Thursday, August 26, 2010

This is why I am still single

 Today a student asked me if I had ever been close to getting married, and if I wanted to be married.  I responded that I hadn't been close to being married, but that yes, I did want to be married someday.  I explained that I just hadn't met the right person yet.

The young lady told me that she never wanted to get married because her stepdad spent like 30 minutes in the bathroom and she just didn't want to deal with that!

Good reason, kid.  Good reason.

Monday, August 23, 2010

My Cup Runneth Over (or Under)

 I went to the mall recently. I purchased pair of pants, and three bras. I must share how much pleasure I derive from bra shopping. It's a blast. Really. Especially when you can hear conversations such as this from the dressing room next door:

Teenager: MOOOOOOM. That bra is ugly. I don't like it.

Mom: OK, honey, I'll go get you 50 more. Hang on.

Teenager: See Mom, this is the problem. Nothing ever looks good on me.

Mom: Those grey pants looked good on you. They were just too big. So, a size four is too big.

Teenager: And a size two is too small. Sigh.

Mom: So I guess you need a size three.

Teenager: MOOOOOOM. They, like, hardly ever carry a size three.

Mom: Look how pretty that bra looks on you.

Teenager: Taylor loves my flat stomach. He thinks it's so hot.

Non-Mommy: [Wrapping a bra around her neck to hang herself on the little wall hook]

OK this post is about to nose dive into major female oriented territory, so if you don't want to keep reading, don't!

I really dislike shopping for bras. I did get measured once, and the size she gave me was laughable. Yeah. Sure. I can wear that...with two pieces of fruit to fill the rest of the cup. I think she was wrong. But I don't want to be measured again, I'm just too self-conscious. So I don't know if everyone has to try on a thousand bras until you find one you like, but I do. And there are just too many choices. Do you want one that is bullet proof with padding? Underwire? No underwire? Lacy? Smooth? Color? I always think I want the cute hot pink bra, or the green one with brown polka dots, but then what do you wear it with? Once I was wearing a sleeveless shirt to work, and a red bra underneath. The strap of the bra began to show slightly, and one student noticed, and then the entire class went nuts about me wearing a red bra. Seriously. I'm rolling my eyes. So this is the audience I have to shield myself around.

So then you narrow down your choices and go to the dressing room. You know, where it's always very flattering light, etc. Don't forget people mix me up with a freaking albino so I look doubly radiant in those great, stupid lights. Then you try it on, and can't decide. Perky enough? Too perky? Does it give you back fat? How does it look under clothing? And you also think other happy thoughts like "Darn you, Nutella, and your chocolatey, hazelnutty goodness!" and "Why am I not an Olmypic beach volleyballist, or swimmer?" Then you go to pay for the bras, and they are freaking expensive. And then, I need therapy after that delightful experience!

I'd much rather shop for regular clothes any day. You know. The items that help you cover up what you don't like, rather than forcing you to look at yourself. BLAH!

You men, if you are still reading this, have it so easy!!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Oh, sick.

Tonight I was eating salad with my dinner when I remembered a rather unpleasant memory.  Here's a little question for all the brilliant minds out there...

HOW does a FEATHER get into the middle of lettuce?!?!!  A couple of years ago, I was making lettuce wraps for dinner.  I had already chopped everything up and cooked the chicken.  I went to rinse the leaves, and was pulling them apart when I found a FEATHER!!!  OH GAG GAG GAG!!  So I pondered the idea of eating lettuce wraps, minus the lettuce (which I did).  I was so disgusted.  I didn't think I should eat it.  I didn't want Bird Flu or anything!  And FYI, I had Swine Flu last year and it was so horrible, I can't even express how bad it was. 

Ok, I think I might be slightly neurotic.  Make that really neurotic.  During dinner, I found myself thinking about that feather.  I have come up with the following possibilities of how the feather got there:

Feather Scenario Number One
Bird:  Kaw, kaw.  This is a lovely lettuce field.  I think I will divebomb that man bending over in the hot sun working in the fields.

