracket, it gets significantly more expensive.  (AHHHHH!!!! You have got to be kidding me.  First, children, now, you're calling me old?!  Get me out of here!  Where is the nearest exit?  Thank you for really hitting me below the belt, you fat loser!  YES, yes, I admit it, I'm no longer the cute, young teacher.  WAHHHH!!!)

Twit at a child's birthday party, where I was the only non-mother: You're going to be a great mother.  I can't wait to see what your kids look like.  (Thanks.  I'm a little curious, myself.)  So do you want to start a family any time soon?  (No. I don't.  I have a black heart.  I never want to be with anyone, or have children.  I've decided to go through life, shunning the traditional family unit and instead go to events such as this, and stare at other people's children.  What does she expect me to say? I  mutter something like "Sure, when the time is right.")  Well, have you considered single parent adoption? (Um, I don't need your help planning out my life, thanks!  And I'd kinda like the kid to have a father!   Wait. Hunkle, my sister's hot brother in law is available.  Maybe I should go work on him!   We'd have gorgeous children!  Excuse me while I go seduce this man who is physically a million times out of my league.)


Student who is going to give me gray hair before my time, in the middle of a lesson about the branches of government:  How come you're not married?  And don't have kids?   I've never had a teacher who wasn't married before.  Have you tried internet dating?

My own mother!!! (Holding my nephew on her lap.) All I need now, Non-Mommy, is another baby on my other leg. (I already have children.  With Superman.  They are currently  on another planet, safe from Lex Luther.)  [Really, Mom, I'm not mad at all.  Don't take this personally.]

But hey, no pressure.

Excuse me while I go reserve a space at the nearest nursing home, and try to convince my eggs to stay young.  And bang my head against the wall.

Single Woman Saturday

 

 

Single Woman Saturday

Single?  Trying to find Mr. Right?  Follow these helpful dating tips and you won't be single for long!

Single Woman Saturday

A weenie roast! Why didn't I think of that?!

Single Woman Saturday

Sitting alone on a Saturday night, wishing you had a date?  Follow this handy tip for making yourself more appealing to the opposite sex!

Technology is awesome

Right now, one of my closest friends is in labor.  She's texting me a whole lot, which means that things aren't really rolling too much.  I wanted to take a nap, but I'm too excited!

You know, as the only single woman on the planet, with eggs that are rapidly approaching geriatric status, you'd think I'd be used to this.  All of my friends have babies.  All of them.  And yet, each time they go into labor I'm ridiculously excited and a nervous wreck.  I want to be there!  I worry about if they are in pain or not.  And yes, part of me just wants to get my hands on that kid.

As an aside, I'd just like to say that I want to see someone give birth.  I know it's gross, but I don't care.  I just want to see a live birth!  No one ever takes me up on it, not even my sister.  My cousin would probably let me, but she lives a million miles away and has no plans for a Non-Mommy, Jr. either.  I am screwed.

Anyway, soon I will get to snuggle with a new baby.  They don't do much, but there isn't much better than holding a warm bundle of new goodness.

(Please note the restraint I have shown in not complaining about it never being my turn!  Also, if you know any single men, please leave me their pertinent contact information.  

Single Woman Saturday

Single?  Saturday night?  Try this helpful tip to catch yourself a date for the next weekend:

With this sexy "walking pivot" you won't be single for long!

Friends in Low Places

 After I graduated college, I made lots of friends.   I've always had plenty of friends.  It became a little weird when my friends started getting married.  Sure, I was still friends with the person, but then they had a spouse to worry about.  And spend time with.  After the honeymoon period, the friends would start wanting to do things again - only when their husbands were gone.  I didn't mind that, but it does get old after a while.  Then, those friends started popping out babies.  The first time around, it was so fun, so cute, so blah blah blah.   NOW, however, their time was really in a crunch. Not only did they have a spouse to think about and plan around, they also have a little poop machine that dominates all their time and thoughts.  Suddenly, doing anything with these friends involves careful planning and sitter finding.  Again, I don't mind this, it's just kind of inconvenient for "Free as a Bird Non-Mommy."

