Sunday, November 27, 2011

Vampires for Planned Vampirehood

I have two friends that force me to go to movies against my will.  Both of these girls are tremendous friends to me.  Between the three of us, we've been through broken bones, broken engagements, weddings, sick family members, births, job changes, and deaths in the family.  So because I love them, I go.  It's a tradition.  But since they make me go to movies about vampires and werewolves, I don't go without a fight!

I read the books and I HATED THEM.  This is not a popular opinion, I know, but I thought the Twilight series was extremely poorly written.  In both the books and the movies, I have a few fundamental problems with some major story elements.  Let's dissect the problems, shall we?

Let's start with Bella, the most obnoxious character ever.

Bella, Bella, Bella.  She's so whiney!  I mean really, Edward, that is who you've been waiting for all eternity for?  Come on!  There are much more pleasant girls out there for you to pick.  Also, Edward, perhaps you can't hear her thoughts because there are none there.  I'm just saying.

And then, to add fuel to the fire, they pick Kristen Stewart to be Bella in the movies!  Seriously?  Is this actress a) capable of ever closing her mouth b) do anything besides breathe heavily and twitch like a nervy Chihuahua and c) able to act?

Next, we have the problem of Edward Cullen, vampire hottie.  Or coldie.  Apparently, his body is like a marble statue and is cold to the touch.  I'm sorry, but snuggling with a cold statue is not my idea of fun.  And you know, making love to a cold statue does not sound pleasant.  I was very pleased to see, however, that they did not skimp on the lipstick budget for Edward in this last movie.  Heavens above, he must have enough lipstick!

For those that don't know, the family doctor, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, is a vampire, too.  He realized the error of his ways and dedicated his life to not sucking blood from humans.  He instead chooses to ignore the blood he deals with day in and day out and change his life by helping others in the medical field.  COME ON.  Seriously?  A vampire doing surgery?  You know, if you had a prescription drug addict and they took a job in a pharmaceutical factory to "help people" you know we'd all be like "SURE."

All these reformed vampires choose to stay in high school forever so that people don't see that they age.  I don't really understand that choice.  High school?  Not my favorite time of life.  There are such greater time periods!  I would not want to go to high school forever.  Life beyond high school is so much better.

And finally, spoiler alert!  After Edward and Bella get married, they go on a honeymoon and manage to get knocked up immediately.  I'm guessing that Bella didn't think to go to Planned Vampirehood before the honeymoon.  The baby turns out to be some mutant, and the book gets very, very bloody.  Yuck.  I read this book while I had a student teacher, and she interrupted her lesson to ask me why I was grimacing (PS, she sucked as a student teacher).

OK, let's just make this very clear.  You can't have a vampire/human pregnancy.  Seriously.  Let's go back to Edward and his lovely freezing cold body temperature.  Everyone knows that sperm have to be at just the right temperature to survive!  Too close?  The sperm fry up.  Too far?  The sperm freeze up.  There is no way that a vampire could have sperm if he's freezing cold!  Perhaps Stephenie Meyer should go to high school forever, like the Cullens, and maybe after a few hundred years a biology teacher will get through to her.

Then, this crazy baby thing inside of Bella needs to be fed.  It needs blood!  So Bella drinks blood to feed the mutant, and of course, it survives and thrives.  Seriously?  Stephenie?  Do you know anything?!?  She couldn't just drink blood and feed the baby!  It doesn't work like that.  You can't say "Gee, the baby needs a cheeseburger."  If you eat a cheeseburger, the baby doesn't get the cheeseburger.
Go back to high school, Stephenie!

I could really go on, but I better stop myself while I am ahead.  Overall, I don't get the big deal.  My mother tells me that it's romantic, and that's the appeal.  But I just can't get there in my mind.  My very patient friends put up with me griping all through the movies, and last night was no exception.  Kristen Stewart was at her breathiest/twitchiest.  The over-acting was killing me, and the music was like a horrible soap opera.

The search for a man continues.  And thanks to this dumb series, I now know that I do not want to be with a vampire.

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