Thursday, June 3, 2010

Keeping me on my toes.

Now that the school year has simmered down, I'm doing a whole lot of nothing.  I have to say, it's just what the doctor ordered.  I'm going to the pool every day, I am going for a walk every day, I am reading like a mad woman, and I am spending tons of time with my cranky nephew.  You know, he's two, so there is a lot of drama.  Lots of flinging himself on the floor and generally being cantankerous.  He also, for some inexplicable reason, has taken to shouting a few words when he's REALLY angry.  I like to think that he's using these as swear words.  When he gets really angry, he SHRIEKS "Waffles!  Vacuum!"  Don't ask me to explain it.  I think I'm going to try it next time my boss really pisses me off.  Today, he tried to unplug the scanner and when I said he couldn't, he screamed "Waffles!  Vacuum!  Airplane!"  I think I got the "F" word on that one.

Remember the dreaded pedicure incident?  Well, get ready for Part Two.  Yesterday I wanted to redeem a gift certificate that I got for a pedicure.  It was time for the toesies to get a bit more attention.  I went to the shop, where I haven't been before, and they sent me a Vietnamese woman who spoke absolutely no English.  Well, she could say random words, but they didn't make sense.  Or I couldn't understand them.  Once I understood "You pick color?" that was the end of the conversation, in my mind.

She was slower than molasses.  Bless her heart, she was trying to talk to me.  But it was kind of like this.

NoEnglish:  You picture flashlight tickle hat mrmrmrmngh hong dong wong song chair?
AllEnglish (Me):  Umm
NoEnglish:  PhongCong radio sunglasses sidewalk fish?
AllEnglish (Me):  Uhhh...uh huh.
And then she uttered one word that froze my blood and kept me awake last night. 
NoEnglish:  Poptart tree songconghonglongdong fungus toe white theme park going mrmrmrmrnrnrmrnrn.
AllEnglish (Me):  WHAT?  Did you say fungus??
NoEnglish:  Muttermuttermuttermuttervietcongwearathong toe
AllEnglish (Me):  HELP ME!  I NEED A TRANSLATOR!  Did she just say I have a fungus?? 

But then, the broad still manages to grin, say things that make NO SENSE, and paint right over my toenail that she did or did not say had a fungus.  So, being the completely rational, non-obsessive person ever, I go home and mull this over quite a bit.  Now, this is the toe that the nail had been cracked and it's not a normal nail at this time.  So was she just making light conversation about the state of my toe?  Did she think the nail was weird because I had a fungus and it made my nail all funky?  Or was she saying I currently had a nail fungus?

At this point, I'm thinking, "Big deal, if it is a fungus, that's easy enough, right?  Who cares?"  Then.  I broke my cardinal rule.

Never Google medical conditions.  Ever.

According to the internet, you can get a nail fungus if you are old, have poor circulation, have an immune system disorder, or have DAMAGED YOUR NAIL.  Oh, and PS, nail polish is like the worst thing you can do if you have one (and my toenails haven't been not polished since like 8th grade).  Apparently nail fungus is really hard to kill and is an ongoing problem, even if your nail falls off.  Apparently, OTC drugs don't work, and the prescription drugs are liver murderers.  So now I have not only the possibility of a societal scarlet letter, but also, a life long condition that forces me to choose between my liver and my big toenail!  Keep in mind that I still have no idea what the lady said or meant.  But I've already diagnosed myself and have doomed my toe to a fiery eternity in Hell, when I can't even see my toenail.

I laid in bed last night, debating.  Do I take off my newly pedicured polish to see if I have a problem, and risk losing the money I just spent YESTERDAY, to see if my toe is rotting off?  Or, do I keep my toes looking pretty, all the while letting a FUNGUS GROW on me which is SICK, SICK, SICK.  And, what if I do have one and I just spread it to all my toes yesterday while soaking my feet?  And what if I go on a date this summer and I have no toenail polish on?  I wear sandals!  I can't wear snow boots on a date!

Yeah.  Not obsessive at all.

In the words of my nephew, "Oh, Waffle.  Vacuum!  My stupid airplane toe!!!"


  1. It's good to see that you are keeping it all in perspective...

  2. This is hysterical! I hope your toe doesn't fall off.

  3. Not to worry - toe fungus "usually" grows very slowly. It may be years before your toe falls off!



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...