Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A very stimulating day.

Today I found a play that some of my students had written.  It's titled "I Love Mary."

Andy:  Mary, I love you.

Mary:  I love you.

Andy:  Will you marry me?

Mary:  Yes.

Andy:  I love you.


And now, for the best part of my day, hands down!  Ohhhhh hahahaha hands down.  When I tell you this story, you'll understand why I'm laughing at this.  I should also preface this story with the following:  I have a very crass sense of humor at times, and I'm maybe a 12 year old in a 30 year old body.  I also was a big fan of the dumb Austin Powers movies, so the jokes just roll right off of my tongue.

Today at recess, I was standing there wearing my sombrero (HELLO, it's CINCO DE MAYO!) and minding my own business when I noticed my coworker with an extremely red face, fumbling and waving his arms.  He had a little girl with him, and they were approaching me.  I look at the little girl and notice something in her hand.  No.  Surely not.  Is that what I think it is?  What is she holding?!?!


My jaw drops as I look at this child brazenly walking around with a big vibrator in her hands.  The male teacher tells her to go take it inside and put it in her locker.  And then he comes to me and shrieks "What do I DO??"

I promptly responded "BWWWAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh my gosh.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Hold on.  I'm getting serious now.  Hahahaha.  Ok.  I think you should maybe go tell the principal.  And see if her locker is buzzing when you go in."

Apparently the darling came up to the very shy male teacher and said "Look what I brought to school today!  It's a hand massager.  See?  When you turn the button on the bottom, it vibrates!"  The shy teacher, who seriously blushes like crazy if I say the word "bra" said that he looked at it and thought to himself "Please be a pencil holder.  Please be a pencil holder."  Then it began vibrating and his hopes were dashed.

So, the shy teacher went into the office where he, according to the secretary who had tears in her eyes she was laughing so hard, came in sputtering and stuttering, asking for the principal.  The principal wasn't available, so he asked for the assistant principal.  The assistant principal wasn't available, so the secretary asked him what was wrong.  He had to lean over (he's very tall) and tell this old lady about the vibrator.

The assistant principal had to call the girl into her office and confiscate the vibrator.  I would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall for that one.  She told the girl that toys weren't allowed at school.  I really, really hope she wore gloves.  Then, she had to call the parents.  Can you IMAGINE the conversation?  Either way you look at it, it's not good.

Scenario 1:  Your child has not only found your vibrator, but has taken it to school and is playing with it, showing it off as a hand massager.

Scenario 2:  Your child has somehow managed to get their hands on someone else's vibrator, which is very alarming.

We had a faculty meeting after school and everyone was teasing the teacher about it.  Everyone.  Word travels fast when sex toys come to school.  Everyone kept walking up behind the male teacher going "Bzzzz."  Then the principal starts waving around a folder that had the last name "Wood" written on it.  Wood.  I busted up.  I was dying.  Then she talked about taking time to be alone and enjoy yourself.  Then she said that we needed to turn in any keys that are by the company Schlage (and of course, I thought "schlong").  Then she said we had to get down to the meat and potatoes.


My face hurts.

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