Saturday, November 27, 2010

Grandma Got Run Over by her Neighbor

 My grandma is hilarious.  She's really an interesting bird.  I could write an entire blog about her life alone.  However, it is the story of her being run over by one of her neighbors that I am sharing today.

My grandmother lives in a housing development filled with old people.  She spends a lot of time with a group of widowed women.  They go out to eat and see shows together.  You'd think, since this group is pretty much in their 80's, that they would be boring and drama free.  NO, SIR!  They fight as if they were in high school.

Two of the characters in the group have been battling one another.  The first Fighting Geezer is Sally.  Sally is old.  Really, really old.  She's tottery, forgetful, and looks as if a strong wind would blow her over.  Sally has been good friends with Dorothy, Fighting Geezer number two.  Dorothy had a stroke recently, so Sally has been helping her by driving her around.  Sally and Dorothy regularly go out to eat, and Sally always cuts Dorothy's food for her because Dorothy's hand strength is weak since her stroke.

Recently, Sally and Dorothy got into a fight.  As a payback, Sally declared that she would no longer cut Dorothy's food for her.  THAT SHOWED HER!  So Dorothy called up my grandmother and asked her if she would cut her food from now on, because Sally wasn't going to anymore.  When I heard this story, I laughed so hard.  The silly drama!  The best part is, they still go out with one another, even though they are mad.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  Sally, Dorothy and my grandmother went out to eat at their country club.  Sally, who is very frail and probably doesn't even remember her own name, drove.  Don't ask me why!  Every time I see Sally, I think that she's on Death's door and can't see.  Doesn't fill me with confidence to think that my grandmother is riding around with her.  So Sally drove the ladies to and from the country club.  My grandmother was helping Dorothy into the backseat and buckles her in.  She walked around, put one foot into the car, and was about to bring the other one into the car, when suddenly, Sally floored it.  This caused her to run over my grandmother's foot that was still on the pavement.

My grandmother found her shoe on the other side of the parking lot, and her foot was badly bruised, but nothing more. 

The next day, Sally showed up at my grandmother's house, apologizing profusely and handed her cash to get new shoes or to put toward a doctor's visit.  My grandmother was insulted, but I told her not to be.  Sally was just feeling guilty.  Then Sally called my grandmother four times in a row, prompting my grandmother to stop answering the phone.  Then Sally showed up AGAIN, acting as if she hadn't been there before, and handed my grandmother more money.  I'm just glad that a) Sally isn't my grandmother and b) my grandma was okay.

I'm going to choose to ignore the fact that there are people like Sally, all over the world, driving around when they shouldn't be, and instead focus on the fact that my grandmother got run over by a senile woman because the senile woman was fighting with her friend and wouldn't buckle her up.  In honor of this story, I composed the following song:



Grandma Got Run Over by her Neighbor
(Sung to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer)

Grandma got run over by her neighbor
buckling a friend into her seat
you can say that old folks are pretty boring
but I say they're an entertaining treat!

She'd been riding with Senile Sally
and we'd begged her not to go.
But she's a stubborn little old lady
and chose to be a friend, not a foe.

When they found her in the parking lot
at the scene of the attack
there were tire marks on her foot and
her missing shoe in the lot, way in the back.

Grandma got run over by her neighbor
buckling a friend into her seat
you can say that old folks are pretty boring
but I say they're an entertaining treat!

Now we're all so proud of Grandma
she's been taking this so well
See her there sipping her cocktails
encouraging Sally her car to sell.

It's hard to walk without a shoe
and a foot swollen and black
But we just can't help but wonder
if she'll go back?

Grandma got run over by her neighbor
buckling a friend into her seat
you can say that old folks are pretty boring
but I say they're an entertaining treat!

Now the shoe has been repaired 
and the foot is almost healed
I think my grandma needs a helmet
and a full length body shield.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors
better watch out for yourselves
they should never give a license
to an old lady who hears bells.

Grandma got run over by her neighbor
buckling a friend into her seat
you can say that old folks are pretty boring
but I say they're an entertaining treat!


2 comments:

  1. I think this post may be your best - right up there with your fake boobs!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This song is simply....amazing.

    ReplyDelete

Linkwithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...