The Birds and the Bees, Public School Style

This month, the note for "THE CLASS" comes.  You know, "THE CLASS."  I absolutely love this time of year because I secretly get great pleasure out of watching the kids squirm.  I explain that they need to return the permission slip stating that they are, or are not participating.   If they don't return it, I am required to call each parent about it.  This is how I get those notes back ASAP - I say "Do you really want me to call your parents to talk about how your body is going to change, and relationships between a couple?   If I call them, I will have to talk to them about it!"  You know, I get ALL the notes back the next day!

Anyway, I was giving this little speech a few years ago when I was approached by an adorable skinny girl.  A girl who usually whispers, and is very quiet.  She comes up to me afterwards and tells me that she got a book for Christmas all about her period and how her body is going to change and that she's becoming a woman.  I think back to when I was in fifth grade, and I know I wouldn't have even admitted that I'd ever even read the word "period" to my teacher!  Three girls came to me during Study Hall to ask if I would teach "THE CLASS", because they don't want the nurse to.   I guess I should take that as a compliment.

One of the boys yelled out "I don't want you to talk about that with my parents.  Period!"   I said "Yes, you'll be talking about that, too." Only about half the class got the joke.

This got me thinking about when I was a kid.  We had to watch a video for girls only.  The setting was a sleepover.  Some young gal got her period at the party.  The mother comes in, and starts talking about it.  Then, to explain it to the girls at the sleepover, she starts making pancakes.  What did she fashion the pancakes into?  Why, a uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, of course!  All the girls were so interested, and not at all weirded out.  When she was done making his pancake diagrams of the female anatomy, she said something like "Anyone hungry for breakfast??"  Then the FATHER came in and ate the pancake uterus!

At the end of the school day, all the girls on my bus stuck the pads to the bus windows.

I don't think they did a very good job. In my class, which wasn't that huge, around 200 people, there were already four babies born by eighth grade. MTV came to my high school to do a special about the high sexual intercourse activity at my school. By the time I graduated from high school, the drop out rate in our grade level was huge, and there were 17 babies born.

OH!  Wait!  If I'm taking a stroll down memory lane, how could I forget this tidbit?   I was at a church lock in event called "Disciple Now" in 8th grade.  I was sleeping on the couch, when I heard a disturbance behind the couch.  I looked over to see two of my classmates having sex.  When they finished, the boy went in the kitchen, crapped in a ziplock bag, and held it to my face.   He threatened to put it in my face if I told anyone.

Clearly, public health education is awesome and oh so effective!

(I tried, valiantly, to find a video of the pancake period lesson, but no one seems to be able to find it.  I did, however, find HILARIOUS old videos about getting your period.  Did you know that you should not go square dancing during your period?  Or go swimming because you might catch a cold?  Also, be careful about personal hygiene and daintiness!  I hope you find these as hilarious as I do.  Who knew looking for the pancake video would allow me to stumble across these gems??)

See, ya, 2010

I've never done much on New Year's Eve.  In fact, for the past I don't know how many years, New Year's was celebrated with just two people - myself, and my father.  It usually involved spending a great deal of time on laptops, eating Wheat Thins out of custard cups, visiting and watching Anderson Cooper on TV.  Around midnight, I would get up and get us something to drink to toast in the new year, and we'd go to bed. 

Oh yes, and I'd be remiss if I left out that my cousin/best friend's husband usually calls me on the exact second that it turns midnight to wish me a happy new year.  So usually, the new year involves me sprinting to my phone while juggling some beverage and a custard cup of Wheat Thins.

Last year, I rang in the new year in bed at my parents' house.  I was still very, very weak from a severe case of the Swine Flu, and my parents were invited to a party.  They went to the party, I laid in bed wishing that someone would shoot me.  Deep down, I felt sad because I wasn't spending the night with my father like I always had, but I was so exhausted and weak that I didn't care that much.  As it turns out, that would be my father's last new year.  I'm glad he spent it with my mom.

2010 sucked.  Big time.  There were good things about it, but overall?  I give 2010 an F-. Tonight for the first time, I have to ring in a new year with one less parent.  I have to watch my mother suffer through her first new year without the love of her life.  2010 is just a series of four digits.  Somehow, though, the change from 2010 to 2011 is a hard number change for me.  Irrationally, it feels like since 2010 was the last time I saw my dad, leaving it is hard.  It's like I'm leaving him behind forever.

God has truly blessed me.  I've seen so many good things happen through twelve months of pure torture.  I know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I'm glad for that.  I don't wish him back.  I know that he's supremely happy and healthy.  I know that we've all made it nine months without him, and that we'll continue to do so.  I know that even through the fog of sadness and torture, there's been a beam of bright light, guiding us along and reminding us that we are loved and part of a greater plan.

Walk in the Light, beautiful Light,
Come where the dew drops of mercy shine bright;
Shine all around us by day and by night,
Jesus the Light of the world.

But 2010?  Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.

2011 is going to rock.  It has to.

I Need to Join C.A.