THEN, evidently these friends didn't figure out that sex = babies, so they KEPT popping them out! One of my friends is pregnant with her fourth baby. The other is due in March.  I readily admit - this is very weird for me. Partly because I thought I'd be in this place, too, and I haven't gotten there yet. Mostly I'm OK with that, though.  I just miss having single friends.  When they invite me over, it's me...and the couples.   I hear things a lot like "I can't wait until you get married so we can go on a double date." Thanks.  Helpful.   Conversations on the phone generally go like this:


Me: Hello?

Them: Hi, how are you?

Me: Good, how are you?

Them: Oliver didn't sleep all night long.

Me: That sucks.

Them: Hang on. *Yelling* JACOB!  I told you not to draw on that with markers!

Me: Do you need to go?

Them: No, I'm good.  JACOB, I'm serious.

Me: So, what's new?

Them: [Kid screaming into phone]

Me: I can really let you go.

Them: No, really it's fine.

Me: OK.

Them: I gotta go.


Again, I love my friends, married or not.   However, the problem these days is, I'm basically stuck with zero single people.  None.   Zip.  Zilch.  This isn't even about dating, it's just about wanting friends in a similar life stage as me.


The conundrum is, what to do?  How do you meet people?   I don't want to hang out in bars.  It's not my thing, it's gross, and I'm way beyond the partying stage.   I just don't want to.  Put an ad in the paper? "Help me, I'm single and just want a friend. But I'm really not as lame as this ad sounds."  Join a club?  What club?  And finally, the church option is always there.  Locally, there are no churches I want to go to.  I have tried them, and their singles groups.   The single people are either 18 years old (And, like, so, like excited about college!) or 40 year old divorcees (Sigh.  Their father didn't pay child support again.).  Hence the reason I went for years to Gigantor Church even though it's a billion miles away.  At least I got something out of it.  But it was so far away, it was hard to get involved.  So I switched churches to a closer one, not gigantor, but not dinky either.   I finally signed up to join a singles group.


I have to tell you how much HATE this kind of thing.  It's usually held in homes.  Do you have any idea how much fun it is to drive to a stranger's home and just walk in?  My stomach hurts just thinking about it.  It completely blows.  Plus, if you get there and there are a million cars with fish stickers all over them and then you get in and they are freaks, you are stuck.   Hopelessly stuck.

Churches seems to sense this is a major problem for people, and so they have huge get togethers.   You go, and then kind of get into a group and see what you think.   I must not be the only chicken, because there are always plenty of people saying things like "We know this is awkward, yadda yadda yadda."


Even though I know going to these events is not just for finding men, but also single friends, you know what it's going to be like.   Everyone that walks in is going to be fresh meat, and there are lions waiting to pounce!  They are going to look around and think "Too fat, too bossy, not enough clothing, oh yes, now SHE could be my wife!"  Yes, yes, I know this is all in my mind.  But that's what I feel like it's going to be!  I imagine it'll be a feeding frenzy.



I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!

Bis vivit qui bene vivit

About a year ago, I sat in the front yard of my parents' house, watching my dad scramble all over the roof at precarious angles, installing Christmas lights.  He was crawling around like a monkey and scaring the crap out of me.  From my sunny spot on the grass, I yelled "If you kill yourself, I will be really mad at you.  I still need you!"

Four months later, my beloved father passed away unexpectedly. 

For years I have longed more than anything in the world to be married and have children.  For years I have been frustrated and driven to tears that I was still alone.  This, my friends, has been one of the greatest gifts of my singleness, and it took one of my biggest nightmares for me to realize it.

I have been single and going at it alone for a long time.  It hasn't been easy, but because I have no family of my own, I frequently found myself with my parents.  There was no juggling of holiday schedules - it was just the three of us.  If I wanted to get away for a weekend?  Go spend the weekend at Mom and Dad's.
 
My father and I have always been close.  I could talk to him unlike anyone else.  We had similar senses of humor.  He was so giving and loving.  I loved to spend time with him.  I loved to go to the hardware store with him, even as an adult.  I enjoyed going on motorcycle rides with him.  I liked that at night, when my mom would go to bed early, Dad and I would still be up late talking.  We spoke on the phone almost every day.  The last year of his life he was traveling quite a bit.  I made a concerted effort to call him every time that he traveled so that he wouldn't get lonely.

