Saturday, January 28, 2012

RIP, Non-Mommy

Through an odd set of coincidental circumstances, I ate spicy tuna roll for dinner last night, a tuna sandwich for lunch today, and a tuna steak for dinner tonight.  It didn't occur to me until I was finished with dinner that I had eaten tuna for every meal for the last 24 hours.

I now feel itchy, my skin is red, and I'm swollen.  OK, one could argue that I'm always swollen, but whatever.  I couldn't take a nap today (insomnia) and I've felt excessively shy today.  Clearly I am suffering from mercury poisoning.  It's ironic that I worry constantly about being healthy and living longer than my father, only to OD on tuna of all things.  Tuna.

I leave this world with many regrets.  I never did learn how to tie a true knot; I can only tie your basic shoe.  I'm afraid of curling irons and have to close my eyes while getting my hair done.  I also have never been to Walt Disney World.

If I make it through this, I vow to change things.  Learn to tie.  Learn to be confident.  Go to Disney World.

Feeling Fishy,

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I'm Befuddled

I'm easily confused.  I mean, hello, I am a natural blonde.  But there are a few things that I don't understand, and I'm hoping you'll explain the rationale to me.

People leaving their dogs in cars.

I've been noticing that there is an old woman that leaves her dog in her car during church.  The other day, I noticed that there were dogs in a car at the gym, too.  Can people really not leave their dogs for like an hour to go to church or the gym?  What do they do when it's too warm to leave them in the car?  And I doubt they are guard dogs, because these are fluffy little dogs.  What's the deal?

The LOST Liars

I was a huge, huge LOST fan.  The producers promised us that at the end of the show, they wouldn't all be dead.  This led me to religiously watch and analyze each and every episode trying to figure it all out.  Well, and let's be honest.  This guy might have been an incentive to watch, too.

So then we go through six years of the show, and SURPRISE, they're all dead.  What the heck?  Why lie about it?  And then say "Oh, yeah and as soon as the show is over, we won't give interviews either" because you know that everyone will be pissed at you.  Not cool, J.J. Adams and Damon Lindeloff.  Not cool.  And I'm still bitter.

People That Don't Use Their Garage for the Intended Purpose

Now, this issue really doesn't apply to people that live in warm climates.  But I never understand why people fill their garage with crap and then park their cars outside.  Do they like having to get up early and warm up the car?  Do they enjoy having to scrape the windshield every day, or brush off snow?  Why would you opt to do that when you could park your car in a warm, dry room that allows you to not step outside in winter's fury?  Really, if your garage is full of crap, are you using it anyway?  Shouldn't you just toss it and put your cars in the garage instead?

Sucky, Sucky Grief

It's coming up on two years since my dad passed away and I'm suddenly all emotional for no reason!  It's so weird!  You'll be going along mostly fine, pretty much accepting that he's gone forever and then all the sudden you're a soppy mess.  What's the deal?!  How long will this go on?

And finally, NETFLIX.

Netflix, how I loved thee.  For years I've been a member of yours and loved it.  It was affordable, I could get pretty much any movie I wanted, and life was good.  But then, you had to go and screw it all up with your price change, company name change, company name change redaction, and getting all those movie companies to yank their movies from you.  Now, the streaming movies suck and you keep not adding new content.  I'm just waiting and waiting for someone else, like iTunes, to come up with a similar service and then I'm switching for good.  I just don't understand what happened.  You had a total monopoly!  Did you get greedy?  Was it mismanagement?  Whatever it was, I have fond memories but I'm ready to move on from you.  I hope your predecessor will work with my Apple TV.

Friday, January 20, 2012

I never claimed to be normal

You know the Geico commercial with the rowing hamsters?  The logical part of my brain knows, KNOWS it's not real.  And yet, when I see it I have a brief moment of discomfort thinking about poor little hamsters being trained to row and say the word "row."  It seems a bit cruel to me.  Poor little guys.

I also have to tell you that I think it is extremely unsafe to have a container of water next to the computer.  Hello!  Electrocution!

It just seems like you could get power from other sources.

And by the way, my brother in law now has my nephew saying "Row, row, row" to me.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Cold lips freeze ships

I recently purchased some Buxom lip gloss at a Sephora store.  Apparently, it's supposed to plump your lips and make them, well, buxom.  When the girl told me about it, I asked her if I could put it on my boobs and she didn't even laugh.  Come on!

Anyway, one of the perks of this lip gloss is that it tingles and cools your lips.  It feels kind of cool and is  a reminder that my lips are getting more buxom by the second.  I'm pleased with it.

But the Buxom makers forgot one teeny, tiny detail.  The cool, tingly effect is fine and dandy in a normal temperature range.  I found out, the hard way, that the cold air enhances the cooling effect.  As I walked across the dark parking lot in twenty degree weather, I began to fear that my lips were being frozen off of my face.  My lips felt like I had ice cubes glued to them.  By the time I got to the door, my lips were looking like those of Charo...

or Lisa Rinna...

Or even, God forbid, Taylor Armstrong.

I feared that my frozen lips would impede my ability to teach.  Or that I'd trip over my now plump lips because they are frozen and numb and I can't see that I'm about to step on them.

This is not good.  I'd like to catch a man, not repel one with my lips of frozen cod.  So, Buxom, I will no longer be able to wear you in the winter.  Sorry.

But I really do like your product!  Perhaps a winter version could warm cold lips instead?

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Thanks for the support!

I've been attempting to get back into shape lately.  I've never been a terribly athletic person, but I had totally dropped the ball (and not a medicine ball!) in regards to exercise.  I've been working out with a trainer, but I think I'm frustrating her.  In all fairness, I did try to warn her.

I told her that I grew up Baptist.  There is not a flexible move in these Baptist born bones!  No matter how much I may want to, I am physically incapable of dancing or moving in any sort of fluid motion.  It's not my fault.  Blame the SBC.

I also told her that I'm directionally challenged.  I have a hard time following an exercise leader.  Do I move in the same direction as he or she?  Or do I move the same arm that he or she is moving, even though it's backwards?

I also told her that I'm a teacher. If there is one thing I can do well, it is follow directions.  However, I am going to make darn sure that I follow the directions TO THE LETTER, and I'm not going to start anything until I'm absolutely sure that my body placement is correct, I understand what I'm about to do, and more importantly, while I'm doing whatever I've been told, is anyone looking?

So during training, she kind woman keeps smiling and saying (between clenched teeth) "No, move your foot this way. Other way. More. More. Too much. No, move it back. Can your other foot the other way."

I was telling my sister about my problems and expected her to be all sympathetic.  What did she say?

She chuckled and said "Yeah. I remember you in Jazzercise. We were all going along working hard, and there you were..."

YES, YES, I KNOW. I was going the wrong direction. And doing it all wrong.

I will never have a career as a dancer. Or fitness instructor.


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