Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Christmas Rules According to Non-Mommy

The Christmas season is approaching and I already see people preparing for the holidays.  As you consider what you listen to, what you eat, and how you decorate for Christmas, I hope you will keep in mind the following rules in regards to Christmas:

1.  Harry Potter is not a Christmas movie.  Containing a Christmas scene does not a Christmas movie make.

2.  LED lights are of the devil.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, one bulb going out doesn't knock out the whole strand, and you can plug in 43 strands at once, and they are way more energy efficient, blah, blah, blah.  They just are so...cold.  Flouresent.  Unappealing.  I can't handle the light!  It's so uncozy.  Some day when I die, they are going to make an episode of "Hoarders" (sickly fascinating show, by the way) about me.  Instead of finding me taped to my bedside toilet so I don't fall into the garbage and dead cats around me, they are going to find my home packed to the ceiling with boxes of REAL Christmas lights and REAL lightbulbs.

3.  Never, ever, ever, EVER mix regular lights with LED lights.  LED lights are bad enough, but the two lights should NOT be mixed!

4.  Inflatables.  They are not my favorite, but you should never do a yard full.  And don't even GET me started on how it looks during the day with them deflated all over the yard.  I have to stifle the urge to yell "The carnage!  THE CHRISTMAS CARNAGE!"

5.  The following song should never be played at Christmas time (or ever, although this video is so ridiculous it's almost funny):

6.  Don't put red or green bulbs in your outdoor light fixtures.  The first thing I think is "drug deal."

7.  Don't ever, ever make a dessert that LOOKS like those Oreo balls (hehe) but really make stupid CREAM PUFFS.  I hate cream, and that was a most unpleasant, gagging surprise.  And yes, the sexual overtones in this rule are not lost on me.  I wasn't intending that, truly.

8.  This song should be put to rest permanently as well:

I realize it makes a lot of people cry, and feel very sentimental, but...call me Scrooge if you must.  I want to blow my brains out when I hear this song.

9.  Instead of watching music videos that make you want to hurl, you should instead watch CLASSICS like this one!

I loved this cartoon as a kid, and still enjoy it today.

10.  Send Christmas cards.  Don't resist.  Getting real mail is such a rare treat these days.  It's totally worth the cost.

 I have other nuggets of wisdom, but I'll leave you with 10!  I know that some of you will consider this a little premature, but you can't plan ahead enough when considering these important Christmas rules!


  1. I don't know where to start. This is so wrong - and so right - on so many levels. Must go consume vast amounts of "special" egg nog and listen to Dr Demento's Christmas album whilst formulating appropriate rebuttal. HoHoHo! Bah Humbug!

  2. Wow, I need to give you a cyber-high five right now. I really hate those two songs, and I thought I was the only one who felt so strongly in my dislike of them. You rock!

  3. I've always done Christmas cards chock full of pics and family news. That is, until last year....Last year I sent out 113 cards. I got back 11. That sucked. The topper to it all was our associate pastor leading his sermon with a story about getting Christmas cards with those annoying letters that brag about stuff the family had done all year EXACTLY 4 DAYS AFTER HE'D GOTTEN MY CARD. I resolved at the minute not to send a single card out ever ever again.

    I'm kind of rethinking that now though. Not sure. What do you think?

  4. Where do I start? I don't even know. I couldn't see the first two vidoes but I loved the pluto and Mickey Mouse one so I'll show it to Isaac. I definitely think people should send Christmas cards and I for your above noter, I love when people brag about their family in the Christmas card letters so I know what they've been up to all year! I just never do that as I don't have time.

  5. Heh. I just emailed our pastor asking if it would be possible to put a few more pieces of 'classic' Christmas music into the Christmas Eve service... for us 'older generation', and then linked him to that Hippopotamus song. E-VILLE!
    Of course, that means I've got it as an earworm too... as do my kids, who now want to learn the words.

  6. I don't get why red or green lights say "drug deal". Who are you hanging out with, anyway?

  7. oh man, I love the way you think. Those inflatable things irk me too. It is very depressing to see them during daylight, I agree.

    I saw the Lifetime movie about Christmas Shoes and it made me want to hurl. But maybe that might be the case with any Lifetime movie.

    How do you feel about It's a Wonderful Life? I love that movie. Your sister does not.

  8. I would also like to know why red and green lights signal a drug deal.
    I love the inflatables - especially the snow globes that only have 1 snowflake left flitting around.

  9. Can I add to your list?

    Every house must have a light display like this one, unless your my neighbor.




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