Saturday, July 30, 2011

Single Woman Saturday

If ONLY I had taken up smoking! Maybe that is why I am single...

and have no throat protection?

Monday, July 25, 2011

And I Thought England Was Proper (See the End!)

(Please, if you skip this whole thing, at least scroll to the end of this post and explain those signs to me!)

If I haven't mentioned it enough for you, I am a total Anglophile. I love all things British, including the royal family. So when I had a chance to go to Windsor and visit Windsor Castle, I was so excited! Windsor Castle is very old, very historical, and extremely cool!!

I almost got the boot, though, because my friend accidentally packed a metal fork in our lunch, and apparently metal forks are not allowed. I didn't know that there was a fork until I went through the x-ray machine. Watch out, Windsor Castle, I'm going to take you down. With a fork. It will only take me 1,000 years to destroy the place...with a fork.


I was about to wet myself with excitement as I took a picture of this sign.


And then, I am fairly certain that at this place and time, I was covered in goosebumps and gasping "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I cannot be here!"


I accept all donations to the "Non-Mommy Needs Therapy" fund.


I couldn't take pictures on the inside, which is really a shame because you cannot believe how amazing it is.  I saw the Queen Mother's grave, but when I stepped on the grave of King Henry the Eighth, I almost lost it.  I grabbed my friend's arm and shrieked "There are some REALLY big names in here!"  Which she promptly laughed at.


I got this guy to crack a smile, just a teeny tiny one, but I saw it.  BUSTED!


They turned the moat into a gorgeous garden. It was awesome.


We took a river cruise down the River Thames.


You can cross a bridge leaving Windsor, a bustling city, to Eton, which was totally dead.  It's really odd. The bridge isn't that big!  Anyway, I wanted to see Eton College because my former boyfriend Prince William, among others, went there.  But there was not much to see.  And Eton was totally devoid of any life or activity.  Except the four people you see here.


Now, this is what makes me scratch my head in bewilderment.  I never wanted to speak while in England.  I sound so dumb and American and they sound so dignified.  So imagine my shock to stumble upon this...


And in case you didn't see it the first time, here it is again.


Thank GOODNESS it is controlled, because there is nothing worse than some uncontrolled porn.

A gold star to anyone that can explain what a porny school is!

Friday, July 22, 2011


Dear Dumb Teenagers Behind Me at the Movies,

Listen, I am so sorry that you have never read the Harry Potter books.  I find it very difficult to believe that you haven't seen the past seven movies, and wonder what the heck you were thinking seeing the very last movie of a rather complex series?

Your stupidity/poor planning aside, it was really rather inconsiderate of you to talk through the entire movie.  I tried to put myself in your shoes.  Really.  I know it is hard not to talk in a movie, and have to force myself not to do it too much.  But you see, I have bionic hearing.  I could hear every freaking word you said!  And I could not concentrate because I was so worried about that guy you liked, what should you do after the movie, or your friend's explanation of Snape's role in this whole movie.

You are soooo lucky that I finally whispered "We can hear every word you are whispering!!" and not what I really wanted to say, which would fall along the lines of:





I didn't pay $9.50 to listen to your stupid conversations!  Close your pie hole!

A very cranky Non-Mommy

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Wonder What She Remembers About Me?

Today, I returned to the town that I have lived in for the past 13 years (give or take) to visit THE lady doctor.  You know.  Yuck.

While in this town, I needed to pay a friend of mine that is currently building me bookcases for my classroom (as a side note, do you have any idea how difficult it is to find bookcases for a classroom that are not as tall as the Eiffel Tower or hideously expensive, and will stand up to the crazy antics of monkey children?).  My friend mentioned that he would be painting a room at a home in a neighborhood that I was familiar with.  Knowing his general location, and car, I decided to just run to that house and give him the money quickly.

Awkwardly, I walk to the door of the home of someone I don't really know and, with a fat wad of cash in my hand, I asked if Joe Blow was there because I needed to give him money.  The woman that opened the door looked at me oddly.  I mean, she probably thought that I was a stranger coordinating a drug deal in her living room.  As it turns out, I had had this woman as a professor in college.

After dropping off the cash and putting the weed in my bra I thanked the kind woman for allowing me to invade her home.  She interrupted me and asked me if we knew one another.  I told her my name, and that I had taken an economics class with her many, many years ago.  I never expected her to remember me.

She smiled and said "Of course, I remember you in my class!  And you were in my class on 9/11, I remember it well!"

This is mind boggling to me.  I took one class with this woman, and what I remember about the class is that a) it was very early in the morning and I was very sleepy  b) I used to pass a lot of notes in this class, to stay awake c) I should never purchase a brand new car, because it is an economically poor decision and d) I was in her class on 9/11, and remember her telling us what had happened.

