Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Bachelorette Party

 As the only single woman on the planet (I kid - there are at least two of us out there), I have a lot of experience attending weddings and baby showers.  In fact, today it dawned on me that due to recent events, I think I am the only woman I can think of who doesn't have any children.  Working in an all female environment with few to no chances to meet any men makes the romance department a little dreary for this non-mommy.

There are a few good things about being single and having to spend my future children's inheritance buying Crock Pots, lingerie, diapers, towels and onesies.  Thanks to all the time I've spent at parties and weddings, I know exactly what I will be doing at my own big event(s)!  I will explain it to you at the exciting conclusion of this series I like to call:

Why My Middle Name is Sucker: A Charming Tale of the Things I Do for People I Don't Even Like

Today, we'll begin with part 1:  the bachelorette party

The last time I had to go to one of these fun events (note the sarcasm) was for a girl that I didn't really know very well, or care for particularly.  I was sucked into this stupid bachelorette thing because this girl I spinned (cycle) with has no friends, apparently.  She wanted to go shopping and stay in a hotel in a nicer shopping district for her bachelorette party - in the middle of the winter.  Everyone else remotely tied to this girl backed out of the party.  No one gave her a shower.  So, it ended up being three of us (two who do not know this girl well and are not in the bridal party, and one who knew her well and didn't want to go) plus the bride.  Woo.  Par-tay.  I really didn't want to go at all.  At ALL.  Plus, it was going to be freaking freezing and I'm kind of a wimp.  But, I put on a shirt and a giant sweater on top of it, sucked it up, and went.  Oh yeah, but I didn't want to take my gigantic heavy coat because it's not as cute, so I wore the much more fashionable, but not warm, Ann Taylor coat and froze even more.  Whatever.

So we went to this shopping area and decided to go to lunch first. We went to the Cheesecake Factory, where we were seated DIRECTLY by the former governor who had just left the office.  Now, if you know me at all, you know that I might sort of have a little celebrity problem.   I honestly don't know why - maybe my mother dropped me on my head a bit when I was born.  I don't know.  At a church I used to attend, a local weatherman was the drummer. Even after almost 3 years, I still got a little bit squeally inside when I saw the man, and he's a weather man on a local station! And I kind of, sort of, got a little bit excited once when I saw a recent Survivor contestant at a local Wal-Mart.

So anyway, we get to this restaurant and they seat us in one of those corner booths.  BUT I got the worst spot!  I couldn't see crap, and I was the only one who cared if I saw the stupid former governor or not (who, by the way, I didn't even like and he really screwed up some education crap - but apparently, the idiot part of my brain doesn't really distinguish for that).   I tried to see him, but it required me to poke my head around a wall, therefore making myself look like an idiot.   My friends were laughing so much at me - I was eavesdropping like crazy.  I even tried to get "buddy buddy" with his son (who is like four) who kept poking his head into my booth.  It didn't get me anywhere.  I can report that he was very affectionate to his wife, so the rumors I heard about him being gay and leaving office as a result did not look so true.

When we ate dinner, our waiter told us that he served Bon Jovi recently. Just the thought made me a little woozy.

We then went shopping.  Did I mention that it was very cold, and very windy?  So much for doing my hair.  She wanted to go lingerie shopping, so we went.  Actually, she wanted to go to Victoria's Secret, and we went there.   I haven't been shopping in a VS in quite a while, because the one closest to me seems to be overrun with people I know, and I'm not sure that I want everyone and their uncle watching me underwear shop.  Apparently, Victoria's "secret" is that she really doesn't have much in her store.  There wasn't much in the way of honeymoon attire.  And this girl pretty much likes the opposite of whatever we all liked.

Did you know that if you try to take a picture of yourself, NOT in any underwear, sitting outside of the dressing room while a dumb soon to be bride tries on lots of strappy things, that the employees at Victoria's Secret will yell at you and insist you delete the picture?  Did you know that I still have the picture, of which there is in NO way underwear involved, and that I want to email it to them and say "HA HA?"

OK, so now it's midafternoon.  The girl wants to go for drinks.   At like 2:30!  Ug.  So we go some place, and three of the four of us had something, and one of us (me) did not.  Hey, I'm on a budget, I don't need the extra calories, I don't like the girl, and it's 2:30 in the afternoon!!  But it was nice to thaw out.

We went back out into the freezing Arctic, and guess where we went next?  That's right, THE APPLE STORE.  I sure did!  I was hoping to hide behind a shiny iMac and let the other girls go shopping, but I wasn't able to find a good hiding spot.  That store was packed with geeks.  Total geeks.  At first the other three girls were really just being nice and letting me go in there, but then...they discovered the iPhone section.  We all played with iPhones for a ridiculously long amount of time.  I really wish I had one.  And, did you know that in the Apple store, they will let you call people for free on their iPhones? They will!

We went to all kinds of places, and we even had to go BACK to Victoria's Secret AGAIN.  Snore.  On a sidenote, I hate the idea of people trying that crap on, and then ME wearing it.   Eww.

After a very long afternoon of shopping, we went back to the hotel we stayed at. The hotel drove us around for free, all day.   It was really nice.  And then, they have a complimentary bar.  Each person gets tickets for two free drinks.  People were giving us drink tickets for free like crazy because the silly bride was wearing a veil.  Everyone there was drinking a ton.   I did not.  I wasn't having a good time.  I was doing OK, but then this guy came over and was hitting on me because I was THE only one not wearing a wedding ring and he started singing Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and THEN someone at the table next door puked on the floor, right next to me.

It was not a good time for me.

Can someone tell me the appeal of these things?

What really gets me is that I did this to be kind, because this girl had no one.   I spent a LOT of money. I spent my weekend off with her.  She never once said thank you.  No thank you for the gift I got her. No thank you for the weekend events.  Nothing.   I'm still irritated, to be honest.   I don't do things to be thanked, truly.  But it's just rude.  No wonder this girl has no one.  She does have a terrible family, I do know that.  And she is terribly immature.  BUT I would have liked her to be a little more courteous.

I have learned my lesson about saying no.  This time.   Remind me that I learned that lesson the next time I can't say no.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment.  Thrills!  Spills!  Orange Thongs!  More Beyonce Songs!

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry, but this is very funny. I would like to see the contraband picture!



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