The Girl Curse

I am someone that gets along easily with others.  I think that I don't have a lot of conflict with others, and I work really hard (almost unhealthily, I suppose!) to keep everyone else happy.  So when something goes wrong, I don't take it well.  I'm good at what I do, I follow the rules, and try to be flexible.

Today a teacher that I thought I got along well with was ugly toward me.  I truly don't think I had done anything wrong, I think I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and was the unfortunate victim of a "Drive-by Crabbing."  Anyway, some unsavory conversation took place in front of all of my coworkers.  I was shocked, confused, and embarrassed.  The moment the Snarky One left, all of my coworkers were like "What?!  What is she even talking about?  Don't worry, Non-Mommy, you're always in control of your class.  She was just in a bad mood."

Then...the Girl Curse began. The meeting we were waiting on was beginning.  I could feel a lump in my throat. "NON-MOMMY, NO" I told myself. Then I could feel that tightness around your eyes and in your throat that mean tears are imminent. "You cannot let anyone see you cry!!!!"

I hopped up and raced to the restroom, hoping no one would see.  Didn't matter.  It came out.  I hate being a girl sometimes. I truly envy you people that don't cry, because it's the last thing I want to happen in situations like this.  I wasn't crying out of guilt. I was crying because I was so frustrated that I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't say to her that I didn't do anything. I was stuck.

Did you know that when you are super blonde, people can see on your face, all day long, that you've been crying? I just LOVE the Girl Curse.

I hate crying.  It happens when I'm mad.  It happens when I'm frustrated.  It happens when I watch anything sappy.  When I feel the Girl Curse coming on, I need to think about these things to get my mind back out of the dumps.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
   and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
   my salvation

^{Psalm 42:5}

Huked on Fonix Wurkz Fur Me!

I commute to work every day with an absolutely hilarious friend. When you spend a great deal of time in the car with someone, you get to know them fairly well and also have some interesting conversations. Today, this song came on the radio:



I began making the bull whip sound earnestly, as it is my favorite part of the song. Somehow or another, my friend and I got into a deep conversation about how you would describe this whip sound. Specifically, how would you spell it?

Before you know it, my friend and I are making the whip sound over, and over, and over. We are really analyzing the sound and trying to put letters to go with it. Of course, every time we make the sound, we have to make the whipping motion with our hands! I'm sure we looked VERY odd, sitting in traffic, whipping the air repeatedly in the car.  We were also dying of laughter.

To better clarify the sound, I turned the volume WAY up so we could study the sound in detail. Here we are, sitting in my old lady car, music BLASTING, whipping the air with a frenzy.

My friend suggested that you spell the whipping sound like this:

Witchchchch-chhch

My argument was that sounded like a whip that had a stutter, or a whip that is cold. Besides, you'd need the hyphen earlier in the word! But hey, try spelling her suggestion outloud to yourself and listen to how silly it sounds!

I don't know if it's

whi-tch
whtch
witch

Or, as Chandler Bing says it...



Don't you wish you carpooled with us to hear our stimulating conversations?!

Why I Should Move to Minnesota

For the Thanksgiving holidays, I was invited by some very kind people to their home.  Their home happens to be in another state that I'm not very fond of, but I went anyway.  The last time I went to this state, it was hotter than the surface of the sun.

Just so you know, there are three things critically important that you need to know about me:

1)  I am a weenie.  A big, big weenie.  I don't like to sweat. 

2)  I am white.  Really, really, really white.  I sunburn just thinking about the "s" word.  The rumor seriously went around that I was half-albino when I was in college.  HALF-ALBINO?! 

3)  I am not an outdoorsy girl.  I'm just not.   I don't like getting hot, I sunburn like bacon in a frying pan, I am an insect magnet, and I am petrified of ticks.

