I am a huge Olympics fan. I have always loved the opening ceremonies and had a party in college to celebrate them. It was a lame party because I lived in a very dumpy apartment and we had to watch it on a teeny screen. Sorry, college friends.
So this year I decided to go all out and have a big fun party to celebrate the London opening ceremony. After all, I am a huge anglophile. How could I not celebrate?! Over 20 people came and we were having a great time. Then, the ceremony started and we were baffled.
First, the whole thing was...just...MEH. Not that interesting. I mean, sure, the Queen skydiving was great (but man, did she ever look pissed off). And then, the whole NHS thing started. What the heck?! Why would they dance around the NHS logo? It didn't make any sense. Should we have this in our next Olympic games?
Then the whole glowing bed thing happened. Huh. Don't really get that so much, either.
But then the thing went from weird to SCARY! What the heck were they thinking? This was like a nightmare!
And then Voldemort appeared and they shot the Dark Mark above the amphitheater. And then the crowd went berserk and spells were flying around and...wait...wrong story.
And this, my friends, is what happens if the NHS nurses dance around you. You turn into a big, scary, dead baby with a bisected skull. The end of the joyful Olympics.
Thankfully, Mr. Bean saved the day with his funny sketch. I got really depressed when poor Muhammad Ali couldn't grab the flag and I ended the ceremony both baffled, frightened and disappointed.
They should have just had David Beckham run around naked and call it a day.
So in case you have missed it, Michael Jackson's mother is allegedly missing. Michael's children (Prince, Paris and Blanket) haven't seen their legal guardian in over a week and haven't been allowed to talk to her.
Katherine's children, who are pissed that she won't give them more money (in a nutshell) insist that she is just fine! She's resting and the doctors won't allow her to talk to the children. You know, the children she's been taking care of!!!
Is it just coincidence that her adult children are upset about money and then she vanishes? No! No coincidence at all!
Could she just make a quick phone call? Apparently not. Could she Skype? Nope. Could she send them an email? No. Something is very fishy and it begins to remind me of Norman Bates. What is going on? And more importantly, are you freaking kidding me? Could this family be more of a freak show?
But then, surprise! They release a picture of Katherine! She may not be able to communicate with the kids or anyone else, but she sure is able to play Uno! Of course!
Now, instead of reminding me of Norman Bates, I'm thinking more along the lines of Eva Peron's restless corpse. You know, the corpse that was well preserved and dragged all around the world, stuffed in attics, closets, and even in a dining room where her hair was brushed every day and a woman climbed into the coffin to absorb her magical powers.
I think they've had Katherine preserved! She's been hiding in Germaine's closet and he dragged her out and propped her up to the table to look like she's having a great time playing Uno.
I am really struggling with blogging since this shooting. I keep thinking of funny things to blog about, but it just seems wrong. I used to work in a theater when I was in high school, and I immediately thought about all the poor teenagers that were undoubtedly working that night.
I keep thinking about those poor people trapped in the dark unable to escape.
I keep thinking about the poor survivors and the long road ahead.
I keep thinking about the poor grieving families. Losing my dad was so hard, but we didn't lose him to the hands of another. How would you deal with that?
I keep thinking about the poor emergency personnel who had to go into a terrifying unknown. The men and women that bravely try to detonate this sick man's apartment.
In a few days, I will be able to blog about Katherine Jackson's apparent kidnap. But for now, I think about those affected and I think of this song by Steven Curtis Chapman after his daughter was killed.
We hope.
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
Sadly, divorce is a big part of my life. Not personally, no, but working with families means that I regularly deal with families that are breaking up or have permanently broken up. It's never easy for anyone - adults or children. I've been witness to some pretty horrific fights between divorcing adults. In my teaching career, I have worked with maybe three families that actually still manage to stick together and be civil even when divorce has happened. The rest, for the most part, get UGLY. Some of them are slightly ugly and some are psychotically ugly.
So, when I read about celebrity divorces and hear their statements, they make me laugh. LAUGH!
This is a look that says "BFF."
"Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends." - Russell Brand Katy Perry
OK, let's define what a friend is. In my mind, a friend is someone that you want to hang out with. A friend is the person who you go out to dinner with and invite over to your kid's birthday party. A friend might give you a birthday gift and call you on the phone just to chat. So, Russell and Katy, are you doing these things? I highly doubt it! I don't buy for a second that you're still friends!
