Friday, July 23, 2010

Giving Up the Dream


I have decided that...


It's a hard decision, but...

I think I am giving up my dreams of being an Olympic ice skater.

I know.  I know.  It's crushing.  I don't know how I'll ever get over the disappointment.  I've always wanted to be a graceful, beautiful princess skimming across the ice, leaping into the air and gracefully landing back to the cheers of the world as they marvel my incredible talent.  But recently, I got schooled.  Wait, is it more effective if I say "skooled?"  Anyway, I got schooled/skooled by some majorly incredible Asian kids who seriously are going to the Olympics.  They are like 8 years old, and wearing all these fancy jackets to show off their mad skillz (and patches from various skating competitions) while they do a triple sauchau (I don't even know how to spell it, that's how badly I need to give it up!) while I am wearing clothing that is clearly NOT ice skating appropriate.

I also spent an extended amount of time doing this:

I realized, after this experience, that I'm not a young spring chick anymore, and a significant amount of time bent over, holding onto the E-Z Skater, kills your back.  And also, apparently, ice skating brings out my crazy eyes.  And PS, Ann Taylor shirts are maybe not clingy enough to not reveal my less than stellar cleavage.  Patrons of the Escondido Iceoplex, I apologize that I wasn't able to cover up my shirt a little more.  If I let go, the child would fall!  And that I was chomping on gum like white trash.

I was only able to stop holding onto this E-Z Skater when I finally convinced Mowhawk Boy that if he went "Chop Chop Chop" with his skates, he could, in fact, skate on his own without my help.  Soon he was zipping all over the rink, I was resting my back by skating in a vertical position, and he suddenly became a skating expert.  He kept yelling at me that I need to watch his feet.  WATCH HIS FEET.  He would show me how to stop.  WATCH HIS FEET!!!  Of course, his stopping technique was to hold onto the E-Z Skater, fling himself on the ground, and let the people behind him crash into him.  I bit my tongue to retort that I do know how to skate, thankyouverymuch!!!!

Yes, friends, I realize that I can never be a professional ice skater if I gain a lot of weight in one year, chew gum while skating, have a sore back from bending over, am jealous of small Asian skaters, and take skating tips from a four year old.  It's a sad, sad day.

I never looked good in a leotard with sequins, anyway.

I need some ibuprofen.

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...