For these reasons, I love snow.  Love, love, love it.  It's beautiful!  It's refreshing!  It requires me to be bundled up!  It is virtually impossible to get sunburned when you're wearing a hat, scarf, coat, gloves, and pants.  I like feeling cozy and warm in the house when it's cold outside.  Heck, I don't even like being outside, so winter is perfect!

So imagine the sadness in my heart when I left my state for Thanksgiving and, in my absence, it snowed.  There is still snow on my roof.  I missed it all.  I am the snow repellent!  I always want snow.  Wherever I go, the snow goes the other way.  I'm so sad.  I wish I could have sung "I'm dreaming of a white Thanksgiving..."

Maybe next year.

In the meantime, I'm ready to move to Minnesota.  I'll blend in beautifully, I'll have plenty of opportunities to stay indoors, and I'll get snow.  Lots of snow.  And, I can say "baeg" instead of "bag."

Praying for snow days,
Non-Mommy

(PS - Wait, I need more info.  For schools in colder climates, what is the temperature cut off for playing outside at recess?  Do they ever get snow days?  I DO love snow days...)

Grandma Got Run Over by her Neighbor

 My grandma is hilarious.  She's really an interesting bird.  I could write an entire blog about her life alone.  However, it is the story of her being run over by one of her neighbors that I am sharing today.

My grandmother lives in a housing development filled with old people.  She spends a lot of time with a group of widowed women.  They go out to eat and see shows together.  You'd think, since this group is pretty much in their 80's, that they would be boring and drama free.  NO, SIR!  They fight as if they were in high school.

Two of the characters in the group have been battling one another.  The first Fighting Geezer is Sally.  Sally is old.  Really, really old.  She's tottery, forgetful, and looks as if a strong wind would blow her over.  Sally has been good friends with Dorothy, Fighting Geezer number two.  Dorothy had a stroke recently, so Sally has been helping her by driving her around.  Sally and Dorothy regularly go out to eat, and Sally always cuts Dorothy's food for her because Dorothy's hand strength is weak since her stroke.

Recently, Sally and Dorothy got into a fight.  As a payback, Sally declared that she would no longer cut Dorothy's food for her.  THAT SHOWED HER!  So Dorothy called up my grandmother and asked her if she would cut her food from now on, because Sally wasn't going to anymore.  When I heard this story, I laughed so hard.  The silly drama!  The best part is, they still go out with one another, even though they are mad.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  Sally, Dorothy and my grandmother went out to eat at their country club.  Sally, who is very frail and probably doesn't even remember her own name, drove.  Don't ask me why!  Every time I see Sally, I think that she's on Death's door and can't see.  Doesn't fill me with confidence to think that my grandmother is riding around with her.  So Sally drove the ladies to and from the country club.  My grandmother was helping Dorothy into the backseat and buckles her in.  She walked around, put one foot into the car, and was about to bring the other one into the car, when suddenly, Sally floored it.  This caused her to run over my grandmother's foot that was still on the pavement.

My grandmother found her shoe on the other side of the parking lot, and her foot was badly bruised, but nothing more. 

The next day, Sally showed up at my grandmother's house, apologizing profusely and handed her cash to get new shoes or to put toward a doctor's visit.  My grandmother was insulted, but I told her not to be.  Sally was just feeling guilty.  Then Sally called my grandmother four times in a row, prompting my grandmother to stop answering the phone.  Then Sally showed up AGAIN, acting as if she hadn't been there before, and handed my grandmother more money.  I'm just glad that a) Sally isn't my grandmother and b) my grandma was okay.

I'm going to choose to ignore the fact that there are people like Sally, all over the world, driving around when they shouldn't be, and instead focus on the fact that my grandmother got run over by a senile woman because the senile woman was fighting with her friend and wouldn't buckle her up.  In honor of this story, I composed the following song:

Grandma Got Run Over by her Neighbor

(Sung to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer)

Grandma got run over by her neighbor

buckling a friend into her seat

you can say that old folks are pretty boring

but I say they're an entertaining treat!

She'd been riding with Senile Sally

and we'd begged her not to go.

