Saturday, July 31, 2010

Single Sundays

I feel very fortunate to have been brought up in a Christian home, and have attended church my entire life (with a few peaks and valleys there, but consistently nonetheless).  I am very sure of my faith and am comfortable with the church community.

I must admit, however, that being single and attending church is really hard!  It's hard for me for a variety of reasons.

1.  I associate church as a family activity.  This means that I feel kind of lonely going to church alone, even if I am going to meet friends there!

2.  I feel like I have a giant "I am a single loser!" tattooed on my forehead.  I know that I don't, and I know that it shouldn't matter, but I feel like everyone is looking at me like "Aww, poor single gal!  Wonder what is wrong with her that she is still single?"  Come on, admit it, you've thought it about people!

3.  Given this irrational feeling, walking into church every Sunday feels like such a hard, difficult walk.  And I've been single a long time, so when am I going to get over this?!

4.  I sit in church and look around, watching couples all snuggly.  I watch all the families.  And then I get jealous.  I repeat, jealous.  In church, nonetheless!  It's a wonder I'm not struck with lightning on the spot.

5.  My attempts at finding other single Christians out there have been less than stellar.  I've gone to singles groups.  My findings are that they are filled with 19 year olds who are SO STOKED ABOUT LIFE!  AND COLLEGE!!  RAH RAH!  Or, 40 year old divorced people.  I don't have a problem with either group, but I have nothing in common with them!  I have to bite my tongue to not say something snarky to the college group, and not get all depressed listening to the divorced group talking about custody issues. when at this rate I'd just be happy to get a date! 

Or, there was the time I asked in a church about a singles group and they asked me if I'd like to start one.

Or, there was the time that I attempted to join a singles Life Group, only to be told that at the next semester, they would start coed groups, but for now, they are separating them by gender.  So, I joined an all female group.  Now, church is not a meat market, but you know, I work in a basically all female environment, so I wasn't super enthused about that.  I patiently waited for the next semester, put on a pretty outfit, and went to join a Life Group to discover that the groups were STILL gender separated!  Well, now what?!  I got up the nerve to ask about this, trying desperately to not sound, well...desperate.  They told me that they'd had so many problems with coed groups fighting, and also with perverts from the community showing up to the groups and targetting women, that they disbanded the whole coed concept.  The sad part is, this is not the only church I've heard having this problem.

So, my choices are to hope I meet some like minded person in a bar, when I am not a bar kind of person, or to hope that someone setting me up will work (when trust me, BEEN THERE, done that, not doing it again!), or hope that somehow single men my age will suddenly flood the educational world, or go to the divorced group and pretend I have a child that is conveniently never in my physical custody and complain about my imaginary ex (I wonder if I named him "George Glass" if anyone would get the Brady Bunch joke?).  Or, just pluck up the courage to take the "Walk of Death" from the parking lot into the church every Sunday and keep on keeping on.

Sometimes it's not easy being single!

Friday, July 30, 2010

Why I Dislike Weddings

 In part two of Why My Middle Name is Sucker:  A Charming Tale of the Things I Do for People I Don't Even Like we go from the lame bachelorette party I got suckered into to the WONDERFUL! (barf) BEAUTIFUL (barf!) STUNNING (barf!) wedding.

First of all, the wedding was lame.  Really, really lame.  There was hardly anyone there.  I was glad I went because of that, but at the same time, clearly everyone else in this girl's life has figured out what I'm slow to get to - no one wants to be with her!  It was your typical, loser wedding.  They played way too much music, the bridesmaids looked kind of ill fitted in the dresses she selected for them, and the bride came down in all her radioactive skin glory.  Seriously, her orange skin looked positively radiant against the white brightness of her wedding dress.

I would like to add that when we went for the dress fitting, it was suggested (ahem) have the dressed altered because it was too long.  Nope.  Guess who looked like she was walking in quicksand down the aisle?  Yep.  Seems that some people may have known what they were talking about after all!

