Saturday, November 20, 2010

I've Lost a Good Friend

Recently my class was acting like it was a full moon, on party day, with each child acting as if they'd consumed an entire two liter of Mountain Dew.  It was so psycho that I didn't notice a major lifestyle change.

I lost a dear friend.

Goodbye, Fashion Form Push Up Pad.

Sniff sniff.

Eight years ago, I was going to be in a wedding.  The dress was way too big on top for me.  No matter what, there was just too much space in the upper chestal region.  When I arrived for the wedding, there was nothing left to be done.  So I purchased my new best friends, the Fashion Form Push Up Pad.  It's like a little boob shaped balloon you slip into your bra to turn your little mosquito bites into juicy, juicy mangoes (I stole that from "Bend It Like Beckham").  I got them just for the wedding, but then I discovered the joy of the push up pad in my every day bras!  They've gone on many a date with me.  They keep things nice and smooth on cold days.  They're wonderful.  For eight years I've been washing them and wearing them.  It's just messed up that I'm not a teeny stick of a person, but I don't have boobs.  I mean, come on, I should at least get to have some boobs out of the deal!

I noticed recently that one of them looked a little weird when I took it out of the washer, but I didn't think anything of it.  I mean, they are like 8 years old!

After the crazy day in my classroom I came home and sat down, and looked down.  Something was definitely amiss down there.  The little air filled ballooney part of the pad had shifted somehow to the TOP of the pad instead of the bottom of the pad where it should be.  But then the best part was, apparently this shift made my fake boob spin all the way around in my bra, and stick out of the top!!  MY FAKE BOOB WAS STICKING OUT OF MY BRA.  Seriously, how talented must I be to be able to turn my fake boob all the way around with no hands?  How am I still single?!?!

I didn't notice anyone looking at my chest weirdly.

Dear God, if you are listening, please let me not have walked around looking like a dipwad all day long with a third boob sticking out of my chest.

Please, God.  Please.

It's time for a new purchase.  Good bye, old friends.

You men have it so easy.


  1. Note to Self: DO NOT read Non-Mommy's blog on Saturday morning until you have had at least 2 cups of coffee. It is incredibly painful to laugh this hard while half asleep!

  2. Oh my. Surely someone would have said something!

  3. Can't you make your own with sand in a balloon or something? Seems easy, right? :)

  4. Why yes, a new craft project. Get the whole class to make them and you'd never have to buy any again! You sure are attracted ( like a magnet!! ) to intersting incidents!

  5. Jello pudding in a balloon. It never fails.



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