Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Magnetic Ribbon Theory

I am a very impatient driver.  Unfortunately for me, I have spent the better part of the last year in the car, commuting.  This allows me a great deal of time to analyze the drivers around me.  After significant time in observation, I have now been able to develop what I call the Magnetic Ribbon Theory.  Since this was an unfunded, unofficial research project, I will continue to call it a theory.  However, I am always right (ha!), and I think you will agree with me.

Problem #1 - Minivans

Minivans are not always a problem on the road, but often times the people that are driving minivans are very distracted.  They are carrying precious cargo and feel the need to drive at least under 10 miles an hour under the speed limit.  The age of the driver does affect the speed, as well as the socio-economic status of the driver.  For example, an old rusty minivan with dirty windows, a driver that is chain smoking and 18 unbuckled children are bouncing around will most definitely drive in a slower fashion than your local soccer moms.

Can you please explain to me why old people like to drive minivans anyway?  It's not like they ever use the back seats or need the extra space.  I genuinely don't understand.

Problem #2 - Gold or Silver Cars

A car's color is very telling.  We all know that insurance companies and cops believe that bright colored cars yield speedy drivers.  I am here to tell you that, in general, gold, silver or even white cars are being driven by drivers that tend to drive more slowly.  Young or old, poor or rich, these cars are putzing along.  Is this because they are people that like to play it safe?  Safe car color, safe driver?  Or is it because they are all driving Buicks, and we all know that old people drive Buicks.

I would also like to know why Crown Vic's are the popular choice for the old folks.  It looks like a police car.  They will never drive them quickly.  Hmmm.

Problem #3 - Handicap License Plates

In no way to have a problem with disabled people's rights to have great parking.  They deserve it!  I do, however, have a problem with a handicapped driver driving as if they are turtles.  Come on, people, get to your prime parking more quickly!

Problem #4 - Magnetic Ribbons

We've all seen them.  Ribbons that can be attached to the side of a car, professing your patriotism for our country, support of troops, support of breast cancer awareness...we get it.  However, it's like the magnetic pull of those little tiny magnets is somehow pulling on the cars brakes, rendering them incapable of driving at a speed greater than 20 MPH on surface roads, 45 MPH on highways.  This problem is, without fail, consistently maddening.  I challenge you.  Find ONE car with a magnetic ribbon that is not poking along.  Just one.  It won't happen.  Something about those magnets takes over the driver's ability to drive!

Problem #5 - A gold or silver minivan, with handicap plates and a magnetic ribbon or three

The death knell for your morning commute.

Folks, as a kind community gesture, rip those magnets off, step on it, and get out of my way!


  1. Melissa, think about whose car it was first!!!

  2. Hey I DO use the back seat of my minivan, quite often actually...



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