Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Kid Farm!

For some reason, I am oddly drawn to some terrible television. Two shows, in particular, make me completely crazy. Like, I want to poke my eyeballs out with a fork and I can feel my brain slowly leak out of my ears when I watch them. And yet, I cannot stop! Why do I do this to myself?!

Offender number one: (Jon and)Kate Plus Eight. I used to love this show at the beginning. Who wouldn't get all gushy inside watching eight little adorable Korean children? At first, I felt sorry for Jon because Kate was so horrible to her husband. And then, she turned into a skank, which is not good and lowered her stock in my opinion. And then, they both turn from all their former family values. And then, Jon gets into drugs and acts like an idiot. And now? Kate has eight children who are, I fear, doomed to a life of bitter feuding between their parents led by a mother with boobs large enough to be used as life preservers.

Then I saw this, and in a totally ungodly way, I had to laugh:

The next show I watch that seriously liquifies my brain faster than the sun melts an ice cube is that darn Duggar show!! These people make me insane!!!! I have no problem with large families (I'd like one of my own, actually) and I have no problems with homeschooling (really!), but these people...shouldn't Arkansas run them out of their state? I mean, are they really proud of them? I do respect that the Duggars are firm in their beliefs and do what they believe is right, but good golly, Miss Molly, this family is...interesting.

This video is hysterical, especially if you have seen the Duggar show.

I do feel like I should warn you that there are some words that you may not want young children to hear in this video. It's worth coming back to watch!

My idea of a good show? A reality show about a single blonde living in the midwest who just wants to find a rich man, move to an island (a sun free island, of course - no skin cancer here!) and raise a family of beautiful children.

And if this rich man could have a cute accent, say a Scottish one, and maybe if he had a brother that was a pool man so that I could have a pool but not have to maintain it...

I think this is a great idea!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Lady Gaga Teaches History

 An actual answer from a student when asked to use vocabulary from a unit about Native Americans:

Katie Perry was tired from dancing at the kiva ceremonies and giving Lady Gaga "Kachina" dolls.  So she had to go to her hogan to sleep.  Jessica Simpson loves going to the kiva ceremonies with Ashton Kutcher.  They go together because they live in the same pueblo.

My question is, does Demi know about Jessica Simpson?!?

Monday, September 20, 2010

This Bites

Once upon a time, there was a blonde with a million dollar smile.  Her teeth were straight, were affordable, and most importantly, cavity free.  When this blonde turned 28 she got her first cavity and she was shocked that her perfect mouth was now tainted.  Given the sorrow of now having a ruined mouth, combined with the stress of getting a Master's degree, the blonde threw caution to the wind and got more cavities.  Go hard or go home, right?
Then, the economy changed, the blonde was dental insurance-less (is that a word?) and the blonde decided to step up her oral health care and skip going to the dentist for a bit.  Like, a year and a half, two years MAX.

Recently, the blonde was minding her own business, eating hummus, you know the incredibly HARD food, when she felt something stuck in her teeth.  Hmm.  The blonde tried to floss it out, and upon floss insertion, the floss immediately broke.  Uh oh.  This was not good.  The blonde tried again.  And again.  And again.  She tried chewing gum (sugar free, of course!).  She tried using the SoniCare toothbrush.  Nothing changed.  She slid floss in between the tooth one more time and like magic, the floss went in!  She gently continued flossing when suddenly, part of her tooth fell out!


The next day, the blonde sheepishly went to a new dentist to deal with the hole in her tooth.  As she lay on the dentist chair, she became concerned at how much the dentist seemed to have to say about her teeth in his special dentist code.  He got to number 14, sighed, and said "Hmm.  Let's come back to number 14."  The blonde managed to gurgle out "That doesn't sound good."  He continued speaking in code to the dental assistant.  The blonde guessed that the dentist was using curse words in dental speak.  He went back to tooth number 14 and said "Decision time.  What should I do?"  The blonde shivered in her boots.

The dentist finished his exam and explained that the blonde had a few problems.  Like, four sessions worth of work.  He then totally freaked out the blonde by saying that she had severe gum recession and that if it got any worse he would refer her to a paleontologist (not really, I just can't remember the name of the guy) to discuss a gum grafting procedure.  


They want to cut the skin off of the roof of the blonde's mouth and attach it to her gums!!!!!!!  But, to comfort her, the dentist told her that after that surgery patients used to look like they had a tire patch attached to their gums, but not to worry, it doesn't look like that anymore.


Then, the price breakdown came.  Once the blonde came to, she realized that the four sessions to fix her teeth were going to cost more than her entire monthly salary her first year of teaching.


