Sunday, August 22, 2010

Oh, sick.

Tonight I was eating salad with my dinner when I remembered a rather unpleasant memory.  Here's a little question for all the brilliant minds out there...

HOW does a FEATHER get into the middle of lettuce?!?!!  A couple of years ago, I was making lettuce wraps for dinner.  I had already chopped everything up and cooked the chicken.  I went to rinse the leaves, and was pulling them apart when I found a FEATHER!!!  OH GAG GAG GAG!!  So I pondered the idea of eating lettuce wraps, minus the lettuce (which I did).  I was so disgusted.  I didn't think I should eat it.  I didn't want Bird Flu or anything!  And FYI, I had Swine Flu last year and it was so horrible, I can't even express how bad it was. 

Ok, I think I might be slightly neurotic.  Make that really neurotic.  During dinner, I found myself thinking about that feather.  I have come up with the following possibilities of how the feather got there:

Feather Scenario Number One
Bird:  Kaw, kaw.  This is a lovely lettuce field.  I think I will divebomb that man bending over in the hot sun working in the fields.

Man in Fields:  !@#$ birds!  Go away!  (Swings hat at bird, bird loses feathers)

Feather settles on plant, and lets other leaves grow over it.

Feather Scenario Number Two
Bird:  Kaw, kaw.  I need to find a place to nest.  Hmm.  What would be a good place to build a famiy?  I know, how about those shady green things on the ground?

Future Eggs:  Yes, that would be a great place.

Bird:  Mama is here for you, babies.

Baby Bird Number One:  (Cracking out of Egg) What a bright, green world!  I sure wish I could fly.

Baby Bird Number Two:  (Cracking out of Other Egg) You can fly!  Try flapping your wings like this!

Baby Bird Number One:  I'm not going anywhere, and there are weird things falling off of my wings.

Feather settles on plant, and lets other leaves grow on it.

Feather Scenario Number Three
Bird:  Kaw, kaw.  I just need a minute to rest.  That field looks lovely.  I'll stay far away from those very hard working men over there.

Fox:  Mmmmmm.  A bird just landed.

Bird:  Kaw, kaw, kaw.  What a cool, refreshing place to rest.

Fox:  Oh little bird, what's that?  (Pointing up)

Bird:  (Looks up) I don't see anything, Mr. Fox, what do you see?

Fox lunges at the bird, the bird flies away, and feathers are left behind.  A feather settles on a plant, and let's other leaves grow on it.

Feather Scenario Number Four
Bird:  Kaw *cough* Kaw *cough* Kaw *cough cough*  I don't feel so well.

Other bird:  Maybe you have the flu

Bird:  Nah.  *cough cough*  I just need a minute to rest.

Other bird:  Where are you going to rest?

Bird:  *cough* Those green, leafy plants look soft.  Maybe *cough* I'll just lay there and cough out all my germs.

Other bird:  Good idea.  No one will know you're sick if you just rest there a minute.

Bird:  *cough*  Oops.  I wish I had a tissue.  I just left mucus on that leaf.  Oh well.  Only birds eat this, right?

Other bird:  You dropped a feather.

Bird:  *cough* Oh well.  No one will catch my flu from one feather, right?

Other bird:  You look like you're dying.

 (Yes, I know that I am neurotic.  That's all part of my charm, right?  Right?)

1 comment:

  1. "Big Farm" had some experiments get away - since people are trying to be healthly and eat salads with a little chicken thrown in for protein, the aim was to kill two birds with one stone and genetically engineer a mix of chicken genes and lettuce genes. They hoped to get chickens with lettuce instead of feathers - they ended up with heads of lettuce with a few feathers and beaks thrown in. You found "one that got away"!



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