"And I....will always love youuuuuuuuu!"
Zac Efron said that he and Vanessa Hudgens were "100% staying friends."
Really? Do you think Vanessa invites him over to watch "The Bachelor" on TV? Does she call Zac when she needs to find a dress for a wedding? Color me skeptical!
We've always done things in our marriage that command respect!
“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children’s sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy.” Seal and Heidi Klum
So when they are fighting and throwing things at one another, do you suppose they have the deepest respect for one another? While this is a well-written statement, I'm still a little doubtful about the rosy situation in the Seal/Heidi home!
We will always go on picnics, no matter what!
“Recently, after much thought and discussion, Ellen and I have decided to end our relationship. It was a mutual decision and we are both happy and remain best friends. We both plan to move forward and focus on our separate lives. We ask that you please respect our privacy during this time.” Jon Gosselin
So, Jon Gosselin, will you still be calling your BFF Ellen when your dog dies? Will you ask her to babysit your eight kids while you have a doctor's appointment? Will Jon Gosselin be the first person to come visit Ellen when she has a baby with her next boyfriend/husband? I don't think so! Lies, again!
But then, finally, we get some truth from Ashton Hairy Kutcher, of all people! Look what he has to say about the demise of Demi Moore:
Ooh, do you think they made this cake with aerosol whipped cream? Wonder where the cans are?
"Ashton is deeply concerned for Demi. He still cares about her and wants the best for her. But their marriage is ending and they are both moving on with their lives."
That's right. Ashton just publicly said that he, basically, cares but doesn't because their marriage is over and he's moving on. Send him a Christmas card, ok Demi?
I am sooo happy. Soooooo happy. Not faking it at all.
Why do celebrities pretend that they are all comfy cozy when they split? Someday, we'll see a statement from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. And hopefully it goes something like this:
"After a horribly abusive relationship in which I was henpecked and controlled by a remote control, I have decided to leave Tom. I was tired of his scientology vitamins and how he made me go everywhere with him, even when he had to pee. We had a horrible fight and I called my lawyer. Unfortunately, Tom has some maniac control over me and my children and he will keep Suri while I move to the midwest and start a family with another man, pretending like I never had any kids prior to them."
I'm easily confused. I mean, hello, I am a natural blonde. But there are a few things that I don't understand, and I'm hoping you'll explain the rationale to me.
People leaving their dogs in cars.
I've been noticing that there is an old woman that leaves her dog in her car during church. The other day, I noticed that there were dogs in a car at the gym, too. Can people really not leave their dogs for like an hour to go to church or the gym? What do they do when it's too warm to leave them in the car? And I doubt they are guard dogs, because these are fluffy little dogs. What's the deal?
The LOST Liars
I was a huge, huge LOST fan. The producers promised us that at the end of the show, they wouldn't all be dead. This led me to religiously watch and analyze each and every episode trying to figure it all out. Well, and let's be honest. This guy might have been an incentive to watch, too.
So then we go through six years of the show, and SURPRISE, they're all dead. What the heck? Why lie about it? And then say "Oh, yeah and as soon as the show is over, we won't give interviews either" because you know that everyone will be pissed at you. Not cool, J.J. Adams and Damon Lindeloff. Not cool. And I'm still bitter.
People That Don't Use Their Garage for the Intended Purpose
Now, this issue really doesn't apply to people that live in warm climates. But I never understand why people fill their garage with crap and then park their cars outside. Do they like having to get up early and warm up the car? Do they enjoy having to scrape the windshield every day, or brush off snow? Why would you opt to do that when you could park your car in a warm, dry room that allows you to not step outside in winter's fury? Really, if your garage is full of crap, are you using it anyway? Shouldn't you just toss it and put your cars in the garage instead?
Sucky, Sucky Grief
It's coming up on two years since my dad passed away and I'm suddenly all emotional for no reason! It's so weird! You'll be going along mostly fine, pretty much accepting that he's gone forever and then all the sudden you're a soppy mess. What's the deal?! How long will this go on?
And finally, NETFLIX.
