Got Milk?

I recently became aware of an interesting situation at my job.  It seems that my coworker Bessie (not her real name!) was bragging about some baking she had done recently.  Apparently, Bessie, who is breastfeeding, has an overabundance of breast milk.  So, naturally, she started to use her breast milk to bake with!  Apparently, the breast milk gives the cookies a taste that is just to die for.  Her kids love it, and Bessie would like her coworkers to try out her special brand of baked goods, Breast Bakery (OK, I made that part up.  But that is it - every thing else is true!).

After I finished vomiting, and doing a mental checklist to see if I have ever eaten anything made by Bessie, I told my sister about the Breast Bakery.   She immediately told one of her friends, who responded with "But that isn't pasteurized!"

I admit to being a totally naieve person in regards to breast feeding.  But is this typical??  Do people use other bodily fluids to cook with?!?!

The Fight to Save the Earth

I'm secretly a granola cruncher.  I'm not quite to the "weave my own clothing and french braid my armpit hair" level, but I do have some pretty strict food rules for myself, I'm a big recycling fan, and I despise plastic more than I can tell.  However, I don't want people to think I'm sitting around in Birkenstocks and dreaming about the shower I'll be able to take in a week's time, so I don't really broadcast this side of my sparkling personality.

Recently, I moved.  In this area, curbside pickup for recycling items is not the norm, so you have to take all of your goods to a recycling center.  I found the center closest to my home and was surprised to find that it was a little small in size and also packed with people.  I was also dumb enough to park my car next to the plastics recycling area and so my car was enveloped by the smell of rotten milk, but that is a story for another time.

I realized that if I am going to get prime placement of my recycled items, I was going to need to get to the recycling center early.  The bins were almost completely full.  I had to develop a game plan.  How could I best recycle massive amounts of cardboard, paper, glass and aluminum quickly without getting my car near the stinky part and while finding room to cram the items into the already full containers?

I developed a plan, and off I went to the recycling center.  I went at what I considered to be an early time, but I guess 11 a.m. is not early.  When I got there, there was only one other person besides myself.  Wonderful!  Not only did this bode well for emptying my car full of recyclables, but also fewer people would see me in my Saturday morning fashion crisis - sweats, air dryed hair, no makeup, and a...chilly...situation in the chest area.

I started to unload and found that the bins were really full again.  As in, almost completely full.  I was going to have to get creative about how I would get it all in.  Just as I put a bag filled with paper shreds from the shredder and was trying to dump it in without it blowing back out and in my face (those doors are taller than I am!), ten billion cars showed up to empty their recycling, too.  Now, the huge containers were really full.  Some of the doors were even locked.  I managed to find a spot in the paper bin that had a little room if I was creative, but how could I protect my spot and run back to my car to get more without someone stealing my area??

The occupants of the other cars eyed me with suspicion.  Was there any room for their recycling materials?  Why had I not parked in a spot like THEY all had?  You could cut the tension with a knife.  There was a palpable sense of a competition in the air.  I ran back to get a car load of goods, when someone swooped in and stole my spot!  I ran around to the other side and decided that if I threw the items hard enough, and high enough, I might be able to fling them into the far corners of the trash bin even though the door I was throwing through was packed to the ceiling full of junk mail and other paper goods.  I looked like a fool, leaping up and flinging boxes of Annie's mac and cheese into the corner of the bins.  But who cares how I looked?  I had a lot to recycle, and precious little space to dump my goods.  I threw the goods as if they were a discus and I was in the Olympics.  I also briefly wondered if I was throwing the trash and hitting the people on the other side of the bin, but sucks to be them!

Back at my car, I saw a spot open back up.  If I could get that spot, I'd be able to squeeze in those last packages of Perrier and a Newman's Own pizza box.  With a bead of sweat dripping down my back, I scoped out the competition.  The lady with the gloves on was going for my spot.  It was now or never.

Gritting my teeth, and grasping a paper towel roll to use as a weapon (in case of emergency, of course!), I sprinted to the last open place in the bin.  I shoved in my goods and internally gave a triumphant shout.

I'm just glad I didn't have to use that paper towel roll to defend my honor.  Don't make me get aggressive, people.  

Another day of fighting for the good of our planet.

Say whaaaa?????

Scene:  A police officer is in a certain blonde's classroom, discussing drug use with the students (age 11).  