Those of you who know me in real life, please refrain from mentioning who the actual celebrities are so that my location can remain a secret.

I have a problem.  It's a legitimate one.  I go nutso around famous people.  I don't even remotely get it.  I don't.  I don't even have to like them, but then the idea of seeing someone famous gets me all dizzy.  Or, I totally lose it and scream like a loon.  There is a very real chance that I would have reacted like this for the Beatles, against my will.




A very, very famous couple has been here visiting his parents.  You know he's brought a lot of women around over the years.  They ALWAYS come to eat at this one pizza place.  It's small and good.  They also don't take reservations.  So....imagine what I thought when I heard that the pizza joint had mysteriously accepted a reservation for a party of 12 under the name "GOMEZ."  Just hearing that made me go iron a shirt, put on a push up bra, and get the heck to the pizza restaurant!

Is this the famous family?

We got there, and were seated by the magical table for 12.  PERFECT!  We were also seated by the restrooms, and by the back door!  Could this get any better?!  I mean, with small children in their family, someone is going to have to go to the restroom, and of course they will want to come in a back door!  According to one employee, there was definitely a reservation for the "Gomez" family and it was a party of 12.  They never take reservations, but this one had been made.  Also?  They were told that they may have to turn over their cell phones.  CELL PHONES!!!!!  The Gomez party of 12 was looking better and better.

Or maybe this is the famous family?

We ordered food and waited, and waited, and waited.  I practically pulled a muscle because I was madly searching for any sign of the Famous Family.  THEN, at the large empty table next to us, a waitress started to add chairs.  She grabbed a high chair.  I almost wet my pants.  Seriously.  I mean, they are going to need high chairs!  But, sadly, it was not them.  Not at all.

Perhaps this is the family?

Defeated, we finished our meal and left.  The Gomez party of 12 at 6:00 never came.  IT HAD TO HAVE BEEN THEM!!

What about this family?

We sadly went to a nearby frozen yogurt place, hoping they might come in to allow their kids a frozen treat on these cold winter nights.

This family is a possibility as well...

The Famous Family never came in for frozen yogurt.  They didn't go to Target or Kohl's.  And they did not come to my house, either.

Could this be the family?

Epic fail.

I Got French Kissed by a Two Year Old

 Now that I am on winter break, I have time to spend with my nephew, the Former Baby.  He and I love going to the pool, and we try to do it as much as possible.  Today I took him to the fancy indoor pool that he loves.  In fact, he calls it the "Special Kool." 

I took him this afternoon and he was a wild man.  He was splashing like crazy.  He was shouting Toby Mac lyrics at the top of his lungs.  He was having a great time.  We were taking a lap around the pool, he was hanging on around my neck and kicking his feet behind him, when suddenly, out of no where, he leaned in.  I thought he was going to give me a kiss, but I had no idea what was coming.  Before I knew it, he shoved his slimy, nasty tongue into my mouth!  I don't know what my sister and brother in law are teaching him, but the "Special Kool" is rated G!

I tried very hard to ignore the fact that he's been coughing like an 80 year old with emphysema, prayed with all of my might that the chlorine would kill germs, and took a Flintstone vitamin.

The things I put up with in the effort to be a good aunt.

Ew.

Oh, it is on now!

I love buying Christmas gifts. I look forward to it, think about it for months in advance, and usually have my gifts purchased early. Hey, don't judge me! I get paid once a month. I get a panicky feeling inside if I think "I only have three more pay checks until Christmas!" so buying early ensures that I remain the bubbly, happy Non-Mommy we all know and love.

Last year, my family suggested that we drawn names for gift purchasing. The problem is, they suggested this in like October or November. I'd already purchased my gifts! So, we decided that we would drawn names this year. Soon after that decision, my father passed away unexpectedly. This meant some big financial changes for my mother, and we all agreed that drawing names was a good choice. A $20 price was suggested. I immediately protested. A $20 gift is harder to find than you would imagine, and there aren't that many of us. How about a higher limit? We all agreed.

I agonized over the price limit, as well as only being able to get gifts for one person. I kept finding things that I wanted to give to my mother, brother in law...everyone! But, I am nothing if not a rule follower. I carefully selected something for my sister and eagerly placed my one gift under the tree.

Christmas was good. It was hard without my dad. We all miss him terribly. It just felt a little more sad knowing he wasn't with us. Gift exchange time came. I gave my sister the one gift I had purchased. I was happy. And then, gifts started coming to me.

They were coming...

and coming...

and coming!!

WAIT A SECOND! I thought we were drawing names? What about the rules? And the price limit? Don't get me wrong, I loved each thing that I was given. But I felt like the cheap chump compared to everyone else. Granted, some of the gifts were of a sentimental nature in memory of my dear father. But I would have loved to give more to my family members.

I love buying things for the people I love. I even love wrapping the gifts. I'm fairly certain that I enjoy gift giving more than anyone else in the family, so the fact that I was the only rule follower stung a little.

It is on, family. It is on. You are going to have gifts coming out of your ears by the time I am done with you.