Netflix, how I loved thee. For years I've been a member of yours and loved it. It was affordable, I could get pretty much any movie I wanted, and life was good. But then, you had to go and screw it all up with your price change, company name change, company name change redaction, and getting all those movie companies to yank their movies from you. Now, the streaming movies suck and you keep not adding new content. I'm just waiting and waiting for someone else, like iTunes, to come up with a similar service and then I'm switching for good. I just don't understand what happened. You had a total monopoly! Did you get greedy? Was it mismanagement? Whatever it was, I have fond memories but I'm ready to move on from you. I hope your predecessor will work with my Apple TV.
I generally try to stay out of politics. The less I know the better. I know, I know. Not patriotic of me. But it keeps my blood pressure low and also keeps me from ranting about the fact that, apparently, no one reads the freaking constitution!!!
Anyway, there is one thing that I am willing to discuss in relation to politics. And that, my friends, is the beast that we call Hillary Clinton's hair. Seriously. You know, you can say and do all that you want in the public eye, but image talks. And Hillary's hair has PUH-LENTY to say. Let's lean in and listen to its messages...
The above look says: "I am president of the Future Homemakers of America! Would you like a biscuit?"
The above look says: "My armpit hair is just as long. And, hey, birds of a feather flock together!"
The above look says: "Would you like my recipe for making scrambled eggs in the microwave? And by the way, these pants are HAWT."
The above look says: "Kids, we're gonna have to eat this cake by ourselves. Uncle Joey didn't make parole again." Name that movie.
The above look says: "My pants go up to my boobs!"
The left look says: "I will cut you." The right look says: "I'm trying to channel my inner Martha Stewart."
The above look says "Power. Femininity. Patriotism. I finally got someone to decently do my hair."
The above look says "I like to spend 18 hours a day writing curriculum for teachers that no one will use, but oh well!"
The above look says: "It's time to wash my face, put on my most comfy pajamas and curl up on the couch with a glass of wine."
The above look says "Hoke? Where are my papers? My papers. I had them all corrected last night and I put them in the front so I wouldn’t forget them on my way to school. What did you do with them? The children will be so disappointed if I don’t give them their homework back." Name that movie.
This look says: "Did you remember to put more wiper fluid out at pump ten? Did you restock the coolers with Red Bull?"
Yes, Hill, your hair is talking. Is this really what you are trying to say?
I have two friends that force me to go to movies against my will. Both of these girls are tremendous friends to me. Between the three of us, we've been through broken bones, broken engagements, weddings, sick family members, births, job changes, and deaths in the family. So because I love them, I go. It's a tradition. But since they make me go to movies about vampires and werewolves, I don't go without a fight!
I read the books and I HATED THEM. This is not a popular opinion, I know, but I thought the Twilight series was extremely poorly written. In both the books and the movies, I have a few fundamental problems with some major story elements. Let's dissect the problems, shall we?
Let's start with Bella, the most obnoxious character ever.
Bella, Bella, Bella. She's so whiney! I mean really, Edward, that is who you've been waiting for all eternity for? Come on! There are much more pleasant girls out there for you to pick. Also, Edward, perhaps you can't hear her thoughts because there are none there. I'm just saying.
And then, to add fuel to the fire, they pick Kristen Stewart to be Bella in the movies! Seriously? Is this actress a) capable of ever closing her mouth b) do anything besides breathe heavily and twitch like a nervy Chihuahua and c) able to act?
Next, we have the problem of Edward Cullen, vampire hottie. Or coldie. Apparently, his body is like a marble statue and is cold to the touch. I'm sorry, but snuggling with a cold statue is not my idea of fun. And you know, making love to a cold statue does not sound pleasant. I was very pleased to see, however, that they did not skimp on the lipstick budget for Edward in this last movie. Heavens above, he must have enough lipstick!
For those that don't know, the family doctor, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, is a vampire, too. He realized the error of his ways and dedicated his life to not sucking blood from humans. He instead chooses to ignore the blood he deals with day in and day out and change his life by helping others in the medical field. COME ON. Seriously? A vampire doing surgery? You know, if you had a prescription drug addict and they took a job in a pharmaceutical factory to "help people" you know we'd all be like "SURE."