Police Officer:  Does anyone know what inhalants are?

Student Notsomuch:  Yeah.  It's that long glass tube thing that you smoke out of.

Student Notnaieve:  NO.  That's a bong!  [rolls her eyes]

Police Officer:  Heh heh heh...where do you live?

Non-Mommy:  [Alternates between dying of laughter and passing out]

Costume Ideas Needed

Life has been a little bit crazy around here lately.  What with a dog that on some days is on death's door and other days she is friskier than she was 12 years ago, crazy parents to deal with at Parent/Teacher conferences, and a birthday...who has time to blog?!

There are certainly some interesting parts to my job, but have you ever considered the unique problems that a teacher faces on a day to day basis?  Take, for example, today.  Today I had to administer computerized assessments, help a diabetic student in an emergency, listen to a girl tell me about starting her period, figure out what to do because someone stole the chips to the Plinko board I will need tomorrow (solution?  Modeling clay in Mason Jar lids!), explain the purpose of chamber pots, and play Dodge Ball (if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!).  And that was all in the two hours after lunch!

One of the most baffling parts of my job is to have to dress up for spirit weeks.  It's fun.  I mean, I'm not complaining.  I get to wear pajamas to work on some days (even though on those days I live in fear that my car will break down on the side of the road and someone will find me wearing footie pajamas).  Today I found out that next week I have to dress up using the following descriptors:

1)  Dress up as a hero from history
2)  Dress up as an every day hero
3)  Dress up as a Tiger hero (mascot)
4)  Dress up as a future hero (what you want to be)
5)  Dress up as a hero from a book 

These are hard!  I have no idea what to do.  What happened to simple "Hat Day" or "Pajama Day?"  I need your help.  These are some of my thoughts/ideas:

1)  Hero from history...hmmm.  I'd prefer to be a woman for this, but on my commute home all I could think about were famous black heroes, and I'm not even remotely close to that.  I thought about dressing up as Mary Kay, or as Julia Child.  I have tons of old heroes from history such as Anne Hutchinson or Clara Barton, but I don't really have the clothing to dress up in an old fashioned style.  Then I googled some famous women.

Mary Anderson, inventor of the windshield wiper.  I look just like her, by the way.  If only I could find the hat.

Josephine Cochran, inventor of the dishwasher.  Does this picture not scream "If you leave those dirty dishes in the sink one more time, I will beat you with a fork!"

 Ruth Wakefield, inventor of the chocolate chip cookie.  God bless you, Ruth.

So, I need your help with this one.  What would be a good, "out of the box" kind of idea for a hero from history costume?  Keep in mind I am a poor teacher, and not willing to put that much effort into it.

2)  Every day hero.  Surprisingly, this is really hard for me.  Everyone is going to be dressed up as a doctor, nurse, police officer, fire fighter, etc.  I want something creative!  I have totally drawn a blank on this one.

3)  Dress up as a Tiger hero (mascot).  This one is easy.  I am going to dress up as one of the janitors in my school.  I just need a flannel shirt, ball cap, and a mug of coffee.  I also have to yell "Mornin', Debbie!" all day long because my janitor is hard of hearing and yells so loud that I think my aunt in California can here him if she really strains.  And also, he calls me the wrong name and he does it in front of my students.  

4)  Dress up as a future hero.  I want to be a wife and a mother.  Duh.  So that will be easy.

5)  A hero from a book.  HELP ME.  I don't know what to be!  I'm too feminine to be this hero:

(Plus, you know, I like to shower, get haircuts, pluck my eyebrows and I don't wear pink lipstick)

I've got nothing!  All ideas appreciated!

MY EYES! MY EYES!

(This entry is brought to you by "Whale Wars," a show I have been obsessively watching for the past 24 hours. Seriously, if you have never seen this, go. Now. It's gripping. It's wild. It's, like, real life pirateering! If you have Netflix you can stream season 1 and 2 online. You will NOT BE sorry, other than the fact that you will not be able to quit watching. It's pretty incredible. GO!)

I recently was shopping with a friend when I stumbled upon a rather...interesting...man.  I had to sneak pictures using my cell phone because, I mean, who goes out in public like this??

These images are burned into my retinas.  I am ruined forever.  Please, people.  There are children out there!  No one wants to see that!!!