Anyway, as the wedding was over, we all filed outside to wait for the bride.  As I gave the bride a hug, she whispered into my ear "The single guy is here."  THE single guy.  THE.  And no offense to the bride (well, ok, some offense) but I don't want to be with anyone that she thinks would be good for me.  To get out of the chapel you had to go down these super tall, steep steps. As I was one of the first rows to be dismissed from the chapel, I got to see everyone walk down the steps.  This girl came out (she will be part of the story later) and she was wearing the SHORTEST SKIRT I have ever seen.  Like, "Oh look, there's her butt crack" kind of short.  But then, figure in the angle in which I was looking up, and the wind, and let's just say that I'm a lot more intimately acquainted with her than she realizes.

The ceremony is over, so we head to the hotel for the reception.  We get to the reception at 5:00.  Evidently, the dumb bride wasn't supposed to have anyone come until 6:30.  SHE didn't even show up until 6:30.  So we sat, for an hour and a half, with no drinks and no food.  It was so boring.  There was no seating arrangement, and no one knew what to do.  I went with my friend and her husband (I love being the third wheel) and we sat with some really nice people, but they didn't have much to say.  It was awkward.

The bridal party finally graced us with their presence, and we could finally eat.  It was so quiet in the reception.  There were lots of empty tables.  People weren't talking much.  It was uncomfortable.  It also felt like a fake wedding, like the bride and groom knew they were supposed to do things, but then weren't really into it.  I was making lots of helpful comments like "When I get married, I'm going to do this.  At my wedding, it's not going to be like this."  I've pretty much decided to get married somewhere else so I don't have to bother much with inviting lots of people, or having a big party.  They can do whatever they want.  They can eat whatever they want.  They can drink whatever they want.  I'll be long gone on a steamy honeymoon with my husband!

 So we're going along in this supremely awkward reception, when word gets back to me about Short Skirt Girl.  It seems that Short Skirt Girl is an ice skater.  She seriously could break me in two with her legs.  She was tan, tall, and gorgeous.  And guess what?  One of two single ladies there.  The other one being ME.  But what do I care, right?  I was a little stressed about the whole "toss the bouquet" thing but the bride acted like she wasn't going to do it.  I was sitting at the table, minding my own business, when the DJ turned on a new song.  I knew what the song was from the first two notes.  It was "Single Ladies" by Beyonce.  Upon hearing those two notes, I knew what was coming.  I believe my reaction involved a few bad words, and the decision that I needed to go to the restroom, NOW.  As I bolted out the door, I heard the DJ call up all the single ladies to catch the bouquet.  When he said that, I heard the bride yell my name.  Call me a wuss if you must.  But it is humiliating enough to be forced to the front to catch the stupid bouquet.  But then, the TWO people up there were Hot Ice Skater Short Skirt Girl with the killer legs,, in my pushup bra.  And did I mention that I can't catch to save my life?  I'm a total spaz.  So, I had a near miss.  I don't think my fragile self-esteem could have taken a wrestle with that ice skater for the bouquet.  I did make it back in time to see THE single guy catch the garter.  I think I am glad we weren't introduced.

The rest of the reception was uneventful.  It was a loser wedding, as I thought it would be.  And now, my conscience can rest easily knowing that I am no longer obligated to do anything out of pity for this girl!  If I told you some of the things she did, you'd be like "Why were you still even being nice to her?"  It's a curse.  I don't say no very well.

Then, on my way home, my dad, who was in the hospital at the time, called me and said "Do you want to come over and stay with me a while?"  I was already really far from the hospital, and it was really late.  I didn't go.  And I permanently cemented my place in the "Horrible Daughter Hall of Fame."  But hey.  I got to wear a push up bra.

Monday, July 26, 2010

A real mom wouldn't have done this!

I've been taking care of my nephew, the Former Baby, quite a bit this summer.  He's a lot of fun!  I have especially enjoyed introducing him to the swimming pool and the wonderful world of swimming!  Swimming is so fun, and the Former Baby loves to go.  He's made a lot of great progress!  Today after he woke from his nap, we began to prepare for our daily trip to the pool.