All these reformed vampires choose to stay in high school forever so that people don't see that they age. I don't really understand that choice. High school? Not my favorite time of life. There are such greater time periods! I would not want to go to high school forever. Life beyond high school is so much better.
And finally, spoiler alert! After Edward and Bella get married, they go on a honeymoon and manage to get knocked up immediately. I'm guessing that Bella didn't think to go to Planned Vampirehood before the honeymoon. The baby turns out to be some mutant, and the book gets very, very bloody. Yuck. I read this book while I had a student teacher, and she interrupted her lesson to ask me why I was grimacing (PS, she sucked as a student teacher).
OK, let's just make this very clear. You can't have a vampire/human pregnancy. Seriously. Let's go back to Edward and his lovely freezing cold body temperature. Everyone knows that sperm have to be at just the right temperature to survive! Too close? The sperm fry up. Too far? The sperm freeze up. There is no way that a vampire could have sperm if he's freezing cold! Perhaps Stephenie Meyer should go to high school forever, like the Cullens, and maybe after a few hundred years a biology teacher will get through to her.
Then, this crazy baby thing inside of Bella needs to be fed. It needs blood! So Bella drinks blood to feed the mutant, and of course, it survives and thrives. Seriously? Stephenie? Do you know anything?!? She couldn't just drink blood and feed the baby! It doesn't work like that. You can't say "Gee, the baby needs a cheeseburger." If you eat a cheeseburger, the baby doesn't get the cheeseburger.
Go back to high school, Stephenie!
I could really go on, but I better stop myself while I am ahead. Overall, I don't get the big deal. My mother tells me that it's romantic, and that's the appeal. But I just can't get there in my mind. My very patient friends put up with me griping all through the movies, and last night was no exception. Kristen Stewart was at her breathiest/twitchiest. The over-acting was killing me, and the music was like a horrible soap opera.
The search for a man continues. And thanks to this dumb series, I now know that I do not want to be with a vampire.
Lately, I've seen a lot of television about psychics and messages from the dead. Personally, it is not something I agree with and would not participate in it. But that hasn't stopped me from noticing a pattern, even on the commercials endorsing a show. The skeptic inside of me reacts, big time.
The psychic will say something like "I'm getting an image of a coat." And then the vulnerable person, almost ALWAYS a woman, says "Yes! My father had a coat!" And this is supposed to prove something?! Wow, a coat is VERY distinguishable.
I also like it when the psychic says something like "I'm sensing that you have had someone in your family that was sick. Was there anyone in your family that was sick?" No s!@#, Sherlock! There's always someone sick in a family.
But what really, really gets to me is the messages that people who have departed choose to share. I love it when the psychic says that she's getting a message about buttons. Or red flowers. Or something. And then the vulnerable woman bursts into tears and says "My mother had a button collection/a rose garden/etc." And then the dead person segues into a message that is something along the lines of "You should keep my button collection shiny."
Now, I miss my dad in a very raw, emotional way. I know that I won't see him or hear from him again on this earth, and that sometimes makes me really sad. But if I got contacted by him from beyond the grave and his message was
"Non-Mommy, my coin collection. Keep my coin collection!"
I would be pissed! Shouldn't these messages be significant? Shouldn't they say something like "I left the directions for the universal remote in the third box from the left in the attic?" or "I buried a chest of gold in the backyard by the rose bush?" I'd even settle for something sentimental.
I'm secretly a quasi-granola cruncher. I'm very, very paranoid about my food sources and their environmental impact, I recycle as much as I can, and I even use Lunchskins in place of plastic baggies (I don't know why they have cuter designs at Abe's Market than they do at their official site, but they're worth the money. I love them!). So I am usually on board with environmental issues.
BUT.
I am so not in favor of the lightbulb replacement initiative that is looming over us. I do not want to use the stupid compact fluorescent light bulbs. The bulbs are physically ugly, but that isn't what really bothers me. The light that comes from these bulbs is awful. Awful! I feel like I'm in a clinical lab. Or that I'm cast with a greenish ghoulish tint. It is very cold and uninviting. Lighting is very important to me. I want lighting that is warm and soft. I don't want to feel like I'm living in a Wal-Mart Super Center all the time. I also really dislike how they can take time to warm up.
