When pigs...jump over shamrocks

You know, sometimes I long for the simple good old days. Days when life moved more slowly and the little things in life were more appreciated.

And then, I see things like this:

I realize then that I was not meant for the good old days. I mean, I don't get this at all. What does this even mean? And why is that shamrock so huge? Or that pig and girl so small?

Anyway, Happy St. Patty's Day from Non-McMommy! Or, O'Nonmommy. Whatever you prefer.

I feel better about being single now

If you don't know about Awkward Family Photos, you are really, really missing out.

From Non-Mommy

My New Year's Resolutions

It's the end of the year and most people make resolutions for the new year to come. Do they stick with them? Not typically. I've considered changes I could make to a new year, but it's always so boring. It's always the same thing. It's always something unattainable. So today, I, Non-Mommy, resolve to accomplish the following tasks in the year 2012:

I resolve to wash my car more than twice a year. So what if it's a waste of money, water, and the car will only stay clean for a few moments? Take pride in your ride, Non-Mommy!

I resolve to consider online dating. Consider. And people (MOM! SISTER!) that nag me about it will only firm my resolution to consider it, and not do it!

I resolve to get my nephew to really and truly try a piece of meat. This is going to be difficult. He's a tough nut to crack.

I resolve to try and slip "That's what she said" into at least one conversation a day.

And finally, I resolve to not give up on the dream of getting together with Anderson Cooper. He's sweet, he's funny, he's intelligent, and he's...oh...where's a good synonym for "happy" when you need one?

Hey. There is always hope.

Sugar Daddy Needed

I really, really don't want to work.  I'm enjoying not working.  Where's the rich guy who is going to provide enough for me to be able to live on a desert island (sunburn free, of course!), adopt children from all over the planet, take us on fabulous trips regularly, and provide for all my needs?

I don't think I'm asking too much!

Death by Ladle

This school year has been quite a challenge for me. I've moved schools and grade levels. I'm teaching a much younger age group than I am accustomed to, and that has come with its pros and cons.

Pros include very affectionate children that are extremely enthusiastic and appreciate the tiniest things.

Cons include tattling, tattling, lack of independence, and tattling.

Being in a building with teeny, tiny children has been a lot of fun.  Every morning I stand in the hallway and watch the teeny little children in their puffy coats, hat and mittens.  They don't even know me, but that doesn't stop them from telling me all kinds of details.  I feel like a goddess when I walk down the hallway.  Little adorable children come up and fling their arms around me saying random things like "I love you!"  "You're my brother's after school bus holding area!"  "Today is my teacher's birthday!"  "I ate cereal for breakfast!"  It doesn't matter if they don't know me, or I don't know them.

Back in my classroom, my students are taller than these kids, but their enthusiasm is equally high.  The week before winter break means that my students are at MAXIMUM ENTHUSIASM!!!!!!!!  They speak a mile a minute, they fight, and they come in on a sugar high before school even begins.  And let's be honest.  I'm tired and less than patient.  Not a good combo.

On the last day of school, we were going to do hot chocolate in our classroom.  I'm ten miles from the nearest water source, and have two outlets in my classroom, so planning was of the essence.  I filled a Crock Pot with water, carried it the ten miles back to my room, and plugged it in to make sure it was warm on time.  Our grade level was showing "The Polar Express" and was going to have hot chocolate
after the movie.  As it turns out, very few of the teachers got the supplies they needed, or the movie, so I ended up with several classes in my classroom.  It was packed, and my room smelled like stinky feet.  A little trouble maker from another class was seated near my Crock Pot and I basically told him with my eyes that anything that would happen to the Crock Pot would mean eternal torture.

The movie ended, everyone left the room, and I went to prepare the hot chocolate only to find...

HE HAD TURNED THE CROCK POT OFF.

I had cold water.  Miles from a water source, no way to heat up water.

I seriously thought I was going to beat the kid with my ladle.

All day long, the kids were wild.  This was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Ms. Non-Mommy was NO LONGER HAVING FUN.

So what that the kids were excited about hot chocolate?

So what that they didn't know that I was planning to load the cups with huge globs of whipped cream?

So what that they didn't know that I was going to put sprinkles and a candy cane in the hot chocolate?

