I Am the Best Aunt, Ever

I've had the week off of work.  I've been spending each day with my adorable, giant nephew.  I always want to call him "The Baby," but the reality is that he will be three next week.  He also is wearing Depends sized diapers, he's just that big.  So, I knew the big Potty Training Bootcamp was approaching, and what else would an aunt want to do on her week off besides step in her nephew's urine and scrape off poop?  I've been helping teach the Former Baby basic potty skills, and overall it's been going very well.  However, the other morning, I sent this email to my sister, the Former Baby's mother:

"The Day Thus Far"

9:05 - Arrive to the pool for little splashers.  Today he jumped around like a maniac, he was thrilled.  He also was jumping like a kangaroo in the shallow water, slipped, and fell entirely into the pool.  Aunt Non-Mommy  yanked him up, he wiped off his eyes, coughed, and said "Again?"  But then he wouldn't go back under the water.  He did, however, ask Aunt Non-Mommy to go under water about 700 times.

10:00 - Leave the pool.  Former Baby is belting out his favorite tunes.

10:15 - Get all dressed.  Put on undies.  Aunt Non-Mommy begins to dress. 

10:16 - Pee all over his new clothes [Former Baby, not Non-Mommy].

10:17 - Aunt Non-Mommy puts on a diaper, has no pants to put him in, so he leaves the gym wearing just a t-shirt, diaper, and shoes.

10:19 - Former Baby runs around the outside of the gym, laughing hysterically, having a good time.  Aunt Non-Mommy is mortified that he is only wearing a diaper and keeps yelling loudly so people would know "Come on, we have to go home to get some new pants!" 

10:21 - Aunt Non-Mommy thinks Former Baby looks excessively pale and white trash in just a diaper, so she drags him away.

10:23 - Stop at Sonic for a drink.

10:33 - Pull up to the house and notice that the car seat is completely wet.  Uh oh.

10:35 - Take the kid out to find that the diaper is OVERFLOWING with urine.  Apparently he never peed while in the pool.

11:15 - Eat lunch.  Aunt Non-Mommy teaches Former Baby to tell his grandma that she sounds like a dead cow.

11:45 - Aunt Non-Mommy cleans up the kitchen.  Former Baby plays the piano.

11:46 - Former Baby comes running out of the piano room holding his crotch.  He had peed on the piano bench.  But hey, he stopped what he was doing, so we call this a victory!  Former Baby pees quite a bit in the potty and is very proud of himself.

12:00 - Aunt Non-Mommy resumes cleaning the kitchen.  Former Baby works on the piano again.

12:01 - Former Baby has gone strangely silent.  Aunt Non-Mommy walks in to see that Former Baby has apparently grown a new appendage on his bottom.

12:01:30 - Former Baby immediately begins crying before Aunt Non-Mommy says a word, because he knows he pooped.

12:02 - Former Baby and Aunt Non-Mommy go to the bathroom and knock the large grapefruit sized poop into the toilet. 

12:03 - Former Baby says he needs to go again.  He sits and strains and strains and strains.  He poops out something the size of a green bean, and pees.  Victory!

12:04 - Former Baby sees that he has smeared poop ALL over the potty seat and freaks out. 

12:04:30 - Former Baby sees that he has poop on his socks.  He sits down on the floor to take off the offending socks.

12:06 - Former Baby stands up, and now sees that he has smeared poop all over the carpet, and freaks out more.

12:07- Aunt Non-Mommy keeps trying to reassure him that all is well, it's ok, but he's not convinced.

12:07:30 - Grandma comes back in, Aunt Non-Mommy sends out an SOS

12:08 - Grandma puts a diaper on Former Baby, Aunt Non-Mommy begins to clean up PoopFest 2011.

12:15 - Former Baby goes down for a nap, proud of himself for pooping. 

12:18 - Aunt Non-Mommy emails an update to Former Baby's mother and changes her socks.  You don't want to know.

I am not getting paid enough for this gig.  For sure.  Good thing he's cute.