Also, how much money do you want to bet that years down the road, the government will say "Oops, heh heh, so the lightbulb thing was a bad idea because of pollution. We're going to go back to a more simple time and use the light bulbs that God intended us to use!" What are we going to use for small lamps, night lights, and other odd light sources?
I've already been very bothered by the Christmas light evolution. The LED lights are so cold, and I see a miniscule flicker in them. Putting up those lights is just wrong, I tell you. Wrong!
Since this is being forced upon me, I guess I will have to become a light bulb and Christmas light hoarder. I don't plan to sell them. I plan to be like in the book The City of Ember, sitting in my basement enjoying the last few precious light bulbs left on the planet. In reality, it's more likely that they will find me, buried up to my ears in light bulbs in my shed. And when they tell me "Non-Mommy, you have a hoarding problem and need help" I will cry "But the light! The light out there is so cold! Let me have my precious light bulbs!"
I admit it. I used to love the show "Jon and Kate Plus 8." I couldn't stand HER, but I loved the kids. When I was working on my master's degree, and was all stressed out, those cute kids really were a pleasant break from the never ending homework.
But then it all went haywire, and I grew to despise Kate Gosselin. I mean, really, there aren't too many people like her. Willing to sell out her children. Horrible to her husband. Greedy. Jon? Well, he's got issues too, but is infinitely more likable than Kate.
So imagine how thrilled I was when I discovered these fine videos. Dr. Cool Sex has a great playlist on YouTube making fun of Kate, and they have totally nailed it!!! I won't post them all here, but I'll post some of my favorites. Enjoy!
A venomous snake crawls out of the hood of your car while you are driving 65 MPH. Do you turn on the windshield wiper and fling it off? Pull over and pull it off? Or keep driving?
Today, I returned to the town that I have lived in for the past 13 years (give or take) to visit THE lady doctor. You know. Yuck.
While in this town, I needed to pay a friend of mine that is currently building me bookcases for my classroom (as a side note, do you have any idea how difficult it is to find bookcases for a classroom that are not as tall as the Eiffel Tower or hideously expensive, and will stand up to the crazy antics of monkey children?). My friend mentioned that he would be painting a room at a home in a neighborhood that I was familiar with. Knowing his general location, and car, I decided to just run to that house and give him the money quickly.
Awkwardly, I walk to the door of the home of someone I don't really know and, with a fat wad of cash in my hand, I asked if Joe Blow was there because I needed to give him money. The woman that opened the door looked at me oddly. I mean, she probably thought that I was a stranger coordinating a drug deal in her living room. As it turns out, I had had this woman as a professor in college.
After dropping off the cash and putting the weed in my bra I thanked the kind woman for allowing me to invade her home. She interrupted me and asked me if we knew one another. I told her my name, and that I had taken an economics class with her many, many years ago. I never expected her to remember me.
She smiled and said "Of course, I remember you in my class! And you were in my class on 9/11, I remember it well!"
This is mind boggling to me. I took one class with this woman, and what I remember about the class is that a) it was very early in the morning and I was very sleepy b) I used to pass a lot of notes in this class, to stay awake c) I should never purchase a brand new car, because it is an economically poor decision and d) I was in her class on 9/11, and remember her telling us what had happened.
Anyway, this was probably boring to you, but I found it so interesting that she would remember me, and that just as she will always be cemented in my memory for that tragic day, I have apparently been cemented in hers.
I shudder to think what any other professors remember about me. Really. I would hazard a guess that they would remember sleep, doodling, passing notes to Sarah, Amanda and Erin and, in a few cases, a very pale blonde that was sick with worry because she had a test and had not studied.
I'll admit it. I'm one of the people the media continue to rail on about. I have been obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial. I was gone for most of the actual trial, so I soon as I returned to the country I began watching and reading about it to get caught up. Like millions of others, I am very upset about the verdict. I understand, because I have been on a jury, that they may not have been able to convict her based on wording technicalities. But it is crazy to think that a woman who so clearly murdered her child, and then so flagrantly enjoyed her newfound freedom, is going to get off so easily. What I really can't wait to hear is how her integration back into the real world goes. I also believe with all of my heart that her mother will welcome her home with open arms and continue to give her funds and a basic free pass to partydom. Mind boggling.
