Monday, September 20, 2010

This Bites

Once upon a time, there was a blonde with a million dollar smile.  Her teeth were straight, were affordable, and most importantly, cavity free.  When this blonde turned 28 she got her first cavity and she was shocked that her perfect mouth was now tainted.  Given the sorrow of now having a ruined mouth, combined with the stress of getting a Master's degree, the blonde threw caution to the wind and got more cavities.  Go hard or go home, right?
Then, the economy changed, the blonde was dental insurance-less (is that a word?) and the blonde decided to step up her oral health care and skip going to the dentist for a bit.  Like, a year and a half, two years MAX.

Recently, the blonde was minding her own business, eating hummus, you know the incredibly HARD food, when she felt something stuck in her teeth.  Hmm.  The blonde tried to floss it out, and upon floss insertion, the floss immediately broke.  Uh oh.  This was not good.  The blonde tried again.  And again.  And again.  She tried chewing gum (sugar free, of course!).  She tried using the SoniCare toothbrush.  Nothing changed.  She slid floss in between the tooth one more time and like magic, the floss went in!  She gently continued flossing when suddenly, part of her tooth fell out!


The next day, the blonde sheepishly went to a new dentist to deal with the hole in her tooth.  As she lay on the dentist chair, she became concerned at how much the dentist seemed to have to say about her teeth in his special dentist code.  He got to number 14, sighed, and said "Hmm.  Let's come back to number 14."  The blonde managed to gurgle out "That doesn't sound good."  He continued speaking in code to the dental assistant.  The blonde guessed that the dentist was using curse words in dental speak.  He went back to tooth number 14 and said "Decision time.  What should I do?"  The blonde shivered in her boots.

The dentist finished his exam and explained that the blonde had a few problems.  Like, four sessions worth of work.  He then totally freaked out the blonde by saying that she had severe gum recession and that if it got any worse he would refer her to a paleontologist (not really, I just can't remember the name of the guy) to discuss a gum grafting procedure.  


They want to cut the skin off of the roof of the blonde's mouth and attach it to her gums!!!!!!!  But, to comfort her, the dentist told her that after that surgery patients used to look like they had a tire patch attached to their gums, but not to worry, it doesn't look like that anymore.


Then, the price breakdown came.  Once the blonde came to, she realized that the four sessions to fix her teeth were going to cost more than her entire monthly salary her first year of teaching.


The blonde with the horrible teeth went home and told her sister about her sad tooth woes.  When the sister heard about the gum transplant, she gasped and immediately told her sister not to do it.  She said that she had a friend who had that done and that they offered for her to use the skin from a corpse's mouth.


The blonde immediately hurled all over the floor and began plucking her teeth out, one at a time, with pliers.

Not really.
You know, this teeth drama is really a metaphor for the blonde's life.  From the outside everything looks great, but on the inside, it's a hot mess!!

The blonde would prefer to remain anonymous because she doesn't want people to think she's a dirty skanky mouth.  She'd like me to tell you that she brushes and flosses every day and uses a flouride rinse!


  1. This is SO unfortunate and so hysterical, all at once. Oh man, I don't want my birthday to get here.

  2. The horror! So sorry, N.M., that does not sound fun. As the recipient of what I think is excessive dental work, I actually know what you are going through. It's periodontist, by the way. Maybe the receding gumline issue is genetic...



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