So, being the stellar aunt that I am, I was totally oblivious to the weather.  I got Former Baby all ready for the pool.  We went in the garage, I sprayed that horrible, gross feeling sunblock all over him, and then...I hear it.  Thunder.  I go outside and look and sure enough, there's a storm.  It's not here yet, but it's coming.  I stand there and debate with myself.  Do I walk to the pool only to discover that it is closed and piss off the Former Baby by showing him the pool but not letting him in the water?  Do I take him to the pool, get in the water, and then deal with a screaming baby when we have to get back out of the water?  Or do we just not go to the pool?  Meanwhile, while I'm looking at the sky, the Former Baby has crawled into the stroller.  He's READY TO GO!!! 

Now, I have to go be the bad guy.  I try to explain the situation to him, but he's two.  He doesn't get it.  And he has giant, sad tears streaming down his face.  So...we improvised.  I filled the tub with cool water, he insisted on wearing his life jacket, and we're "swimming" until we have to get out of the tub because of the weather.

 Clearly I have a lot to learn!  A non-mommy at her finest.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Giving Up the Dream


I have decided that...


It's a hard decision, but...

I think I am giving up my dreams of being an Olympic ice skater.

I know.  I know.  It's crushing.  I don't know how I'll ever get over the disappointment.  I've always wanted to be a graceful, beautiful princess skimming across the ice, leaping into the air and gracefully landing back to the cheers of the world as they marvel my incredible talent.  But recently, I got schooled.  Wait, is it more effective if I say "skooled?"  Anyway, I got schooled/skooled by some majorly incredible Asian kids who seriously are going to the Olympics.  They are like 8 years old, and wearing all these fancy jackets to show off their mad skillz (and patches from various skating competitions) while they do a triple sauchau (I don't even know how to spell it, that's how badly I need to give it up!) while I am wearing clothing that is clearly NOT ice skating appropriate.

I also spent an extended amount of time doing this:

I realized, after this experience, that I'm not a young spring chick anymore, and a significant amount of time bent over, holding onto the E-Z Skater, kills your back.  And also, apparently, ice skating brings out my crazy eyes.  And PS, Ann Taylor shirts are maybe not clingy enough to not reveal my less than stellar cleavage.  Patrons of the Escondido Iceoplex, I apologize that I wasn't able to cover up my shirt a little more.  If I let go, the child would fall!  And that I was chomping on gum like white trash.

I was only able to stop holding onto this E-Z Skater when I finally convinced Mowhawk Boy that if he went "Chop Chop Chop" with his skates, he could, in fact, skate on his own without my help.  Soon he was zipping all over the rink, I was resting my back by skating in a vertical position, and he suddenly became a skating expert.  He kept yelling at me that I need to watch his feet.  WATCH HIS FEET.  He would show me how to stop.  WATCH HIS FEET!!!  Of course, his stopping technique was to hold onto the E-Z Skater, fling himself on the ground, and let the people behind him crash into him.  I bit my tongue to retort that I do know how to skate, thankyouverymuch!!!!

Yes, friends, I realize that I can never be a professional ice skater if I gain a lot of weight in one year, chew gum while skating, have a sore back from bending over, am jealous of small Asian skaters, and take skating tips from a four year old.  It's a sad, sad day.

I never looked good in a leotard with sequins, anyway.

I need some ibuprofen.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

A serious perk to non-mommyhood

Allow me to take a moment from my usual comedic genius to talk about something more serious.  I want children.  I want children terribly.  I never in a million years dreamed that I'd be at this point in my life, still unattached and with no family.  It's been very difficult for me to accept.  There are, however, perks to singlehood.  The obvious ones are things like sleeping in, ease around the house, etc.  What I want to take a moment to talk about, though, is how my singleness affects my relationships with others.

As a single woman, I have more time to spend with others.  This can be a positive and a negative.  It can be frustrating for me that I have time and inclination to do activities, but all of my friends are unable to do things because they have families to tend to.  I've been so fortunate to have open time to spend with my sister and my parents.  This has been such a wonderful perk about being single.  I'm able to spend quality time with my parents.  Recently, my father passed away.  I treasure every moment I've had with them both, and am so grateful I had fewer obligations to take me away from time with them.  Since becoming an adult, my sister and I have become more than sisters - we're truly friends.  Her schedule may be limited since becoming a mother, but mine is not.  This means that I have time to play and relax in her home and be a bigger part of her daily life than I would be if I had a family.  These relationships are so very important to me.