Man in Fields:  !@#$ birds!  Go away!  (Swings hat at bird, bird loses feathers)

Feather settles on plant, and lets other leaves grow over it.

Feather Scenario Number Two
Bird:  Kaw, kaw.  I need to find a place to nest.  Hmm.  What would be a good place to build a famiy?  I know, how about those shady green things on the ground?

Future Eggs:  Yes, that would be a great place.

Bird:  Mama is here for you, babies.

Baby Bird Number One:  (Cracking out of Egg) What a bright, green world!  I sure wish I could fly.

Baby Bird Number Two:  (Cracking out of Other Egg) You can fly!  Try flapping your wings like this!

Baby Bird Number One:  I'm not going anywhere, and there are weird things falling off of my wings.

Feather settles on plant, and lets other leaves grow on it.

Feather Scenario Number Three
Bird:  Kaw, kaw.  I just need a minute to rest.  That field looks lovely.  I'll stay far away from those very hard working men over there.

Fox:  Mmmmmm.  A bird just landed.

Bird:  Kaw, kaw, kaw.  What a cool, refreshing place to rest.

Fox:  Oh little bird, what's that?  (Pointing up)

Bird:  (Looks up) I don't see anything, Mr. Fox, what do you see?

Fox lunges at the bird, the bird flies away, and feathers are left behind.  A feather settles on a plant, and let's other leaves grow on it.

Feather Scenario Number Four
Bird:  Kaw *cough* Kaw *cough* Kaw *cough cough*  I don't feel so well.

Other bird:  Maybe you have the flu

Bird:  Nah.  *cough cough*  I just need a minute to rest.

Other bird:  Where are you going to rest?

Bird:  *cough* Those green, leafy plants look soft.  Maybe *cough* I'll just lay there and cough out all my germs.

Other bird:  Good idea.  No one will know you're sick if you just rest there a minute.

Bird:  *cough*  Oops.  I wish I had a tissue.  I just left mucus on that leaf.  Oh well.  Only birds eat this, right?

Other bird:  You dropped a feather.

Bird:  *cough* Oh well.  No one will catch my flu from one feather, right?

Other bird:  You look like you're dying.

 (Yes, I know that I am neurotic.  That's all part of my charm, right?  Right?)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

You Shouldn't Have...No, Really.

In honor of the beginning of school, I present to you one of the best notes I have ever received from a student.  This is an actual note I was given.  Enjoy!

Hola Senorita Non-Mommy,

I am going to tell you five things I like about you and I am going to tell you three things that I don't like about you. This is what I like about you:

1. You help me when I need help.

2. You help me understand stuff I don't no.

3. You allways have answers to my questions.

4. You teach me new stuff every day.

5. You are like a part of my family.

Here are the things about you that I don't like:

1. Most of the time you don't bleve me at all.

2. Sometimes you get mad at me even thow I didn't do it.

3. When I am trying to keep the room clean you get mad at me.

But I still love you for how you are NOT the way you look.

Your best friend,


(This letter still makes me laugh to this day.  Thanks, best friend!)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Urine a Lot of Trouble

Recently I was asked if I would be willing to acquire and deliver balloons for a friend's funeral. The family was hoping to do a balloon launch at the cemetery in honor of their departed loved one. I agreed to do it, and was a little stressed about the timing. It was near the Former Baby's naptime. I wasn't sure what time the funeral would end, and I sure as heck wasn't taking the cranky Former Baby to the funeral. Most importantly, could I get all those balloons in a car with a small child AND manage to get them there without them exploding in the hundred degree heat?

In the event of a balloon emergency, I ordered extra balloons. Getting the balloons was comical to say the least.


