Friday, December 30, 2011

My New Year's Resolutions

It's the end of the year and most people make resolutions for the new year to come. Do they stick with them? Not typically. I've considered changes I could make to a new year, but it's always so boring. It's always the same thing. It's always something unattainable. So today, I, Non-Mommy, resolve to accomplish the following tasks in the year 2012:

I resolve to wash my car more than twice a year. So what if it's a waste of money, water, and the car will only stay clean for a few moments? Take pride in your ride, Non-Mommy!

I resolve to consider online dating. Consider. And people (MOM! SISTER!) that nag me about it will only firm my resolution to consider it, and not do it!

I resolve to get my nephew to really and truly try a piece of meat. This is going to be difficult. He's a tough nut to crack.

I resolve to try and slip "That's what she said" into at least one conversation a day.

And finally, I resolve to not give up on the dream of getting together with Anderson Cooper. He's sweet, he's funny, he's intelligent, and he's...oh...where's a good synonym for "happy" when you need one?

Hey. There is always hope.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Sugar Daddy Needed

I really, really don't want to work.  I'm enjoying not working.  Where's the rich guy who is going to provide enough for me to be able to live on a desert island (sunburn free, of course!), adopt children from all over the planet, take us on fabulous trips regularly, and provide for all my needs?

I don't think I'm asking too much!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Death by Ladle

This school year has been quite a challenge for me. I've moved schools and grade levels. I'm teaching a much younger age group than I am accustomed to, and that has come with its pros and cons.

Pros include very affectionate children that are extremely enthusiastic and appreciate the tiniest things.

Cons include tattling, tattling, lack of independence, and tattling.

Being in a building with teeny, tiny children has been a lot of fun.  Every morning I stand in the hallway and watch the teeny little children in their puffy coats, hat and mittens.  They don't even know me, but that doesn't stop them from telling me all kinds of details.  I feel like a goddess when I walk down the hallway.  Little adorable children come up and fling their arms around me saying random things like "I love you!"  "You're my brother's after school bus holding area!"  "Today is my teacher's birthday!"  "I ate cereal for breakfast!"  It doesn't matter if they don't know me, or I don't know them.

Back in my classroom, my students are taller than these kids, but their enthusiasm is equally high.  The week before winter break means that my students are at MAXIMUM ENTHUSIASM!!!!!!!!  They speak a mile a minute, they fight, and they come in on a sugar high before school even begins.  And let's be honest.  I'm tired and less than patient.  Not a good combo.

On the last day of school, we were going to do hot chocolate in our classroom.  I'm ten miles from the nearest water source, and have two outlets in my classroom, so planning was of the essence.  I filled a Crock Pot with water, carried it the ten miles back to my room, and plugged it in to make sure it was warm on time.  Our grade level was showing "The Polar Express" and was going to have hot chocolate
after the movie.  As it turns out, very few of the teachers got the supplies they needed, or the movie, so I ended up with several classes in my classroom.  It was packed, and my room smelled like stinky feet.  A little trouble maker from another class was seated near my Crock Pot and I basically told him with my eyes that anything that would happen to the Crock Pot would mean eternal torture.

The movie ended, everyone left the room, and I went to prepare the hot chocolate only to find...


I had cold water.  Miles from a water source, no way to heat up water.

I seriously thought I was going to beat the kid with my ladle.

All day long, the kids were wild.  This was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Ms. Non-Mommy was NO LONGER HAVING FUN.

So what that the kids were excited about hot chocolate?

So what that they didn't know that I was planning to load the cups with huge globs of whipped cream?

So what that they didn't know that I was going to put sprinkles and a candy cane in the hot chocolate?

All the fun was sucked out.  All I wanted to do was go home and rock in the corner, sucking my thumb.

I felt like Kate Gosselin.  You know what I mean.  Kate "We're going to have fun and make memories, damn it!!!!!!!" Gosselin.  Kate "I make everyone miserable" Gosselin.

I mechanically made the kids large, sweet hot chocolates.  I was grumbling in my head.  I just wanted the day to be over.  Why do I bother trying to make my classroom homey?  Why do I bother to do fun things that the other teachers don't even do?  Why do I put myself through the trouble?  No one even appreciates it.

And then, a sweet, sweet child said something that jerked me right out of my pity party.  This child is a very angry child due to sad life circumstances.  Everything in his life has changed in the last 6 months, and he's been fighting it every step.  He's always so unhappy.

I gave him his hot chocolate.  He smiled and said

"This is the best day ever.  I feel so cozy and special."

Cozy and special.

In two words, that child summarized the reason I go to school every day.  It isn't unnoticed.  And from that child, it's high praise indeed.  Of all the children in the world, this child needs to feel cozy and special.

With a little pep in my step, and a second wind, I went around and squirted a blob of whipped cream in each child's mouth.  And they loved it.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Damon Claus for a Cause

Matt Damon is kind of funny! This is a good cause, and the video is enjoyable as well. Not as funny as another totally not bloggable video Matt Damon made with Sarah Silverman (family blog, folks!), but still funny.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Supermarket Sweep

I miss this show. It gave me a whole new understanding of money value. I remember my sister and I shouting at people to go get the expensive hams!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Hairy Situation

I generally try to stay out of politics. The less I know the better. I know, I know. Not patriotic of me. But it keeps my blood pressure low and also keeps me from ranting about the fact that, apparently, no one reads the freaking constitution!!!

Anyway, there is one thing that I am willing to discuss in relation to politics.  And that, my friends, is the beast that we call Hillary Clinton's hair.  Seriously.  You know, you can say and do all that you want in the public eye, but image talks.  And Hillary's hair has PUH-LENTY to say.  Let's lean in and listen to its messages...

The above look says: "I am president of the Future Homemakers of America!  Would you like a biscuit?"

The above look says:  "My armpit hair is just as long.  And, hey, birds of a feather flock together!"

The above look says: "Would you like my recipe for making scrambled eggs in the microwave?  And by the way, these pants are HAWT."

The above look says: "Kids, we're gonna have to eat this cake by ourselves.  Uncle Joey didn't make parole again."  Name that movie.

 The above look says:  "My pants go up to my boobs!"

The left look says: "I will cut you."  The right look says: "I'm trying to channel my inner Martha Stewart."

The above look says "Power.  Femininity.  Patriotism.  I finally got someone to decently do my hair."

The above look says "I like to spend 18 hours a day writing curriculum for teachers that no one will use, but oh well!"

The above look says:  "It's time to wash my face, put on my most comfy pajamas and curl up on the couch with a glass of wine."

The above look says "Hoke?  Where are my papers?  My papers.  I had them all corrected last night and I put them in the front so I wouldn’t forget them on my way to school. What did you do with them? The children will be so disappointed if I don’t give them their homework back."  Name that movie.

This look says:  "Did you remember to put more wiper fluid out at pump ten?  Did you restock the coolers with Red Bull?"

Yes, Hill, your hair is talking.  Is this really what you are trying to say?


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