Saturday, May 1, 2010

The "perks" of being single.

I went for pedicures, sushi and drinks, and the movie "Date Night" with my friends last night.  It's hard to go out and do things like this with most of my friends because they all have kids.  This means they either have little money, have no sitter, or feel guilty going out.

It was the first pedicure of the season.  If I could afford them all the time, I would do them always.  They feel great, my feet look nice, and it's just a fun get away.  My whole life I've kind of struggled with ingrown toenails, and despite my best efforts, they sometimes hurt.  Last year I went to this nail place and they damaged my toenail.  On my big toe, there was a large bruise under the nail and it cracked my nail all the way across.  I've not gotten a pedicure since to try and grow it back out and let it heal.  So then last night, I go into the local Vietnamese shrine to have my toes done.  By the way, being as culturally sensitive as I am, I blurt out in the middle of my pedicure "Is something on fire?!"  And they are like "No, it incense you smelling."

So here's the breakdown of what happened.  Imagine all the conversations that are not with me in a thick, Vietnamese accent:

Torture Woman:  Oh, you have bad nail.  What happen to nail?

Me:  Another nail place damaged my toenail.

Torture Woman:  Oh you need to take care of ingrown toenail.  It bad where the nail damaged.  I dig out.

Me:  OK [Side note for the pedicure challenged - it's uncomfortable to have this done, but it's worth it because it really does make it feel better.]

Torture Woman starts to mess around with my nail.  I yelp, jerk my leg up, but bite my lip, determined to get this fixed.  She keeps working and working as gently as she can, but I can see things are not going well.

Torture Woman:  You nail is very damage.  It is really hard by part of the nail with the crack.  I have to get it.

Me:  ...Ok.  

I begin looking around at the cleanliness of this shop.  How much digging is she going to do, exactly?

Me:  I'm never going to OH DEAR GOD OW OW STOP OW OW OW!!!

Torture woman:  [Turns to her friend next to her]  Zhidawangli longvanzhan longduckdong

I translate this into:  This is a bad one.  I'm gonna need some back up.

Torture Woman's Cousin:  I help.  [She starts poking and prodding like crazy.  I have tears in my eyes.]

Meanwhile, my friends are texting one another about what is happening, because they can't say anything in front of the women, and I'm trying to pretend that my toe isn't killing me like a Mo-Fo.  Torture woman puts her hand out like a doctor doing surgery and Torture Woman puts some tool in her hand.  I think in Vietnamese she was saying "Scalpel."  Or maybe "Rib Spreader."

Torture Woman:  [Takes back over]  I sorry that hurt.

Me:  [Suddenly, I remember that Paula Abdul got a staf infection in her arm from a manicure, and all kinds of wild thoughts are racing through my mind.  I've just had major surgery in a dirty Vietnamese nail shop!  My toe begins to bleed.]  Um, am I going to get an infection?

Torture Woman:  No, you not get infection.  Put your foot back in water.

Me:  I'm not going to get an infection?

Torture Woman, who has apparently become an MD in the last 30 minutes:  No, you not get infection.  Put your foot in water.

Me:  You don't understand the year I've had.  I will get an infection.  And I will lose my toe.

Torture Woman:  Put your foot in water!

Me:  I'm sorry, I just can't.  I don't want to get an infection in there.

The pedicure concludes with a very nice looking BLEEDING TOE.  My entire evening was ruined as I had BLOOD TRICKLING OUT OF MY TOE, and also I was so freaking worried I was getting gangrene or something.  I'm pretty sure my toenail was beginning to smell a little bit like almonds.  At a very late hour, I arrived home only to find that I had no supplies to clean my rotting toe with.  So, it probably festered all night.  I think the toe will be gone at any time now.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of "Will Non-Mommy Have to Chop her Big Toe Off?"

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