The child already was not feeling well, and he wasn't crazy about being surrounded by balloons.   In my mind, I went through a checklist:

66 helium filled balloons?  Check.
Bag with a banana, a Nutrigrain bar, fruit leather, crackers, and lots of water?  Check.
Bag filled with the Former Baby's favorite toys?  Check.
Dress on?  Check.
Current temp:  97.6 degrees
Current heat index:  102 degrees

So, after shoving my beloved nephew into a vehicle filled to the brim with helium and latex, we made it home.  The poor sick guy fell asleep in the car (which he never does) amongst a cloud of pearlized white balloons and he looked like a little angel.  The Former Baby was put to bed and then I went to work developing a plan that would allow 66 balloons to fit in the car and still allow my poor nephew a chance to breathe.

During his miracle nap, the child woke up pleasantly healthy and perky - which was good because he'd been obnoxious and we had a time sitting in the car with 66 balloons until the family was ready for them.  I got a text that it was go time, I shoved the kid in the car, I carefully placed 66 balloons tied to coffee mugs (it was ingenious, my stacking system!) and off we went to the cemetery - where at least 5 UPS pilots stole the balloons they were supposed to release!  Come on, idiots.  Have you ever been to a funeral where they give out balloons as a parting gift?  I don't think so.  The kids had their own color balloon, the wife had a red love balloon, and everyone else had white.  It was actually beautiful.

Overall, Operation Balloonation was a success.  And to reward my nephew who was tremendously good and patient today after such a weird day, I texted his mom and asked if she could pick him up late so I could take him to the big fancy indoor pool at my gym.  She said yes, I sped home, grabbed our things and left.  We went to the gym, he was SUUUUUPER excited, I changed him into his little swim diaper and trunks, we walked to the pool's edge and then...the doomed words came.


Now, we were a mere inches from entering the water.  My nephew was singing songs, he was so overjoyed to swim, and was ready to dive in when MEAN AUNT NON-MOMMY ripped him away from the pool.  He didn't understand.  He hesitantly walked out the door with me and then when he realized that we were actually leaving without so much as a toe in the water, he freaked.  We're talking glass shattering, explosive, "I'm at the end of my rope!" kind of losing it.  I picked him up off the floor, put him on my hip promising that we could go to the pool in my neighborhood, when suddenly, I felt water running down my leg.  We hadn't been in the pool.  I wasn't peeing, or going into labor or anything.

I had my nephew's urine streaming down me.

Seems the swim diaper didn't work.  This is the second time this has happened.  I made sure his little peener was pointing in the right direction.  He hadn't had it on 3 minutes, so it couldn't have been overfull.  I don't know if the force of his screaming made the urine shoot out even more or what.  So now I have a screaming, crying, urine covered child to take to the car.  He was NOT happy.

It was 4:35.  The neighborhood pool closes at 5:00.  I sped to the pool.

4:40 and we're at the neighborhood pool.  I didn't even have sunblock for the kid, but he was getting in that water, darn it!!  We got in and he was ecstatic.  20 short minutes later and we are out.  He's not very happy, but happier than he was!  Then he was running along the sidewalk and he did a total face plant on the concrete that was 4000 degrees.

This non-motherhood gig is for the birds.

Friday, August 6, 2010

A Day in the Life

(Taken from my personal diary, August 2009)

5:55 - The alarm clock starts blinking.  Hit the snooze button.

6:00 - The alarm clock starts blinking again.  Stretch and turn it off.  Thank God you don't have to wake up to a blasted noise anymore.  (If you are interested in the best alarm clock ever, go here.  This clock has literally changed my life!)

6:02 - Pour myself a bowl of Cinnamon Harvest cereal (Kashi - so delicious) and get online.  Primarily check Google Reader, CNN, Daily Mail, and emai (I used to get up at 5:30 and read the Bible, but I have stopped doing that.  I need to get back into that habit.  I'm not a morning person.).

6:15 - Turn on music, get in the shower.

6:40 - Get dressed, grab lunch and throw it in my Trader Joe's bag (I use that as a school bag).

6:45 - Pull out of garage.

6:50 - Walk into my classroom.  Turn on music.  Check school email.  Grade papers.

7:15 - This is when people start coming into my room to talk to me.  I get nothing accomplished.