In honor of where I am at this moment, I'd like to talk about one person I am very thankful for, and thankful that I have the time to spend with her.

Six years ago, my younger sister was getting married.  I had a very hard time with this.  It was hard for me to watch my younger sister doing something that I so desperately wanted, and the irrational side of me felt like a loser because I should have been the first to get married.  As the wedding approached, relatives came from near and far to visit.  My aunt and her stepdaughter decided to come to the wedding.  I knew her stepdaughter.  We'd been together on several occasions, and always got along well.  I hadn't spent a tremendous amount of time with her, but I knew I enjoyed her company.  Suddenly, at a wedding I was feeling slightly blue about, my cousin swooped in and saved the day!  She was hilarious and funny!  She kept things perky.  We slept in a teeny, tiny bedroom (she in a twin bed, I on an air mattress) and we stayed up a long time, laughing and talking.

After that, a new relationship was born.  She was no longer my aunt's stepdaughter, but it was clear that she was her daughter in every sense.  She was no longer "just" my cousin, she was my good friend.  We continued to talk and spend time together.  Because I have no familial obligations, I was able to travel to see her and my family members each summer.  This time has meant SO much to me over the years!  She married an incredible man who I adore, and then had two children who I fell head over heels in love with.  I count down the months and days until I can be together with my cousin and her family.  Although they live far away, they mean the world to me.

I trust my cousin as much as I trust my sister.  She is one of the strongest, most generous people I know.  I can always count on her to have a listening ear and wise words.  She truly makes me work harder to be a better person, and I can't imagine my life without her.

My father recently passed away and I was devastated.  I remember calling my cousin to tell her, and she was crying on the phone.  She wasn't crying because she liked my dad (which she did), she was crying because she didn't want me to hurt and she loved me.  At a time where everyone was trying to be strong for me, or felt uncomfortable and unsure what to say, she cried with me.  She told me she'd be there soon.  When she came, I couldn't think clearly.  She took me to a store, picked out clothes for me to wear at one of the worst moments of my life, and she took care of me.  Once, when the house was overflowing with people and I was feeling overwhelmed, I went to lay down on the bed to get away from everyone.  My cousin came back and found me.  She laid on the bed with me and we ate chocolate covered edamame and just visited.  It felt so warm, peaceful and comforting at a time where everything was swirling around me.  I will always treasure that time with her.

These are moments that people who have children can have, but it is harder and more complicated with them.  I'm so very grateful that for the past 12+ years I have been able to go to my cousin's house for an extended amount of time and just spend time with her and her children.  That can, and will, still happen when I have a family, but I know it will be different.  My lack of attachment has helped me form some deep, deep bonds with those most important to me and I will forever be grateful for that.

As I type this, I lay on her daughter's bed, sad that soon I will have to leave.  I feel so comfortable in her home.  I love that when I'm at her house, two snuggly kids will crawl in my lap, or that I can just go in her kitchen and get a snack.  It's been a rough year and I haven't been my normal self, but she hasn't given up on me.  I love that I have the time to spend with my cousin and her incredible family.  I can never repay her for all she has done for me.

M, thanks for being there for me when I needed it the most.

(OK, that last picture is a joke.  I can't stand Doperah or Gail.  But SOME people like her!)

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Cocoon Revisited: The Continuing Saga

Cocoon:  Part 1

Given my love of the geriatric crowd *ahem*, you would think that I would be finished with the senior trips forever. However, in the interest of spending quality time with my grandmother and doing activities with her that she finds meaningful, I recently found myself attending yet another fun filled senior citizen day trip!

The day started when we met the senior group at their church.  A group of teeny, tiny old folks were huddled under an umbrella, chatting and waiting for the little bus to arrive.  Immediately, one tiny woman caught my eye.  She was very, very small.  She could easily wear child clothing and shoes, and I doubt she even weighed 80 pounds.  But that was not what caught my eye.  This dear woman, who I will call Martha, looked exactly like this:

[Insert the "Psycho" music here.]