All of this drama has gotten me thinking about my own experiences with geriatric duty...I mean jury duty. Ah, jury duty. The fate of millions of poor suckers. It is actually a very interesting process, but it's not so convenient. It also appears to be heavily rigged, but that's for another time. And if you don't believe me, well, then you've never been on a jury haha.
Below find part one of the jury selecting process, taken from my personal journal:
Hello, Non-Mommy?
This is Justin Timberlake. I have a message for you. Cry me a river.
Well, I can't say I'm here to bear great news. I guess it could be worse. I was selected for jury duty. I am in a trial all week. But hey, the other girl on the jury who just COULDN'T have it this week has plane tickets she already purchased. So I guess I can't complain too much. It isn't fair, it isn't logical, but it is what it is. I haven't even had the heart to call my boss yet. She'll be upset.
I'll give you a quick rundown of the day-
8:00-9:30 - sit in a jury room with a bunch of really gripey old people. Seems our panel group wasn't large enough, so they brought in extra people. We were now 50 people. Suddenly, my chances diminish! By the way, as happened last time, not one court official ever came in until 9:30.
9:30 - we are all ushered into a gigantic court room. Much bigger than last time. With PLENTY of seating for us all. They put you into a weird order that isn't alphabetical and doesn't make sense.
9:31 - I am ushered into...the jury box?!?!? This is where I start to have a panic attack. Why are 12 of us sitting here, and the other 38 getting to sit on the benches?? Turns out, I think we were pre-selected, then weeded out as needed. I was extremely nervous and my hands shook.
9:35-12:30 - we are asked a billion questions. Individually, and as a group. I give my Oscar Losing Award speech about why I can't come. I also have to give testimony about when I was the victim of forgery. We are all getting extremely tired and cranky. Not stopping for lunch?
12:30-1:20 - we all nervously wait, tell the same stories over and over, and decide who "has it" and who doesn't.
1:20- go back in and they announce the winners. Lucky me. I said a bad word.
So after that, the rest were dismissed, and we went to lunch. The trial began today and will last all week.
We interrupt this blog break (my drunk grandmother is here and keeps me from blogging) to present an important letter to the important people in our country.
Dear President Obama, CNN, and all the other fine folks with important news last night,
Wow. What a night last night! You really caught us off guard. While I hate to celebrate the death of any human, it is a relief to know that this evil man can no longer hurt anyone else. I appreciate that you kept your word about finding him, and that you also managed to keep such a huge secret.
May I politely make a small point? When you suddenly announce that you are going to be making a speech at 10:30 at night and give absolutely no indication as to why you plan to address the nation, people will naturally wonder what is going on. It is rather odd that you would address us unexpectedly, at such a late hour. Then, when you (AND YOU, CNN!) announce that it relates to a security issue, people naturally begin to think of the reasons you could be addressing us late on a Sunday night.
CNN and all of your minions, when you report that they continue to delay the speech, it makes people think that the president is receiving more and more information, people begin to worry. It begins to sound more and more serious. Then, when you say that the president is busy calling all the people involved, people worry even more. What does this mean? Is the president calling Congress into emergency session? Is he calling brilliant scientists? Is he calling the local duct tape factory?
Before we knew what was happening, I admit that I got scared. I began to think of all the scenarios that could be happening.
It could be war, but that was knocked out of the running by the security issue.
It could be a terrorist attack.
It could be that the scientists were wrong, and radiation has arrived here and is killing us all and we are to duct tape ourselves in our homes. (But I'm out of duct tape!)
It could be that an asteroid is about to hit.
It could be that aliens are coming for us at this very moment.
It could be that you, Mr. President, are announcing your sudden resignation, a la President Nixon.
It could be that you are alarmed at the rate in which people sneak food into movie theaters, and you felt it important enough to address us late at night.
So you see, Mr. President and news stations everywhere, those few moments induced quite a bit of panic. Next time do you think you could personally call me first and let me know what is up? I promise to keep it quiet. It's just good for my state of mind.
Despite this little snafu, I do want to commend you on a job extremely well done, and also tell Donald Trump to shove it. You really did have more important things to do than provide him with your birth certificate. And also, you have nicer hair.