He was the only man in my life.  I could always count on him.  He could talk me off of a ledge better than anyone.  Tonight I lay in bed, tears streaming down my face, missing him so much it literally takes my breath away.  But through the tears, I am still so very thankful for this season of singlehood in my life.  I was able to get to know my father on a much deeper level because I had the time for it.  How blessed was I?

After his death, people would cluck sympathetically and ask if we were close.  I think regardless of closeness, death will always hurt.  But what really shocks me is how many people say to me "I can't imagine how much that hurts, but I can't even THINK about losing my mom."  I find this so sad.  Don't get me wrong.  I am extremely close to my mother and I don't even want to try to imagine my life without her.  But it's sad that in our society, fathers are not stepping up to the plate.  It's sad that their value is downplayed.  Fathers are so critically important.  I had the best.

In the next few weeks, I face some hard times ahead without my dad.  It seems like he was just here.  It is wrong that he's gone.  I don't wish him back.  I know he's in a better place.  But I still long for a tight hug from him.  For a phone call from him.  For him to try to show me some ridiculous plane crash video that he found online (that requires me to ask "This isn't one of those trick videos that anything will jump out of and scare me, is it?").  To listen to him sing as loudly as he could in church, his toe tapping and his hands beating the rhythm on the pew in front of him.

He may not have been the man I was looking for during this season of my life, but I was never alone.  I had my dad.  And I'm so grateful for that time.

Yep, I've Still Got It

Scene:  Panera Bread.  A group of girls meets together.  As the group of girls decides to leave, Non-Mommy goes to pick up half a dozen bagels for work tomorrow.  An 18 year old cashier named Antuan, wearing his cap sideways on his head, goes to take the order.

Non-Mommy:  I need a half dozen bagels, please.

Antuan:  Well, yo, it's almost closing time.  How 'bout I give 'em to you for free?

Non-Mommy:  That would be awesome!

Other Girl:  Do you normally have to throw them away at the end of the night?

Antuan:  Someone comes to pick them up.

Non-Mommy:  So, I want a Cinnamon Crunch, Chocolate Chip, Blueberry....

Antuan:  Woah, woah, woah, slow down!  Why you gotta speak so fast?  I can't keep up.  

Non-Mommy:  Sorry.

Antuan:  [wink]

Non-Mommy:  OK, I want a cinn...a...mon...crunch.....

Antuan: [packs up the bagels] So whatchoo girls doin' here, anyways?

Other Girl:  Oh we had a meeting here.  We'll be back, I think we're going to meet here everytime.

Antuan:  DAYUM.  Good thing I always works late.

Non-Mommy:  I'll be back if I get free bagels every night.

Antuan:  Have a good night.

Non-Mommy and Other Girl:  Thanks [turn to walk away]

Antuan:  I'll give you all the free bagels you want.  Maybe I'll get lucky.

Non-Mommy:  Did he just really say that?

Other Girl:  I think so.  He's yelling something else, but I don't know what.  

Non-Mommy:  [Yells back to Antuan] Don't count on it!!!!!

*I've still got it (I say as I snap my fingers, and waggle my head).  Yep.  I can pick up 18 year old cashiers at Panera.  My life rocks.

Dedicated to my One True Love

You know, we were meant to be.  We have the same initials.  We are both intelligent.  We both have blue eyes.  We both love to travel.

 

Recently, Anderson has been concerned about me.

 

Major stress?  Swine flu?  Appendectomy?  The death of my father?  All since last September?  Yep, Anderson was thinking only of me, all this time.

 

"What can I do for my love to perk her up?  I remember how much I suffered from the death of my father."

 

"I've got the perfect idea.  Something that will add a twinkle to her eyes like my blue, blue eyes.  And by the way, when I think about Non-Mommy, I'm not thinking about anything but being straight and raising beautiful children with the blonde love of my life."

"I know!  I'll send her a birthday card.  I know it's months late, but I knew that this would be a hard time for her and nothing would perk her up like a personalized, autographed card from me.  Yep, I love my Non-Mommy."

-Anderson "I'm Not Officially Out of the Closet So a Girl Can Dream" Cooper

(A HUGE shout out to my favorite sister who arranged for me to get birthday cards from some of my favorite celebrities.  I'd also like to acknowledge my aunt who says that this might be why I am still single - I can't crush on gay men.  It does not compute.  I just can't resist those deep blue eyes and that cute smirk!)