The blonde with the horrible teeth went home and told her sister about her sad tooth woes.  When the sister heard about the gum transplant, she gasped and immediately told her sister not to do it.  She said that she had a friend who had that done and that they offered for her to use the skin from a corpse's mouth.


The blonde immediately hurled all over the floor and began plucking her teeth out, one at a time, with pliers.

Not really.
You know, this teeth drama is really a metaphor for the blonde's life.  From the outside everything looks great, but on the inside, it's a hot mess!!

The blonde would prefer to remain anonymous because she doesn't want people to think she's a dirty skanky mouth.  She'd like me to tell you that she brushes and flosses every day and uses a flouride rinse!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dedicated to my One True Love

You know, we were meant to be.  We have the same initials.  We are both intelligent.  We both have blue eyes.  We both love to travel.

Recently, Anderson has been concerned about me.

Major stress?  Swine flu?  Appendectomy?  The death of my father?  All since last September?  Yep, Anderson was thinking only of me, all this time.

"What can I do for my love to perk her up?  I remember how much I suffered from the death of my father."

"I've got the perfect idea.  Something that will add a twinkle to her eyes like my blue, blue eyes.  And by the way, when I think about Non-Mommy, I'm not thinking about anything but being straight and raising beautiful children with the blonde love of my life."

"I know!  I'll send her a birthday card.  I know it's months late, but I knew that this would be a hard time for her and nothing would perk her up like a personalized, autographed card from me.  Yep, I love my Non-Mommy."

-Anderson "I'm Not Officially Out of the Closet So a Girl Can Dream" Cooper

(A HUGE shout out to my favorite sister who arranged for me to get birthday cards from some of my favorite celebrities.  I'd also like to acknowledge my aunt who says that this might be why I am still single - I can't crush on gay men.  It does not compute.  I just can't resist those deep blue eyes and that cute smirk!)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sometimes My Job is Awesome

Let's face it, teaching isn't easy.  Whether you homeschool, teach in a private school, or work in a public school, it's a lot of work and a lot of stress at times.  In my particular school setting, it can be very overwhelming.  The pressure to perform well on standardized tests, keep parents happy, accommodate special needs, and accomplish 4,000 things in 12 hours can make it hard to remember that sometimes, my job is fun!

Kids make me laugh.  I am fortunate enough to work with 11 year olds.  I love kids at this age.  They are hilarious and sweet, but also independent.  This week, one of the kids wrote "Tropic of Sun Damage" instead of "Tropic of Cancer" on a test!  Sometimes I get to wear pajamas to work, and if I mention that I love chocolate, kids bring it to me.  Not too shabby!

 Another perk is that I get to deal with all sorts of people.  One of my favorite things to do is be in charge of the Book Walk at an after school event.  It is very similar to a Cake Walk, but instead of receiving a cake if your number is called, you receive a book.  When the music stops, I draw a number and present the winner with a book of their choice.  It can sometimes be chaotic because it is filled with small children, teenagers, and adults.  It's usually a popular event, especially with the little ones.  You don't need much skill to walk around in a circle. 

Once, it was the end of the night and it was time for the Book Walk to shut down.  There were still a few small children that wanted to participate.  The last time around, when the music stopped, I announced that that if they were standing on an odd number or an even number they could come select a book, but they had to be on an odd number or an even number only.  The little children all yelled out their numbers to me, asking if their number was an odd or an even number, and were thrilled to "win" a free book.  My obnoxious former students (who are now teenagers) snickered about what a sucker I was.  Just as I was cleaning up, a tiny little blonde girl (who was maybe 5) came up and tapped me on the leg.

"Can I still do it?" she whispered.

"Of course you can!" I replied.

I turned the music back on and the tiny, adorable girl skipped happily around the circle, completely alone.  I stopped the music, she stopped on a number and eagerly looked up at me.  I yelled out the number that she was standing on and she pumped her little fist in the air, shouting "I can't believe I won!"

She was so darn cute that I let her do it again, three more times.  She was amazed to win three times in a row.

My job rocks.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Confessions from the Twin Cities

This non-mommy has been one busy lady.  Between school starting and a trip to sunny Minnesota, I haven't been able to blog in some time.  While in Minnesota, I figured out a few reasons why I am still single.

Reason number one, I don't speak with a cutie accent like this:

Reason number two, I am in the wrong part of the country!  I am living in a land full of beautifully pigmented people when I really look something like this:

Reason number three, I haven't convinced myself like Mary Tyler Moore that I was gonna make it after all!  Now that I saw the REAL Mary Tyler Moore statue and threw my hat in the air, I know that it's time to start living and that I need to turn the world on with my smile!

Reason number four, why did no one tell me about this?!

Reason number five, I haven't been shopping for men in the right place:

Thank you, Minnesota.  You have opened my eyes!


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