I Needed Some Ruby Red Slippers

Tonight I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  You see, I was determined to get my mother's extremely late birthday gift.  I had ordered her DVDs of the Canadian show Corner Gas (hilarious, trust me!) but apparently it is hard to find.  It never came, even after I ordered it.  I recently located a copy and was finally able to give her her gift, five months late. 

On my way to pick up the DVDs, I decided to try and take a rural route to the store to see if it was any shorter than the way I usually went.  I happened to be in an area that was literally flattened by a tornado a few years ago.  I knew it was rainy and very dark looking, but didn't worry until I noticed a really low cloud.  I thought I knew what a wall cloud looked like, until I saw a real one several years ago.  I had no idea that they were so low.  So this afternoon, when I noticed a very oddly shaped dark cloud that was very low to the ground, I noticed.  I called my mother and asked her if we were in any storm warnings.  She looked, said that it was just a small storm that was about to blow over, and that I'd be fine. 

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!  This is not a good sign!

Approximately two and a half minutes later, I found myself in an area with no buildings around.  In hindsight, I did notice branches and leaves swirling around in the air, but I ignored this.  I drove onto this large bridge when suddenly my car was slammed by this freak "pop up" storm.  I couldn't see anything at all.  It was hailing incredibly hard.  My car was swaying side to side.  And where was I? 

On a freaking bridge. 

There was no where I could go, and I didn't know what to do.  I was in major trouble. 

Being calm is just not my forte.  I called my mother, bawling, and yelled into the phone "Are you sure that I'm safe out here?"  Which, by the way, never call your mother crying and asking things like this.  I contemplated what to do.  I mean, in a real tornado you should get as low as possible.  But I was on a very tall, large bridge.  I was seriously concerned that my windshield was going to be broken, and my car was literally swaying from side to side.

Turns out that little freak pop up storm caused quite a stir.  It turned out that I was in a tornado warning.  I was in exactly the wrong place at the wrong time.  The winds were 70 mph and it was quarter to golf ball sized hail.  Just as quickly as it had come, it blew over and I was on the side of the road, teary eyed and petrified.  And THEN, suddenly on the radio, they were telling me to take cover, that I was in grave danger!  Gee, thanks!  A little too late, don't you think?!

I don't know why I can't remain calm at times like this.  If I am at school and something goes wrong, I remain calm.  But on my own?  Not at all.

Last year the stupid tornado sirens went off right before 6 a.m.  I'm a very light sleeper, so I woke up immediately.  I'm also not one to wake up suddenly in the morning.  It makes me rather frantic.  I looked outside and saw a sky that looked exactly like this:

This is also very, very bad.

 So when I turned on the TV and they said "People living in Non-Mommyville need to take cover IMMEDIATELY, you have MAYBE 10 minutes before the storm will hit" I immediately ran around like a chicken with my head cut off.


"Bra, bra, you need a bra, where is your bra? You have to get your purse out of the car.  Hurry Non-Mommy, you have like 9 minutes.  You need shoes!  Shoes!  HURRY!  Should I pack my laptop? Seriously, it's solid black outside and you're worrying about your laptop? Get out of here!   8 minutes!"


They really need to stop giving specific times until you die.


So off to the snooty neighbors house I went.  She's seriously one of those people who smiles at you and says sweetly "Oh, those are an interesting choice of shoes. Hmm."  So here I come, with my hair literally standing straight up, in mismatching clothing (because I just grabbed something to wear), carrying my purse (because, after all, if you are going to lose everything, you'll want a credit card to buy yourself a toothbrush.  Not that my $200 credit limit on my Target credit card was going to help me much). And then I had to sit in her basement and make small talk.  At 6 a.m.  Talk about torture.  I'd rather go through a tornado.   Annnnnnd we sat there.  Listening to it outside.  It was scary. 

I hate storms.  Does anyone know where I can find a remote island that has no scary storms, no UV rays to sunburn me, and is fabulous enough for me to live with my rich, rich husband where we can have lots of babies?  Anyone?