Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Repost: Christmas Rules According to Non-Mommy

The Christmas season is approaching and I already see people preparing for the holidays.  As you consider what you listen to, what you eat, and how you decorate for Christmas, I hope you will keep in mind the following rules in regards to Christmas: 

1.  Harry Potter is not a Christmas movie.  Containing a Christmas scene does not a Christmas movie make.

2.  LED lights are of the devil.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, one bulb going out doesn't knock out the whole strand, and you can plug in 43 strands at once, and they are way more energy efficient, blah, blah, blah.  They just are so...cold.  Flouresent.  Unappealing.  I can't handle the light!  It's so uncozy.  Some day when I die, they are going to make an episode of "Hoarders" (sickly fascinating show, by the way) about me.  Instead of finding me taped to my bedside toilet so I don't fall into the garbage and dead cats around me, they are going to find my home packed to the ceiling with boxes of REAL Christmas lights and REAL lightbulbs.

3.  Never, ever, ever, EVER mix regular lights with LED lights.  LED lights are bad enough, but the two lights should NOT be mixed!

4.  Inflatables.  They are not my favorite, but you should never do a yard full.  And don't even GET me started on how it looks during the day with them deflated all over the yard.  I have to stifle the urge to yell "The carnage!  THE CHRISTMAS CARNAGE!"

5.  The following song should never be played at Christmas time (or ever, although this video is so ridiculous it's almost funny):

6.  Don't put red or green bulbs in your outdoor light fixtures.  The first thing I think is "drug deal."

7.  Don't ever, ever make a dessert that LOOKS like those Oreo balls (hehe) but really make stupid CREAM PUFFS.  I hate cream, and that was a most unpleasant, gagging surprise.  And yes, the sexual overtones in this rule are not lost on me.  I wasn't intending that, truly.

8.  This song should be put to rest permanently as well:

I realize it makes a lot of people cry, and feel very sentimental, but...call me Scrooge if you must.  I want to blow my brains out when I hear this song.

9.  Instead of watching music videos that make you want to hurl, you should instead watch CLASSICS like this one!

10.  Send Christmas cards.  Don't resist.  Getting real mail is such a rare treat these days.  It's totally worth the cost.

I have other nuggets of wisdom, but I'll leave you with 10!  I know that some of you will consider this a little premature, but you can't plan ahead enough when considering these important Christmas rules!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Vampires for Planned Vampirehood

I have two friends that force me to go to movies against my will.  Both of these girls are tremendous friends to me.  Between the three of us, we've been through broken bones, broken engagements, weddings, sick family members, births, job changes, and deaths in the family.  So because I love them, I go.  It's a tradition.  But since they make me go to movies about vampires and werewolves, I don't go without a fight!

I read the books and I HATED THEM.  This is not a popular opinion, I know, but I thought the Twilight series was extremely poorly written.  In both the books and the movies, I have a few fundamental problems with some major story elements.  Let's dissect the problems, shall we?

Let's start with Bella, the most obnoxious character ever.

Bella, Bella, Bella.  She's so whiney!  I mean really, Edward, that is who you've been waiting for all eternity for?  Come on!  There are much more pleasant girls out there for you to pick.  Also, Edward, perhaps you can't hear her thoughts because there are none there.  I'm just saying.

And then, to add fuel to the fire, they pick Kristen Stewart to be Bella in the movies!  Seriously?  Is this actress a) capable of ever closing her mouth b) do anything besides breathe heavily and twitch like a nervy Chihuahua and c) able to act?

Next, we have the problem of Edward Cullen, vampire hottie.  Or coldie.  Apparently, his body is like a marble statue and is cold to the touch.  I'm sorry, but snuggling with a cold statue is not my idea of fun.  And you know, making love to a cold statue does not sound pleasant.  I was very pleased to see, however, that they did not skimp on the lipstick budget for Edward in this last movie.  Heavens above, he must have enough lipstick!

For those that don't know, the family doctor, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, is a vampire, too.  He realized the error of his ways and dedicated his life to not sucking blood from humans.  He instead chooses to ignore the blood he deals with day in and day out and change his life by helping others in the medical field.  COME ON.  Seriously?  A vampire doing surgery?  You know, if you had a prescription drug addict and they took a job in a pharmaceutical factory to "help people" you know we'd all be like "SURE."

All these reformed vampires choose to stay in high school forever so that people don't see that they age.  I don't really understand that choice.  High school?  Not my favorite time of life.  There are such greater time periods!  I would not want to go to high school forever.  Life beyond high school is so much better.

And finally, spoiler alert!  After Edward and Bella get married, they go on a honeymoon and manage to get knocked up immediately.  I'm guessing that Bella didn't think to go to Planned Vampirehood before the honeymoon.  The baby turns out to be some mutant, and the book gets very, very bloody.  Yuck.  I read this book while I had a student teacher, and she interrupted her lesson to ask me why I was grimacing (PS, she sucked as a student teacher).