Anyway, this was probably boring to you, but I found it so interesting that she would remember me, and that just as she will always be cemented in my memory for that tragic day, I have apparently been cemented in hers.

I shudder to think what any other professors remember about me.  Really.  I would hazard a guess that they would remember sleep, doodling, passing notes to Sarah, Amanda and Erin and, in a few cases, a very pale blonde that was sick with worry because she had a test and had not studied.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

My Life Rocks

This is how my day has been:

I woke up, and was lazy.

I took my nephew to the pool, as I do every day during the summer.  I could rhapsodize forever about how much I love the pool.  I love it, love it, love it.

I later put on a very comfy dress that shows more skin than I'm comfortable with, but I'm just staying home, so who cares?  The dress also shows off that I have, for the first time in all of my half-albino life, TAN LINES.  Yes, a miracle has happened.

I laid in my bed, my most favorite place in the world, and read a book that was no literary award winner, but it was an easy read.  The ceiling fan blew air on my shoulders, and it was most pleasant.

I played baseball with my nephew in the house (it's too hot outside!) using a squishy pool ball and a plastic rolling pin.  It was awesome.

I ate a most satisfying dinner in a quiet, calm home while reading the above mentioned easy read.

Summer is awesome.

I never want to work again.  Now, if only I could find that sugar daddy so I don't have to work...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


In June, I was fortunate to travel to Europe to visit a friend in England.  While on this trip, my friend and I went for a short trip to Barcelona, Spain (which I have blogged about).  It was quite easy to put pictures from the Spain portion of my trip up on my blog, but for some reason, I have just had a hard time blogging about England.

Going to Spain was ok.  It was nice.  It had some great points.  But I secretly found myself longing to go back to England, and was so happy when we finally touched down in the UK.  There is something about me that you need to know.  I don't just like England, I LOVE England.  Love in a crazily deep way.  I don't know what it is about England, but I just feel like I fit in there somehow.  It has its perks and its downsides, but I find it absolutely charming, delightful, and incredible.  This was my third time in England, and I came home even more in love than I could have ever imagined.


So much, so, that I have been melancholy ever since.  I haven't had the heart to talk about it and I think about England all of the time.  In my head, I'm constantly trying to figure out how I could afford to go back, and make it work with my friends' schedules.  I mean, how can you not love a country that has adorable kid things like this in their schools?


A country in which you can ride a large ferris wheel called the London Eye and see, from the sky, one of the most famous palaces in the world?


A place in which you can easily walk the route Prince William took to his wedding, and sit in St. James Park and eat a hot dog?


A place in which this teeny, tiny back garden is fairly typical and no one blink an eye?


A place full of history and a deep sense of pride in a monarchy that has lasted hundreds and hundreds of years?


I will try to share some of my pictures with you, but I could never do it justice.  I cannot even begin to choose what pictures to show you, there are so many things that we did and saw.  The trip was not just incredible because of the many sights that we saw, but it was incredible because of the people as well.  Everywhere we went, I found the people to be extremely friendly and outgoing.  I never wanted to speak because they sound so dignified and I sound so...American.  But they managed to overlook that and let me be a part of their fantastic country for a few weeks.

Stay tuned for exciting highlights from my UK journey!

Sunday, July 10, 2011


I went to an outdoor wedding last night.  The bride was a young girl that used to be a part of my life, and I loved her!  She worked in my classroom as a teenager, and I even spent a weekend with her and her siblings while her parents were out of town.

The wedding was lovely, but it was hot.  All was going along smoothly.  The bridesmaids came down the aisle, and then here came the bride, escorted by her father.


I started blubbering like an idiot.  I'd like to blame it on the heat, or that this girl is special to me, or that I'm upset because yet another young person from my life is getting married and I am still not.  But it was about my dad.  All I could think about was getting married without my dad, and how hard that will be.  I kept thinking about the fact that some day I will get married to someone who will never even have known my father, and that kills me.  It will be the longest, loneliest walk down that aisle for me, but I wouldn't want any other person to take me down the aisle.  There's only one person that belongs in that spot.

It's been a year and four months.  So much has changed since then.  In pretty much every aspect of my life, I am happier than I was a year and four months ago, which sounds very odd to say because my dad was my world.  But I know that he's happy that I am happy.  It's still very odd to think that I will never see him again.

I dream about him almost every single night.  When I used to dream about him, the dreams would be me looking for him, or talking on the phone to him and not being able to see him, or I'd be sobbing in my dreams and wake up sobbing.  Now, though, I dream about him every night and they are just normal dreams.  I treasure them because I hear his voice and see him again.  I hope they never, ever stop.

Grief is very weird.

And, I miss him.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Single Woman Saturday

Single on a Saturday night, dreaming of how your life could be if you were married? Click on the article below to see some fantastic tips on being a good wife!