Confessions from the Twin Cities

This non-mommy has been one busy lady.  Between school starting and a trip to sunny Minnesota, I haven't been able to blog in some time.  While in Minnesota, I figured out a few reasons why I am still single.

Reason number one, I don't speak with a cutie accent like this:



Reason number two, I am in the wrong part of the country!  I am living in a land full of beautifully pigmented people when I really look something like this:

Reason number three, I haven't convinced myself like Mary Tyler Moore that I was gonna make it after all!  Now that I saw the REAL Mary Tyler Moore statue and threw my hat in the air, I know that it's time to start living and that I need to turn the world on with my smile!



Reason number four, why did no one tell me about this?!

Reason number five, I haven't been shopping for men in the right place:

Thank you, Minnesota.  You have opened my eyes!

This is why I am still single

 Today a student asked me if I had ever been close to getting married, and if I wanted to be married.  I responded that I hadn't been close to being married, but that yes, I did want to be married someday.  I explained that I just hadn't met the right person yet.

The young lady told me that she never wanted to get married because her stepdad spent like 30 minutes in the bathroom and she just didn't want to deal with that!

Good reason, kid.  Good reason.

Single Sundays

I feel very fortunate to have been brought up in a Christian home, and have attended church my entire life (with a few peaks and valleys there, but consistently nonetheless).  I am very sure of my faith and am comfortable with the church community.

I must admit, however, that being single and attending church is really hard!  It's hard for me for a variety of reasons.

1.  I associate church as a family activity.  This means that I feel kind of lonely going to church alone, even if I am going to meet friends there!

2.  I feel like I have a giant "I am a single loser!" tattooed on my forehead.  I know that I don't, and I know that it shouldn't matter, but I feel like everyone is looking at me like "Aww, poor single gal!  Wonder what is wrong with her that she is still single?"  Come on, admit it, you've thought it about people!

3.  Given this irrational feeling, walking into church every Sunday feels like such a hard, difficult walk.  And I've been single a long time, so when am I going to get over this?!

4.  I sit in church and look around, watching couples all snuggly.  I watch all the families.  And then I get jealous.  I repeat, jealous.  In church, nonetheless!  It's a wonder I'm not struck with lightning on the spot.

5.  My attempts at finding other single Christians out there have been less than stellar.  I've gone to singles groups.  My findings are that they are filled with 19 year olds who are SO STOKED ABOUT LIFE!  AND COLLEGE!!  RAH RAH!  Or, 40 year old divorced people.  I don't have a problem with either group, but I have nothing in common with them!  I have to bite my tongue to not say something snarky to the college group, and not get all depressed listening to the divorced group talking about custody issues. when at this rate I'd just be happy to get a date! 

Or, there was the time I asked in a church about a singles group and they asked me if I'd like to start one.

Or, there was the time that I attempted to join a singles Life Group, only to be told that at the next semester, they would start coed groups, but for now, they are separating them by gender.  So, I joined an all female group.  Now, church is not a meat market, but you know, I work in a basically all female environment, so I wasn't super enthused about that.  I patiently waited for the next semester, put on a pretty outfit, and went to join a Life Group to discover that the groups were STILL gender separated!  Well, now what?!  I got up the nerve to ask about this, trying desperately to not sound, well...desperate.  They told me that they'd had so many problems with coed groups fighting, and also with perverts from the community showing up to the groups and targetting women, that they disbanded the whole coed concept.  The sad part is, this is not the only church I've heard having this problem.

So, my choices are to hope I meet some like minded person in a bar, when I am not a bar kind of person, or to hope that someone setting me up will work (when trust me, BEEN THERE, done that, not doing it again!), or hope that somehow single men my age will suddenly flood the educational world, or go to the divorced group and pretend I have a child that is conveniently never in my physical custody and complain about my imaginary ex (I wonder if I named him "George Glass" if anyone would get the Brady Bunch joke?).  Or, just pluck up the courage to take the "Walk of Death" from the parking lot into the church every Sunday and keep on keeping on.

Sometimes it's not easy being single!