OK, let's just make this very clear.  You can't have a vampire/human pregnancy.  Seriously.  Let's go back to Edward and his lovely freezing cold body temperature.  Everyone knows that sperm have to be at just the right temperature to survive!  Too close?  The sperm fry up.  Too far?  The sperm freeze up.  There is no way that a vampire could have sperm if he's freezing cold!  Perhaps Stephenie Meyer should go to high school forever, like the Cullens, and maybe after a few hundred years a biology teacher will get through to her.

Then, this crazy baby thing inside of Bella needs to be fed.  It needs blood!  So Bella drinks blood to feed the mutant, and of course, it survives and thrives.  Seriously?  Stephenie?  Do you know anything?!?  She couldn't just drink blood and feed the baby!  It doesn't work like that.  You can't say "Gee, the baby needs a cheeseburger."  If you eat a cheeseburger, the baby doesn't get the cheeseburger.
Go back to high school, Stephenie!

I could really go on, but I better stop myself while I am ahead.  Overall, I don't get the big deal.  My mother tells me that it's romantic, and that's the appeal.  But I just can't get there in my mind.  My very patient friends put up with me griping all through the movies, and last night was no exception.  Kristen Stewart was at her breathiest/twitchiest.  The over-acting was killing me, and the music was like a horrible soap opera.

The search for a man continues.  And thanks to this dumb series, I now know that I do not want to be with a vampire.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy PJGiving

I know that I always wish I could wear jeans to bed!

I only have to mention the words "pajamas" and "shopping" and I know what is coming.  My sister can't fathom how much companies charge for pajamas.  She thinks it is a total rip off to buy pajamas, and don't even get her started on the cost of children's pajamas!

Me?  I am the total opposite.  I love wearing pajamas.  In life there are a few things that I think are worth investing some money in...trips to foreign countries, dental work, and comfortable night clothing.  After a long day's work, when I know that I won't be going anywhere for the rest of the night, it's not uncommon for me to change into pajamas as soon as I get home.  In fact, that is one perk of being single - I can wear pajamas whenever I like!  And since they cover me nicely, and no one is touching my legs, shaving is on the bottom of my to-do list!  (Perhaps, on closer examination, this is why I am still single.  Food for thought.)

It's hard for me to understand what isn't to love about purchasing pajamas for yourself.  They are so comfortable and can be very cute.  It's so easy to get cheap, comfy pajamas at places like Target, Kohl's, even Sam's Club!  When it is cold outside and your body is tired, it's so refreshing to slip on a pair of pajamas that are soft and warm.  I mean, what is the alternative?  Wearing a t-shirt and sweats?  Yuck.  Sleeping nude?

Actually, I have to say that I tried sleeping nude once.  I wondered what the big deal was, and it was very hot outside.  I lived by myself, why not?.  I felt like such a rebel.  Hot stuff, sleeping in the buff!  But, it was not a good situation.  I couldn't sleep well at all!  What if there was a house fire and I had to race outdoors and I was naked?  What if I had a medical emergency and had to call 911 and they found me naked?  I'm also quite a sleep walker.  I've woken up many times in strange places, doing strange things. Taking clothing out of that scenario just makes it worse.  Imagine, me standing in the middle of the road talking about being the mayor of the town, totally naked.

I woke up all night long worried about my lack of clothing.  That is unlikely to be something I will do again.

So, pajamas are something I will continue to invest in, and I think it's time that my sister did as well.  I'm going to keep giving her pajamas until she becomes so addicted that she comes to "the dark side."

Are you particular about your night wear?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

A Message From Beyond

Lately, I've seen a lot of television about psychics and messages from the dead.  Personally, it is not something I agree with and would not participate in it.  But that hasn't stopped me from noticing a pattern, even on the commercials endorsing a show.  The skeptic inside of me reacts, big time.

The psychic will say something like "I'm getting an image of a coat."  And then the vulnerable person, almost ALWAYS a woman, says "Yes!  My father had a coat!"  And this is supposed to prove something?!  Wow, a coat is VERY distinguishable.

I also like it when the psychic says something like "I'm sensing that you have had someone in your family that was sick.  Was there anyone in your family that was sick?"  No s!@#, Sherlock!  There's always someone sick in a family.

But what really, really gets to me is the messages that people who have departed choose to share.  I love it when the psychic says that she's getting a message about buttons.  Or red flowers.  Or something.  And then the vulnerable woman bursts into tears and says "My mother had a button collection/a rose garden/etc."  And then the dead person segues into a message that is something along the lines of "You should keep my button collection shiny."