All the fun was sucked out.  All I wanted to do was go home and rock in the corner, sucking my thumb.

I felt like Kate Gosselin.  You know what I mean.  Kate "We're going to have fun and make memories, damn it!!!!!!!" Gosselin.  Kate "I make everyone miserable" Gosselin.

I mechanically made the kids large, sweet hot chocolates.  I was grumbling in my head.  I just wanted the day to be over.  Why do I bother trying to make my classroom homey?  Why do I bother to do fun things that the other teachers don't even do?  Why do I put myself through the trouble?  No one even appreciates it.

And then, a sweet, sweet child said something that jerked me right out of my pity party.  This child is a very angry child due to sad life circumstances.  Everything in his life has changed in the last 6 months, and he's been fighting it every step.  He's always so unhappy.

I gave him his hot chocolate.  He smiled and said

"This is the best day ever.  I feel so cozy and special."

Cozy and special.

In two words, that child summarized the reason I go to school every day.  It isn't unnoticed.  And from that child, it's high praise indeed.  Of all the children in the world, this child needs to feel cozy and special.

With a little pep in my step, and a second wind, I went around and squirted a blob of whipped cream in each child's mouth.  And they loved it.

Repost: Christmas Rules According to Non-Mommy

The Christmas season is approaching and I already see people preparing for the holidays.  As you consider what you listen to, what you eat, and how you decorate for Christmas, I hope you will keep in mind the following rules in regards to Christmas: 

1.  Harry Potter is not a Christmas movie.  Containing a Christmas scene does not a Christmas movie make.

2.  LED lights are of the devil.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, one bulb going out doesn't knock out the whole strand, and you can plug in 43 strands at once, and they are way more energy efficient, blah, blah, blah.  They just are so...cold.  Flouresent.  Unappealing.  I can't handle the light!  It's so uncozy.  Some day when I die, they are going to make an episode of "Hoarders" (sickly fascinating show, by the way) about me.  Instead of finding me taped to my bedside toilet so I don't fall into the garbage and dead cats around me, they are going to find my home packed to the ceiling with boxes of REAL Christmas lights and REAL lightbulbs.

3.  Never, ever, ever, EVER mix regular lights with LED lights.  LED lights are bad enough, but the two lights should NOT be mixed!

4.  Inflatables.  They are not my favorite, but you should never do a yard full.  And don't even GET me started on how it looks during the day with them deflated all over the yard.  I have to stifle the urge to yell "The carnage!  THE CHRISTMAS CARNAGE!"

5.  The following song should never be played at Christmas time (or ever, although this video is so ridiculous it's almost funny):




6.  Don't put red or green bulbs in your outdoor light fixtures.  The first thing I think is "drug deal."

7.  Don't ever, ever make a dessert that LOOKS like those Oreo balls (hehe) but really make stupid CREAM PUFFS.  I hate cream, and that was a most unpleasant, gagging surprise.  And yes, the sexual overtones in this rule are not lost on me.  I wasn't intending that, truly.

8.  This song should be put to rest permanently as well:




I realize it makes a lot of people cry, and feel very sentimental, but...call me Scrooge if you must.  I want to blow my brains out when I hear this song.

9.  Instead of watching music videos that make you want to hurl, you should instead watch CLASSICS like this one!





10.  Send Christmas cards.  Don't resist.  Getting real mail is such a rare treat these days.  It's totally worth the cost.

I have other nuggets of wisdom, but I'll leave you with 10!  I know that some of you will consider this a little premature, but you can't plan ahead enough when considering these important Christmas rules!

I Love Fall

I love cooler weather.

I love the vivid colors of the fall.

I love frosty mornings with air that feels crisp.

I love needing to wear layers, and needing a blanket to watch TV.

I love hearing the wind outside, knowing it's cold, and yet feeling cozy and warm indoors.

I love that now that I am working with younger children, making scarecrows, turkeys, and other fall icons is a regular part of my job.

I love that a good hot bath or a warm cup of tea warms you right up.

I love that my favorite colors of red, orange and yellow are everywhere.

Autumn is amazing.

(Don't tell my mother, I used to make fun of her all the time for loving trees and fall. Shh.)