But she's a stubborn little old lady

and chose to be a friend, not a foe.

When they found her in the parking lot

at the scene of the attack

there were tire marks on her foot and

her missing shoe in the lot, way in the back.

Grandma got run over by her neighbor

buckling a friend into her seat

you can say that old folks are pretty boring

but I say they're an entertaining treat!

Now we're all so proud of Grandma

she's been taking this so well

See her there sipping her cocktails

encouraging Sally her car to sell.

It's hard to walk without a shoe

and a foot swollen and black

But we just can't help but wonder

if she'll go back?

Grandma got run over by her neighbor

buckling a friend into her seat

you can say that old folks are pretty boring

but I say they're an entertaining treat!

Now the shoe has been repaired 

and the foot is almost healed

I think my grandma needs a helmet

and a full length body shield.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors

better watch out for yourselves

they should never give a license

to an old lady who hears bells.

Grandma got run over by her neighbor

buckling a friend into her seat

you can say that old folks are pretty boring

but I say they're an entertaining treat!

Thanks!

This was such a crazy  Thanksgiving holiday.  I won't bore you with the details, just know the story involves starvation on a certain picky blonde's part, sleeping in my brand new ski jacket, hat and gloves, and coming home smelling strongly of bacon. 

Instead, I want to talk about being thankful.  Seriously, the last year of my life was almost the worst it could possibly get and I came about 10 seconds away from having to go into the looney bin, but I made it through.  Victory!  If I talked about all the things that have happened in my life, all the blessings through the rotten pain, I would cry.

You don't want to make me cry.  Trust me.

So, instead, I am going to talk about the silly things that I am thankful for.  I mean, I am genuinely thankful for these items, but not as much as the important people in my life and the way God has taken care of me.  My coping mechanism is humor, so humor you get!

1.  I am thankful for friends who will send me or pick me up food from Trader Joe's.  Trader Joe's, despite my deepest love and support, and many letters written to them, has refused to put a store within a reasonable driving distance from me.  I love you, Trader Joe's!  Stop snubbing us!  We need your unique and organic goodness just as much as everyone else!  So, until they finally decide that I am a genius and build a store closer to me, I am instead grateful to people who will buy me things like chocolate covered edamame or Meyer lemon thins.

2.  I am thankful for flat iron spray.  Without the stuff, my attempts at flat iron curls would, well, fall flat, for lack of a better term.

3.  I am thankful for the electric blanket.  Whoever created that baby was a genius.  I salute the inventor of the electric blanket from September to May.  Bravo, inventor!

4.  I am thankful for my missing appendix.  Because of its absence, I will never have to have another appendectomy.  This saves me a great amount of pain, time out of commission, and money.

5.  I am thankful that I get to work with a man.  In the education world, men are rare.  Without any testosterone present, the women work themselves into a frenzy and rip one another to shreds.  Even though I am female, sometimes I just need to hang out with the guys.  In my case, guy.  He's hilarious and he lets me use his restroom, which is much cleaner than the overly used ladies' room.

6.  I am thankful for bell peppers.  Without bell peppers, this certified veggie hater would be in big trouble.

7.  I am thankful that I have the ability to play the piano.  I don't play it well, and certainly don't want anyone to hear me play it, but it's a pretty cool feeling to be able to do it.  I enjoy it.

8.  I am thankful for Google Reader.  Thanks to Google Reader, I am able to keep up with lots and lots of blogs - and it even recommends new ones for me!

9.  I am thankful for the tankini swim suit with a skirt bottom.  Who knew that just a few more inches of fabric would make me strut around the pool belting out "Boom, chica wah wah!"  OK, not really.  But hey, the fact that I'm even walking around the pool at all is progress.

10.  I'm thankful that I have a job in which I can require my students to put on flower leis and dance to Elvis Presley's "Blue Christmas" every day during the Christmas season.  Is it educational?  Welllllll......

What random things are you thankful for?