We interrupt this blog break (my drunk grandmother is here and keeps me from blogging) to present an important letter to the important people in our country.
Dear President Obama, CNN, and all the other fine folks with important news last night,
Wow. What a night last night! You really caught us off guard. While I hate to celebrate the death of any human, it is a relief to know that this evil man can no longer hurt anyone else. I appreciate that you kept your word about finding him, and that you also managed to keep such a huge secret.
May I politely make a small point? When you suddenly announce that you are going to be making a speech at 10:30 at night and give absolutely no indication as to why you plan to address the nation, people will naturally wonder what is going on. It is rather odd that you would address us unexpectedly, at such a late hour. Then, when you (AND YOU, CNN!) announce that it relates to a security issue, people naturally begin to think of the reasons you could be addressing us late on a Sunday night.
CNN and all of your minions, when you report that they continue to delay the speech, it makes people think that the president is receiving more and more information, people begin to worry. It begins to sound more and more serious. Then, when you say that the president is busy calling all the people involved, people worry even more. What does this mean? Is the president calling Congress into emergency session? Is he calling brilliant scientists? Is he calling the local duct tape factory?
Before we knew what was happening, I admit that I got scared. I began to think of all the scenarios that could be happening.
It could be war, but that was knocked out of the running by the security issue.
It could be a terrorist attack.
It could be that the scientists were wrong, and radiation has arrived here and is killing us all and we are to duct tape ourselves in our homes. (But I'm out of duct tape!)
It could be that an asteroid is about to hit.
It could be that aliens are coming for us at this very moment.
It could be that you, Mr. President, are announcing your sudden resignation, a la President Nixon.
It could be that you are alarmed at the rate in which people sneak food into movie theaters, and you felt it important enough to address us late at night.
So you see, Mr. President and news stations everywhere, those few moments induced quite a bit of panic. Next time do you think you could personally call me first and let me know what is up? I promise to keep it quiet. It's just good for my state of mind.
Despite this little snafu, I do want to commend you on a job extremely well done, and also tell Donald Trump to shove it. You really did have more important things to do than provide him with your birth certificate. And also, you have nicer hair.