7:30 - This is when my two work partners come in and ask me what to do.  Sometimes it annoys me, because can't they make any decisions on their own?  They are educated adults, after all!

7:40 - Write the date and lunch choices on the board, change the daily schedule, fill in the agenda so the kids can fill out their planner.

7:45 - Fill up water bottle, use the restroom.

7:55 - Kids start coming to the room.  Stand at the door and greet.

7:56 - Periodically, most of the kids come ask me "Can I go to the bathroom?  Can I sharpen my pencil?  Can I go back to my locker?"  And every day I'm like "STOP ASKING me, just go do it!  You're not in kindergarten anymore!"  They get much more independent by Christmas.

8:05 - I ask if anyone has any lunch money or notes for me.

8:07 - I ask if anyone has any lunch money or notes for me.

8:10 - The tardy bell.  I count a bunch of people tardy.  I ask again about lunch money or notes.

8:11 - The morning announcements/pledge/Pride Pledge.

8:20 - Time to start the math lesson.  Some kid will interrupt me and ask me what he should do with his lunch money and notes.

8:21 - William announces "I hate this.  This is boring.  I don't want to be here.  I don't like you.  Why is your hair so white?  You have a big nose."

8:21:05 - I take a DEEP, CLEANSING BREATH.  My nose might appear even bigger because of the frequent DEEP, CLEANSING BREATHS I'm taking all day.

8:22 - I start the math Power Point.  This is not my idea.  We're being forced to follow a new math series, and I just stand there like a dumpy Vanna White and hit the arrow button on the Power Point.  I don't even teach anymore.

8:23 -The kids' eyes begin to glaze over, because this is the most boring, stupid method to teach, ever.  But hey, it's researched based.

8:25 - I remind William gently to stop laying across his desk.  He responds with something like "I don't care!"  Or makes animal noises at me.

8:26 - I remind Garrett to close his mouth!  This happens all day long.

8:45 - Finish Power Point.  All kids are confused.  And bored.  And I'm wondering why they need me, when they could just hire a monkey to do my job?

8:47 - The kids are supposed to play the math game that goes with the Power Point.  But they don't get the math concept because of the stupid Power Point, so I spend a lot of time walking around, explaining.

8:50 - I mutter about how much I hate this math series, and how I'm going to have 60 totally clueless kids by the end of the year.

9:00 - The kids start whatever assignment it is.  I remind them that they only have 5 minutes.  William says "I don't want to do this.  I don't care about this.  I hate you."  And I think "I love you, too, William!"

9:05 - Clean up from math, get ready to go to their special class.

9:07 - Stand in the entrance to the boys restroom yelling "Do I need to come in there?  What is going on?  I will come in, don't make me!" Every once in a blue moon, I will have to go in there.  And I yell about 400 times "I am coming into the restroom!  Ms. Non-Mommy is coming into the restroom!  Did you hear me?  A female teacher is coming into the restroom.  Cover everything up, I am coming into the restroom.  Did you hear me?  I am about to walk into the boys restroom!"

9:10 - Drop off kids at their special class.  Remind the teacher that I need a detailed report about William's behavior.  This is my planning time.  It varies from day to day.  Many times I have meetings.  I run tons of errands, email upset parents, call back parents, etc.

9:58 - Oh my gosh!  I have to pick up my kids in 2 minutes!  Race to the restroom, and make it to the other side of the building by 10:00.  Yes, I could have a gold medal in getting in and out of a restroom quickly (with clean hands!).

10:00 - Have a new group of students in my room.  Teach a stupid Power Point math lesson.  But this class behaves much better than my homeroom, so I relax.

10:55 - Get my hellions back.  Take them to wash their hands before lunch.  William says "I don't want to wash my hands.  Sanitizer is 99.9% effective, and I used two squirts, so I'm covered 180%.  I don't care about Swine Flu."  I don't correct his math, or explain it to him.  He sticks his tongue out at me or something equally mature and respectful.