Remember to arrange his pillow and take off his shoes. And above all, remember that he is the master of the house!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Geriatric Duty


I'll admit it.  I'm one of the people the media continue to rail on about.  I have been obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial.  I was gone for most of the actual trial, so I soon as I returned to the country I began watching and reading about it to get caught up.  Like millions of others, I am very upset about the verdict.  I understand, because I have been on a jury, that they may not have been able to convict her based on wording technicalities.  But it is crazy to think that a woman who so clearly murdered her child, and then so flagrantly enjoyed her newfound freedom, is going to get off so easily.  What I really can't wait to hear is how her integration back into the real world goes.  I also believe with all of my heart that her mother will welcome her home with open arms and continue to give her funds and a basic free pass to partydom.  Mind boggling.

All of this drama has gotten me thinking about my own experiences with geriatric duty...I mean jury duty.  Ah, jury duty.  The fate of millions of poor suckers.  It is actually a very interesting process, but it's not so convenient.  It also appears to be heavily rigged, but that's for another time.  And if you don't believe me, well, then you've never been on a jury haha.

Below find part one of the jury selecting process, taken from my personal journal:

Hello, Non-Mommy?

This is Justin Timberlake. I have a message for you. Cry me a river.

Well, I can't say I'm here to bear great news. I guess it could be worse. I was selected for jury duty. I am in a trial all week. But hey, the other girl on the jury who just COULDN'T have it this week has plane tickets she already purchased. So I guess I can't complain too much. It isn't fair, it isn't logical, but it is what it is. I haven't even had the heart to call my boss yet. She'll be upset.

I'll give you a quick rundown of the day-

8:00-9:30 - sit in a jury room with a bunch of really gripey old people. Seems our panel group wasn't large enough, so they brought in extra people. We were now 50 people. Suddenly, my chances diminish! By the way, as happened last time, not one court official ever came in until 9:30.

9:30 - we are all ushered into a gigantic court room. Much bigger than last time. With PLENTY of seating for us all. They put you into a weird order that isn't alphabetical and doesn't make sense.

9:31 - I am ushered into...the jury box?!?!? This is where I start to have a panic attack. Why are 12 of us sitting here, and the other 38 getting to sit on the benches?? Turns out, I think we were pre-selected, then weeded out as needed. I was extremely nervous and my hands shook.

9:35-12:30 - we are asked a billion questions. Individually, and as a group. I give my Oscar Losing Award speech about why I can't come. I also have to give testimony about when I was the victim of forgery. We are all getting extremely tired and cranky. Not stopping for lunch?

12:30-1:20 - we all nervously wait, tell the same stories over and over, and decide who "has it" and who doesn't.

1:20- go back in and they announce the winners. Lucky me. I said a bad word.

So after that, the rest were dismissed, and we went to lunch. The trial began today and will last all week.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

To: Delta Airlines, From: Sad Kindle

Dear Delta Airlines,

My name is Non-Mommy's Kindle and I am very sad.  You see, my obviously VERY blonde owner lost me.  She was so excited to take me to Europe with her!  I would be oh, so handy.  Of course, I was excited to go!  Who doesn't want to go to Europe?!  Non-Mommy happily loaded me up with books, and off we went.  The flight was pleasant, but being a red-eye, Non-Mommy got tired.  She then foolishly put me, along with her glasses case, into the POCKET OF DEATH.  I tried to warn her, oh how I tried.  But I'm not alive, so she didn't get my message.

After a most delightful flight experience, we landed.  Non-Mommy is a huge Anglophile, so she was very happy to have landed.  After all, she did see British license plates out the window, and that set her off in a tizzy.  Through no fault of yours, she was very tired.  She was so concerned about getting her things out of the overhead compartment and getting off of that plane that she left me behind!  On an international flight!  Being very young, I mean, new, she didn't even arrange for me to fly as an unaccompanied minor!  Hrmph!

I don't really want to tell you what happened to me next.  It isn't for the faint at heart.  I just know, in my heart of hearts, that Non-Mommy very quickly made the discovery of my abandonment.  She filled out the online form, and even called the airline.  It was only a matter of hours since she had left me.  And yet, I am still not in her loving, yet irresponsible hands.

The thing is, Delta, no one has attempted to register me in a different name.  No one tried to purchase new books using the credit card that is on file for me.  So, this makes my very regretful Non-Mommy think that I am possibly in a box somewhere.  I may not be alive, but using my psychic powers, I am guessing that Non-Mommy wonders if I have just been forgotten somewhere, not stolen.

What I do know is that Non-Mommy is ever so sorry that she left me.  She knows that this was a really big mistake on her part, and that you, Delta, have no obligation to try and reunite us.  I know from my time on your lovely flights that your flight attendants were very pleasant and kind.  I heard that your food was even decently good.  In fact, I think, if my mind reading abilities are correct, that Non-Mommy was very pleased with her international flight experience with you.