Now, I miss my dad in a very raw, emotional way.  I know that I won't see him or hear from him again on this earth, and that sometimes makes me really sad.  But if I got contacted by him from beyond the grave and his message was

"Non-Mommy, my coin collection.  Keep my coin collection!"

I would be pissed!  Shouldn't these messages be significant?  Shouldn't they say something like "I left the directions for the universal remote in the third box from the left in the attic?"  or "I buried a chest of gold in the backyard by the rose bush?"  I'd even settle for something sentimental.

I am very skeptical.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I've Got a Fever

I've got a fever, and the prescription is NOT more cowbell.  I've got baby fever.  BIG TIME.  But there are a few problems.  See, I don't even have a date.  Let alone a significant other.  And apparently, these pesky kids need a father - who knew?!?  So, no children on the horizon at this time.

This doesn't mean that my eggs are not getting more brittle by the second.  This doesn't mean that I'm not sick of being single.  This doesn't mean that I don't want a family in a bad, bad way.  I have pondered this many times.  I have thought about being a single mother.  The problem is, how to go about it?

Kidnapping one of those Duggars.  Would they really miss one?  I mean, really?  But what if they grew up like Jim Boob?  I'm not sure my heart could take it.  Plus, if I try to kidnap someone I'm kind of a wuss and don't think I'd do well in jail.

Going to one of those anonymous donation places, if you get my drift.  This is quite a gamble.  How do you select a father for a child based on a form?  The choices, it's too much!  A tall child would be nice, they could clean the top of the fridge for me.  But an average sized child would be nice because they don't feel like they stand out.  A short child could be considered cute, and I would like a cute child.  And then, I'm very pale (read:  pigmentally challenged) so do I want to pick a donor that will give my child a chance at some skin pigmentation?  Do I look for a fellow half-albino so that my child looks like me?  And then there's the whole gross out issue of a donation from a stranger.  I don't want to put anyone else's snot anywhere near my body, so other bodily fluids...

Adoption.  Adoption is actually very near and dear to my heart.  I'd adopt a house full of children in a heart beat.  But is anyone going to want to send a child to a single mother with no money?  And, I'm a bit like that book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.  If you give me one kid, I'll end up with a house full and I'll end up having to have my mother as a permanent caretaker for my child zoo.  I'd also be a total hypocrite because I've been steaming mad about the Duggars going for a 20th kid.

Praying for a miracle.  It could be an interesting life having people arise up and calling me blessed.  But that's a whole lot of pressure, and I don't like to stand with my head cocked and my hands outspread.

So, I'm up a creek without a paddle.  In the meantime, I'm drooling other over people's children and wishing that someone in my family would have a baby that I could cuddle and spoil.  My nephew is getting too big to cuddle, and my cuddle bank is running low.

Seriously, I'm sick of being single.  Really.  Ideas?

Monday, November 7, 2011

Say it isn't so...

The Duggars have an announcement on NBC tomorrow morning.  Please tell me they aren't announcing baby number 20.  Please, please, please.

It's like a car accident.  I am horrified, and yet, can't turn away.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I Love Fall

I love cooler weather.

I love the vivid colors of the fall.

I love frosty mornings with air that feels crisp.

I love needing to wear layers, and needing a blanket to watch TV.

I love hearing the wind outside, knowing it's cold, and yet feeling cozy and warm indoors.

I love that now that I am working with younger children, making scarecrows, turkeys, and other fall icons is a regular part of my job.

I love that a good hot bath or a warm cup of tea warms you right up.

I love that my favorite colors of red, orange and yellow are everywhere.

Autumn is amazing.

(Don't tell my mother, I used to make fun of her all the time for loving trees and fall. Shh.)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A Day in the Life With an Autistic

Teacher:  Barney, why are you so upset?

Barney:  [makes explosion noises and waves his fingers around]

Teacher:  Barney, look at my eyes.  Look at me, Barney.  Barney, look at me.

Barney:  [mutters and reluctantly looks at her eyes]  Kaitlyn made me so mad.  I'm so mad.  [more explosion noises]

Teacher:  I can see you are upset.  What is bothering you?  Why are you shouting?

Barney:  Kaitlyn said that Star Wars isn't real!!!!  [more explosion noises and finger waving]

Teacher:  Um...well, Barney, I'm sorry, but Kaitlyn is right.  Star Wars isn't real.

Barney:  WHAT?!  Yes, it's real.  I can't believe it.  [explosion noises]  Grrrr.

Teacher:  I know it's hard to hear that, but it isn't real.  Just because it isn't real doesn't mean you can't still enjoy it.

Barney:  [grumbles/groans/grimaces/mutters]

Teacher:  I need you to take a deep breath and calm down.

Barney:  I can't believe this.  Are you trying to tell me that Transformers isn't real, either?

Teacher:  Um...


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