11:05 - I sit down with my lunch.  Some other teachers will come in and we have a meeting until recess.  I have to take notes.  While I am eating.

11:20.  I just don't even talk anymore, because I'm wiped and I don't want to complain anymore.

11:20 - Grab my hat, water, and the rest of my lunch and go to the playground where I eat the rest of my lunch while monitoring students.  Keeping a close eye on William, because he has problems at recess (I have recess duty every other week, all week.  So if I don't have it, I'm in my room thinking about doing work, but really just emailing.  Ha.).

11:45 - Recess is over, return to the room.

11:50 - Reading/writing time.  I dread this block of time.  I can teach writing well, but I strongly dislike teaching reading.  And guess who else hates it?  William!!  And he tells me that, vociferously.  This includes conversations with him at approximately 11:55, 12:00, 12:05, 12:10, 12:15...etc.  This time of day seems like it will never end.  I end up checking my email at lot during this time.  It's good to know there's life outside of my classroom.

1:20 - Reward recess.  This is the only consequence I have to give students.  If they misbehave, they miss this recess.  Or if they have missing work.

1:35 - Back in from recess.  School wide intervention time.  Too complicated to explain.  Just know that William hates it.

2:10 - Take the kids to the restroom.  Someone will come tattle on William at this time.

2:15 - Who cares what we are doing by this time?  All that matters is what William is doing.  It usually involves throwing things.  Or yelling.  Or both.  By this time in the day, I'm really tense.  William is not my only problem child, by any means.  But he dominates most of my day.

2:55 - Stand in the hallway and watch the kids go to their lockers.  Take deep breaths and give myself a pep talk.  Some kid is usually standing with me, telling me a story.  And I nod along like I am listening.  Ha.

3:00 - Kids leave, I stand in the hallway for bus duty.  This involves getting hugs from tiny children, and high fives, and my old students sneak into the building to say hi to me, and William has left, so I'm feeling better.

3:15 - All the kids are gone.  If I don't have a meeting, I will do more email and grade more papers.  And try to avoid the janitor.  But this is when he comes and I am trapped.  I have meetings most of the time after school.

4:30 - Leave school, after a long boring meeting.  Or, leave the meeting trying to not hire someone to whack the powers that be in the knee with a crowbar.  Where is Tonya Harding when you need her?

4:45 - Go to the grocery store.  I don't go every single day, but I go a lot - because I'm a very poor shopper.

5:30 - Sit on the couch and try not to fall asleep.  Or take a quickie nap.  If I'm still awake, I'll skim the internet quickly.  And maybe have a spoonful of peanut butter.

6:00 - Do some form of exercise.  This time might vary.  I usually meet two friends for this.

7:00 - Get home, cook something to eat.  Question my decision to not eat foods that have HFCS in them, or to only eat whole foods.  Because this means I have to cook!  And clean up!

8:00 - Eat.  Watch some TV. I'm playing on the computer on and off all night.  It sits on my couch, open.

9:00 - Turn on some music, grade papers for only an hour, I vow. I have 180 math assignments A DAY to grade.  Times that by 5 days, and I have 900 papers to get graded by Friday.  And that's only one subject.  Again, not my idea!

10:00 - Take a shower and feel much better!  I'm clean!  I'm relaxed!  Woo!

10:30 - Get on the computer for very serious computer work.  This includes reading my Google Reader, checking out a few slightly gossip-like celebrity websites, and doing email.

11:30(a) - If I'm not still on the computer, I get into bed with a good book.

12:30(a) - If I'm reading a book, I probably stop reading about now and go to bed.

11:00 (b) - I might be online goofing off at this time.  If so, I might be up for much longer.  Just depends.

1:00 a.m. -  I definitely aim to be in bed by this time!

This is my very boring life at this time.  It would have looked very different last school year, and even MORE different during the summer.  You can see that work kind of dominates my days at this time.

(Love this song, especially very loud.  I've always wanted to play the piano part for this song.  Or really, any instrument in it.)


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