I Love the 4th of July!

Independence Day is here, and I am so excited! I have always loved the Fourth of July. It's a holiday in the middle of a rather boring stretch of months (holiday speaking, I mean) that brings no expectations. You don't have to do gifts. You don't have to worry about spending time with each side of the family. You get to blow things up. AND, I love feeling all proud and patriotic.

I have to admit a secret. I tear up every single time I sing the National Anthem. I'm a dork. Please note that I have been a history teacher.

Anyway, I have been very fortunate to spend time outside of our country, in both Central America and Europe. I have seen many things. And while I love traveling, and I love being in foreign countries, it makes me appreciate my own country that much more. Despite the negativity we hear in the media, our country has a lot of great things going for it. With that, I give you my list of the top reasons I love being an American.

Separation of Church and State. I was in some public schools in England last month, and couldn't believe that their public schools can also be religious schools. I think that just opens up too many cans of worms, so I'm glad we don't have to deal with it!

You don't have to pay to use public toilets and can flush toilet paper. If you have ever been to a foreign country that charges to use a public toilet, you know that the free toilets are not the ones you usually want to use. However, it's so annoying to have to have change just so you can pee! Come on, this is practically a cashless society. I don't keep coins around! And also, ew. Not being able to flush toilet paper. Enough said.

Our landscape and geography have so much to offer.  You want desert?  Got it.  Mountains?  Check!  Beaches?  You bet!  You can do anything you want to, without having to leave the country.  It's very cool!

The variety of accents in one country.  In a matter of several hours, you can be greeted with "Y'all" in the breakfast meats section at a grocery store in Texas, and then be at a grocery store in Minnesota where they'll offer you a "baeg" instead of a bag.  Brilliant!  How many other countries can pronounce the word "grandmother" as "gramma" or "gram-aw?"

Our Constitution.  Hi.  History geek here.  But our constitution was extremely well planned and written.  It's one of the only constitutions in the world that hasn't been completely abolished because it was written to be a living document.  It covers all the important bases.  It's pretty awesome!

We are generous.  If there is someone or something (such as a cause) in need, we dig right in and help out others!  Sure, there are always exceptions, but for the most part, we are a very giving group of people.

Sonic.  No place hops like Sonic!  You don't find drive in restaurants in which you can have hundreds of flavored soda options in other countries!  And Sonic is great, they offer weird foods for limited times.  Want some fried Mac and Cheese?  Jalapeno poppers?  Mini banana splits?  They keep their customers on their toes while still offering old faithfuls like cherry limeaids.  And we love them for it!

We are friendly and helpful.  We love to help others in need, and we're generally very outgoing and kind.  People make conversation with others in stores.  They wave at one another.  Neighbors bring one another gifts at holidays.  We can be very friendly!  Sometimes this has been a little embarrassing while I've been in another country, but that's another post.

The Bill of Rights.  Unlimited power for people and states, basic human rights, no cruel punishment, right to a jury, jury in a civil court, right to due process, no search and seizure, no quartered soldiers, militia and arms and freedom of religion and speech...what more do you need??

California.  I love this state, and clearly I'm not alone.  It's also very unique and belongs to us!  In one state you can go skiing, see forests, deserts, and beaches.  It's urban and rural.  It has fantastic weather.  Lots of celebrities.  It's awesome!

Wide parking spaces and an organized driving system.  Parking in foreign countries makes me break out in a cold sweat.  They squeeze into tiny areas that I am not good at.  Also, some places seem to think that rules for the road are more like suggestions.  Lanes?  Who needs 'em?  Brakes?  That's what horns are for, stupid!  While in Central America I saw people actually hit by cars.  God bless you, organized road systems in America.

Showering regularly.  I don't care how neurotic I sound, or how blatantly American I am in this regard.  I believe in cleaning your body every day.  I don't know how they can go around wallowing in their own filth.  And deodorant is an American trend I wish would catch on more.

Bravo TV.  It's trashy.  It's gossipy.  But I love me some good old fashioned Real Housewives or Flipping Out.

Our sense of patriotism.  We are proud of our country and aren't afraid to show it.  And that, my friends, is very cool.