Things have been very, very stressful around the Non-mommy house this week. My brother in law had to have a pretty serious surgery unexpectedly. It was my mother's first wedding anniversary without my father. It was the first time that my nephew has had to spend extended time away from his parents. It's been a very emotional, exhausting week.
I've been tempted to sit down and cry in frustration and exhaustion many times this week.
But the only thing that really, really makes me want to cry is that I woke up this morning and was greeted by this hairdo:
Get better soon, J. The stress is making my hair do odd things!
I take my nephew to the pool as much as I can. We enjoy swimming. This week, my brother in law has been in a very unpleasant medical situation requiring a great deal of pain. My nephew has had a hard time adjusting to life without his dad and less time with his mom. Today, he needed to go swimming to perk him up. I had to take him to a different pool than I usually do because the heater was broken at our pool.
The new pool was cool, but the sidewalk was very scratchy and slippery. I kept having to yell at my nephew to STOP RUNNING for pete's sake! It's slippery!
We were walking around, I was holding his hand, and then BAMMMM. I fell like a rock and took my fragile little nephew down with me. He didn't seem to be too bothered, but Non-Mommy?
OUCH.
I fell hard. So there I am, laying splayed about, when a lifeguard comes over. Comes over to check on the old lady, yelling "Are you ok? Are you ok?" I was humiliated. And, bleeding! I'm completely bruised and cut up from the hip down. I had to be bandaged up by the 18 year old lifeguard. I'm all sore and tottery now. But I definitely got back in that pool because the kid needed it.
I'm not as young as I used to be. And also? Don't lecture people about running around the pool. Even walking can take you down.
Today, something horrible and filthy happened to me.
You see, in the school where I work, students have to take what we call "Swish." Swish is just a flouride rinse. The water here is flouridated, so I'm not sure why, but they still take it. It's really gross. I pass out 30 individual cups of the crap, they swish for one minute (the quietest one minute of my whole week), and I act all goofy. I tell them dumb things like "Just imagine your teeth thanking you. The flouride is filling in the holes and cracks in your teeth to keep you from getting cavities." They all spit in sync, and it's DISGUSTING. 30 kids spitting. *shudder*
Anyway, we have to dispose of it properly because you can't just put it in the trash, I guess. I make a kid go around and collect the stuff, because it's so sick. I can't handle it. Before they collect the spit cups, I lecture them about how if they get spit on the person, or their desk, or anything, they will be in really big trouble. REALLY BIG TROUBLE.
I was handed the bag o' spit.
I went to twist tie the bag o' spit, when I noticed something.
A damp feeling.
I looked down...
THE FREAKING SPIT BAG HAD A HOLE IN IT, and DRIPPED ALL OVER MY JEANS.
This prompted a gagging, gurgling scream from me. One of my little smart asses piped up and said "Ms. Non-Mommy, you just need to imagine your pants thanking you. The flouride is filling in the holes and cracks in your jeans."
If you're an altar worker, helping pass out communion, you should most definitely look at the part of your body that the people kneeling to receive communion will see.
It really takes the seriousness out of communion to see a robed assistant wearing blue (chipped) toenail polish. It might even make you want to spit out your wine.
This month, the note for "THE CLASS" comes. You know, "THE CLASS." I absolutely love this time of year because I secretly get great pleasure out of watching the kids squirm. I explain that they need to return the permission slip stating that they are, or are not participating. If they don't return it, I am required to call each parent about it. This is how I get those notes back ASAP - I say "Do you really want me to call your parents to talk about how your body is going to change, and relationships between a couple? If I call them, I will have to talk to them about it!" You know, I get ALL the notes back the next day!
Anyway, I was giving this little speech a few years ago when I was approached by an adorable skinny girl. A girl who usually whispers, and is very quiet. She comes up to me afterwards and tells me that she got a book for Christmas all about her period and how her body is going to change and that she's becoming a woman. I think back to when I was in fifth grade, and I know I wouldn't have even admitted that I'd ever even read the word "period" to my teacher! Three girls came to me during Study Hall to ask if I would teach "THE CLASS", because they don't want the nurse to. I guess I should take that as a compliment.
One of the boys yelled out "I don't want you to talk about that with my parents. Period!" I said "Yes, you'll be talking about that, too." Only about half the class got the joke.
This got me thinking about when I was a kid. We had to watch a video for girls only. The setting was a sleepover. Some young gal got her period at the party. The mother comes in, and starts talking about it. Then, to explain it to the girls at the sleepover, she starts making pancakes. What did she fashion the pancakes into? Why, a uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, of course! All the girls were so interested, and not at all weirded out. When she was done making his pancake diagrams of the female anatomy, she said something like "Anyone hungry for breakfast??" Then the FATHER came in and ate the pancake uterus!
At the end of the school day, all the girls on my bus stuck the pads to the bus windows.
I don't think they did a very good job. In my class, which wasn't that huge, around 200 people, there were already four babies born by eighth grade. MTV came to my high school to do a special about the high sexual intercourse activity at my school. By the time I graduated from high school, the drop out rate in our grade level was huge, and there were 17 babies born.
OH! Wait! If I'm taking a stroll down memory lane, how could I forget this tidbit? I was at a church lock in event called "Disciple Now" in 8th grade. I was sleeping on the couch, when I heard a disturbance behind the couch. I looked over to see two of my classmates having sex. When they finished, the boy went in the kitchen, crapped in a ziplock bag, and held it to my face. He threatened to put it in my face if I told anyone.
Clearly, public health education is awesome and oh so effective!
(I tried, valiantly, to find a video of the pancake period lesson, but no one seems to be able to find it. I did, however, find HILARIOUS old videos about getting your period. Did you know that you should not go square dancing during your period? Or go swimming because you might catch a cold? Also, be careful about personal hygiene and daintiness! I hope you find these as hilarious as I do. Who knew looking for the pancake video would allow me to stumble across these gems??)