Change the hair, and you know exactly, EXACTLY what Martha looked like.  She'd clearly had a poor nose job and her lips were spread too thinly.  She was like a car accident.  I couldn't look away, even when I wanted to.  Frankly, Martha scared me!

We got on the tiny bus and the driver came down the aisle to ensure that we were all buckled in.  I was introduced to the crowd and then had to hear stories from them all about when they were in school.  Old people love to tell me teacher stories.  There was a group of women who continued talking when the group leader was trying to address all the bus riders (they probably couldn't hear her) and one of the old women got mad and yelled "HUSH!" at them.  I knew it was going to be a good day.

Finally, we were off!  To the local historical society we were headed!  At the historical society we were greeted by a woman dressed in clothing from the late 1800's.  She took her job very seriously, even when the group of loud talking old ladies didn't listen to a word she said.  We toured some gardens in a local park but the mood was ruined by a group of women working out together blasting "Burn, baby burn" on their radio over and over.  Not only was it distracting, I kept wondering why they didn't play the entire song?   We also were interrupted by a homeless man searching for cans.  Yes, this definitely helped me visualize what life was like in the late 1800's.  Sure.

Being a foot taller than everyone else, I tried to remain at the back of the group so the shorties could see.  I was also slightly embarrassed at my grandmother who kept worming her way to the front of the group and then wildly waving her arms shouting "Non-Mommy!  Come up here!"  But the entire trip was ruined for me when I'd glance over and accidentally see Martha.

She scared me!  Every time I looked at her I had to stifle the urge to yell "Run!  Save yourselves!" at the children playing in the park.  I had to remind myself that she was just a scary little 80+ year old and not REALLY Michael Jackson.

We went inside a barn for the next part of the tour.  Wow.  A barn.  I was underwhelmed at best.  They also were very excited to see that the local plaster chicken from a fried chicken restaurant was safely housed in this barn.  Are you kidding me?  Excited about a dumb plaster chicken?  We then took a tour of a house and were ushered to the dining room for a delightful tea.

The tea is when this trip got REALLY interesting.  My grandmother and I were seated with four others at a table.  One was a man who really couldn't hear, one was a 90 year old who was a cracker jack (I would have sworn she was late 70's), one was a very athletic and funny woman, and then...then there was Dorothy.  Dorothy was supremely, profoundly deaf.  She can't use sign language and she can't read lips.  She communicates by having people write to her on a notepad.  Unfortunately for me, there were two problems:  1) Dorothy didn't have her notepad and 2) she was sitting directly next to me.

The waitress came with two tea choices.  She asked Dorothy what she wanted and Dorothy shouted "I can't hear a word you say!"  Dorothy then looked at me for help.  I yelled "Do you want Earl Grey?"  She still didn't understand, so I mouthed emphatically "EARL GREY!"

"I still can't hear a word you say!"

"Just give her Earl Grey!" I snapped.

Next, the waitress brought out cucumber sandwiches.  I can't STAND cucumber.  I was destined for a hungry day.  When she brought out those sandwiches, I just had a gut feeling that dessert would involve my arch nemesis, strawberries.  But first, we received two mini quiches.  You know, those tiny little quiches you can buy at Costco or Sam's Club.  They are the size of a Reese's peanut butter cup.  The old people, who appear to be able to survive on minimal food, were thrilled.  What a great lunch!  I, on the other hand, could feel my body eating its own muscle and fat in order to survive the hunger strike.

Throughout the lunch, Dorothy would tap me on the shoulder and shout "I can't hear a word you say!"  Good thing she couldn't read my lips, or my mind.  It wouldn't have been pretty.  She would periodically tap me on the shoulder and make conversation that I was unable to respond to.  She must have told me 50 times that she never knew those little tongs were for sugar cubes.  She thought they were for olives.  I would just smile and try to respond "I can't hear a word you say!"  

My favorite part of the lunch was when the people at the table literally ripped their hearing aids out of their ears and discussed the benefits of their particular hearing device.  At this point, I'd rather be sitting with scary Martha.