Please.  Help reunite me with Non-Mommy.  I would be ever so grateful, as I know she would be as well.

And also, maybe sew those horrible pockets shut!

Lots of love,
White Kindle in a purple floral Javon Edge case

PS - Her pink Candies glasses case would like to be reunited, too!

Monday, July 4, 2011

I Love the 4th of July!

Independence Day is here, and I am so excited! I have always loved the Fourth of July. It's a holiday in the middle of a rather boring stretch of months (holiday speaking, I mean) that brings no expectations. You don't have to do gifts. You don't have to worry about spending time with each side of the family. You get to blow things up. AND, I love feeling all proud and patriotic.

I have to admit a secret. I tear up every single time I sing the National Anthem. I'm a dork. Please note that I have been a history teacher.

Anyway, I have been very fortunate to spend time outside of our country, in both Central America and Europe. I have seen many things. And while I love traveling, and I love being in foreign countries, it makes me appreciate my own country that much more. Despite the negativity we hear in the media, our country has a lot of great things going for it. With that, I give you my list of the top reasons I love being an American.

Separation of Church and State. I was in some public schools in England last month, and couldn't believe that their public schools can also be religious schools. I think that just opens up too many cans of worms, so I'm glad we don't have to deal with it!

You don't have to pay to use public toilets and can flush toilet paper. If you have ever been to a foreign country that charges to use a public toilet, you know that the free toilets are not the ones you usually want to use. However, it's so annoying to have to have change just so you can pee! Come on, this is practically a cashless society. I don't keep coins around! And also, ew. Not being able to flush toilet paper. Enough said.

Our landscape and geography have so much to offer.  You want desert?  Got it.  Mountains?  Check!  Beaches?  You bet!  You can do anything you want to, without having to leave the country.  It's very cool!

The variety of accents in one country.  In a matter of several hours, you can be greeted with "Y'all" in the breakfast meats section at a grocery store in Texas, and then be at a grocery store in Minnesota where they'll offer you a "baeg" instead of a bag.  Brilliant!  How many other countries can pronounce the word "grandmother" as "gramma" or "gram-aw?"

Our Constitution.  Hi.  History geek here.  But our constitution was extremely well planned and written.  It's one of the only constitutions in the world that hasn't been completely abolished because it was written to be a living document.  It covers all the important bases.  It's pretty awesome!

We are generous.  If there is someone or something (such as a cause) in need, we dig right in and help out others!  Sure, there are always exceptions, but for the most part, we are a very giving group of people.

Sonic.  No place hops like Sonic!  You don't find drive in restaurants in which you can have hundreds of flavored soda options in other countries!  And Sonic is great, they offer weird foods for limited times.  Want some fried Mac and Cheese?  Jalapeno poppers?  Mini banana splits?  They keep their customers on their toes while still offering old faithfuls like cherry limeaids.  And we love them for it!

We are friendly and helpful.  We love to help others in need, and we're generally very outgoing and kind.  People make conversation with others in stores.  They wave at one another.  Neighbors bring one another gifts at holidays.  We can be very friendly!  Sometimes this has been a little embarrassing while I've been in another country, but that's another post.

The Bill of Rights.  Unlimited power for people and states, basic human rights, no cruel punishment, right to a jury, jury in a civil court, right to due process, no search and seizure, no quartered soldiers, militia and arms and freedom of religion and speech...what more do you need??

California.  I love this state, and clearly I'm not alone.  It's also very unique and belongs to us!  In one state you can go skiing, see forests, deserts, and beaches.  It's urban and rural.  It has fantastic weather.  Lots of celebrities.  It's awesome!

Wide parking spaces and an organized driving system.  Parking in foreign countries makes me break out in a cold sweat.  They squeeze into tiny areas that I am not good at.  Also, some places seem to think that rules for the road are more like suggestions.  Lanes?  Who needs 'em?  Brakes?  That's what horns are for, stupid!  While in Central America I saw people actually hit by cars.  God bless you, organized road systems in America.

Showering regularly.  I don't care how neurotic I sound, or how blatantly American I am in this regard.  I believe in cleaning your body every day.  I don't know how they can go around wallowing in their own filth.  And deodorant is an American trend I wish would catch on more.

Bravo TV.  It's trashy.  It's gossipy.  But I love me some good old fashioned Real Housewives or Flipping Out.

Our sense of patriotism.  We are proud of our country and aren't afraid to show it.  And that, my friends, is very cool.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Single Woman Saturday

Single? Trying to choose between your own Larry and Nick? This educational video will help you out with your dilemma, and will show you that the wrong choice could end up in disfigurement and death!


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