Finally, FINALLY our hostess brought out dessert.  Strawberries.  I just knew it.  All foods I can't stand.  I was getting weak with hunger and was about to bite off Dorothy's finger the next time she tapped me.  The old people were thrilled.  What a filling lunch!

How do they survive?  I mean really?  They are full on 1/4 of a cucumber sandwich, two mini quiches and some strawberries?

We got back on the bus and Dorothy sits behind me.  She won't leave me alone because now I am apparently her BFF.  Probably because I smiled at her and didn't yell at her "Shut up, old lady!"  I was getting car sick, but my green pallor didn't seem to stop the tapping.  She told me things like "Oh look, a two headed dog!"  or "Aren't you glad we didn't fly on this trip?"  and my favorite "I can't believe I didn't know that those tongs were for sugar cubes!"

I nearly wet my pants when I had to say goodbye to Martha:

I haven't slept since.  Between Martha, Dorothy and all the old people, it was a rough, rough day.

The things I do for my grandmother.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Bachelorette Party

 As the only single woman on the planet (I kid - there are at least two of us out there), I have a lot of experience attending weddings and baby showers.  In fact, today it dawned on me that due to recent events, I think I am the only woman I can think of who doesn't have any children.  Working in an all female environment with few to no chances to meet any men makes the romance department a little dreary for this non-mommy.

There are a few good things about being single and having to spend my future children's inheritance buying Crock Pots, lingerie, diapers, towels and onesies.  Thanks to all the time I've spent at parties and weddings, I know exactly what I will be doing at my own big event(s)!  I will explain it to you at the exciting conclusion of this series I like to call:

Why My Middle Name is Sucker: A Charming Tale of the Things I Do for People I Don't Even Like

Today, we'll begin with part 1:  the bachelorette party

The last time I had to go to one of these fun events (note the sarcasm) was for a girl that I didn't really know very well, or care for particularly.  I was sucked into this stupid bachelorette thing because this girl I spinned (cycle) with has no friends, apparently.  She wanted to go shopping and stay in a hotel in a nicer shopping district for her bachelorette party - in the middle of the winter.  Everyone else remotely tied to this girl backed out of the party.  No one gave her a shower.  So, it ended up being three of us (two who do not know this girl well and are not in the bridal party, and one who knew her well and didn't want to go) plus the bride.  Woo.  Par-tay.  I really didn't want to go at all.  At ALL.  Plus, it was going to be freaking freezing and I'm kind of a wimp.  But, I put on a shirt and a giant sweater on top of it, sucked it up, and went.  Oh yeah, but I didn't want to take my gigantic heavy coat because it's not as cute, so I wore the much more fashionable, but not warm, Ann Taylor coat and froze even more.  Whatever.

So we went to this shopping area and decided to go to lunch first. We went to the Cheesecake Factory, where we were seated DIRECTLY by the former governor who had just left the office.  Now, if you know me at all, you know that I might sort of have a little celebrity problem.   I honestly don't know why - maybe my mother dropped me on my head a bit when I was born.  I don't know.  At a church I used to attend, a local weatherman was the drummer. Even after almost 3 years, I still got a little bit squeally inside when I saw the man, and he's a weather man on a local station! And I kind of, sort of, got a little bit excited once when I saw a recent Survivor contestant at a local Wal-Mart.

So anyway, we get to this restaurant and they seat us in one of those corner booths.  BUT I got the worst spot!  I couldn't see crap, and I was the only one who cared if I saw the stupid former governor or not (who, by the way, I didn't even like and he really screwed up some education crap - but apparently, the idiot part of my brain doesn't really distinguish for that).   I tried to see him, but it required me to poke my head around a wall, therefore making myself look like an idiot.   My friends were laughing so much at me - I was eavesdropping like crazy.  I even tried to get "buddy buddy" with his son (who is like four) who kept poking his head into my booth.  It didn't get me anywhere.  I can report that he was very affectionate to his wife, so the rumors I heard about him being gay and leaving office as a result did not look so true.

When we ate dinner, our waiter told us that he served Bon Jovi recently. Just the thought made me a little woozy.

We then went shopping.  Did I mention that it was very cold, and very windy?  So much for doing my hair.  She wanted to go lingerie shopping, so we went.  Actually, she wanted to go to Victoria's Secret, and we went there.   I haven't been shopping in a VS in quite a while, because the one closest to me seems to be overrun with people I know, and I'm not sure that I want everyone and their uncle watching me underwear shop.  Apparently, Victoria's "secret" is that she really doesn't have much in her store.  There wasn't much in the way of honeymoon attire.  And this girl pretty much likes the opposite of whatever we all liked.

Did you know that if you try to take a picture of yourself, NOT in any underwear, sitting outside of the dressing room while a dumb soon to be bride tries on lots of strappy things, that the employees at Victoria's Secret will yell at you and insist you delete the picture?  Did you know that I still have the picture, of which there is in NO way underwear involved, and that I want to email it to them and say "HA HA?"

OK, so now it's midafternoon.  The girl wants to go for drinks.   At like 2:30!  Ug.  So we go some place, and three of the four of us had something, and one of us (me) did not.  Hey, I'm on a budget, I don't need the extra calories, I don't like the girl, and it's 2:30 in the afternoon!!  But it was nice to thaw out.

We went back out into the freezing Arctic, and guess where we went next?  That's right, THE APPLE STORE.  I sure did!  I was hoping to hide behind a shiny iMac and let the other girls go shopping, but I wasn't able to find a good hiding spot.  That store was packed with geeks.  Total geeks.  At first the other three girls were really just being nice and letting me go in there, but then...they discovered the iPhone section.  We all played with iPhones for a ridiculously long amount of time.  I really wish I had one.  And, did you know that in the Apple store, they will let you call people for free on their iPhones? They will!

We went to all kinds of places, and we even had to go BACK to Victoria's Secret AGAIN.  Snore.  On a sidenote, I hate the idea of people trying that crap on, and then ME wearing it.   Eww.

After a very long afternoon of shopping, we went back to the hotel we stayed at. The hotel drove us around for free, all day.   It was really nice.  And then, they have a complimentary bar.  Each person gets tickets for two free drinks.  People were giving us drink tickets for free like crazy because the silly bride was wearing a veil.  Everyone there was drinking a ton.   I did not.  I wasn't having a good time.  I was doing OK, but then this guy came over and was hitting on me because I was THE only one not wearing a wedding ring and he started singing Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and THEN someone at the table next door puked on the floor, right next to me.

It was not a good time for me.

Can someone tell me the appeal of these things?

What really gets me is that I did this to be kind, because this girl had no one.   I spent a LOT of money. I spent my weekend off with her.  She never once said thank you.  No thank you for the gift I got her. No thank you for the weekend events.  Nothing.   I'm still irritated, to be honest.   I don't do things to be thanked, truly.  But it's just rude.  No wonder this girl has no one.  She does have a terrible family, I do know that.  And she is terribly immature.  BUT I would have liked her to be a little more courteous.

I have learned my lesson about saying no.  This time.   Remind me that I learned that lesson the next time I can't say no.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment.  Thrills!  Spills!  Orange Thongs!  More Beyonce Songs!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Never Fails to Cheer Me Up

This is possibly the greatest thing, ever. I've watched it about a million times. It never fails to cheer me up.

I don't know why I get sucked in, but by number 17, I'm in. Maybe it's because I dance like him, only worse? Or because he found 100 locations to do this? Or because I want to go to Yale? Or because he wears the same pants the whole time?

BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

I dunno. But I'm hooked.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

10 Reasons I Love Being Single

1.   I don't have to share a bed or listen to anyone snore!

2.  I don't have to share a bathroom

3.  I don't have in-laws!!! (I hear an awful lot about this from married people.)

4.  I don't balance my checkbook and I don't have to, because I'm the only one taking money out.  (I dread having to really be financially responsible someday.)

5.  When the dishes pile up, oh well!!

6.  I can hog the phone all I want.

7.  I can easily go places without having to worry about someone else's schedule.

8.  I can eat cereal all the time!

9.  I can go on really, really good dates with guys who like to brag about their car and how fast they can drive (note the sarcasm).

10.  I can't think of another reason.

Oh who am I kidding, these are all shallow reasons. I am getting tired of it!


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