Friday, April 8, 2011

I Will be 95 When My Kids Graduate

Apparently, there has been some sort of conspiracy against me.   Or else, it's "National Bug the You-Know-What Out of Non-Mommy" week/year/decade/whatever.

I'm not making this up.  I'm also not really that bothered by this, but it's been a little repetitive this week/year/decade/whatever.  See if you can find what might be bugging me.

Student's parent: So, you should really take your children to that museum.  How old are your children? What?  You don't have children?  I'm sorry, I just assumed that you did, Mrs. Non-Mommy.  (How the heck do I have their child for a year and they don't know that I'm childless/not married?!  And it's MS. NON-MOMMY, thank you very much!!)

My dad, talking to someone else:  Oh, being a grandparent is just the most wonderful thing ever.  I just love that boy so much.  And I had to wait so long, too. I was beginning to think it was never going to happen!  My oldest daughter still hasn't found anyone yet.  (THANKS, Dad. Sorry I let you down! Oh geez.)

Friend who called me in the middle of the night:  I'm tired of you never being able to go out on dates with us, or that our kids can't play together.  Maybe you should go to a sperm bank!  You only have a few good years left before your eggs get old.

Insurance rep at work to talk to us about cafeteria plans, disability, etc.:  Well, Non-Mommy, is there any chance that you'll be trying for a baby soon?  If so, you definitely should sign up for disability because blah blah blah.  (No, there is no chance.)  Oh really? Not even in the next three years?  (No.) You really don't see yourself having a child in the next three years?  If there is even a chance, you should really take out this policy.  (LOOK, BUDDY, NO. If you can predict the future, then go right ahead, but no, as of now, the child forecast calls for no new action in the next three years! But thanks for the painful reminder!)  Ok, well, Non-Mommy, I also see that you're entering a new age bracket.   Now, if you are interested in taking out this policy, you really need to take it out now, because as you get older, and move into the next age bracket, it gets significantly more expensive.  (AHHHHH!!!! You have got to be kidding me.  First, children, now, you're calling me old?!  Get me out of here!  Where is the nearest exit?  Thank you for really hitting me below the belt, you fat loser!  YES, yes, I admit it, I'm no longer the cute, young teacher.  WAHHHH!!!)

Twit at a child's birthday party, where I was the only non-mother: You're going to be a great mother.  I can't wait to see what your kids look like.  (Thanks.  I'm a little curious, myself.)  So do you want to start a family any time soon?  (No. I don't.  I have a black heart.  I never want to be with anyone, or have children.  I've decided to go through life, shunning the traditional family unit and instead go to events such as this, and stare at other people's children.  What does she expect me to say? I  mutter something like "Sure, when the time is right.")  Well, have you considered single parent adoption? (Um, I don't need your help planning out my life, thanks!  And I'd kinda like the kid to have a father!   Wait. Hunkle, my sister's hot brother in law is available.  Maybe I should go work on him!   We'd have gorgeous children!  Excuse me while I go seduce this man who is physically a million times out of my league.)

Student who is going to give me gray hair before my time, in the middle of a lesson about the branches of government:  How come you're not married?  And don't have kids?   I've never had a teacher who wasn't married before.  Have you tried internet dating?

My own mother!!! (Holding my nephew on her lap.) All I need now, Non-Mommy, is another baby on my other leg. (I already have children.  With Superman.  They are currently  on another planet, safe from Lex Luther.)  [Really, Mom, I'm not mad at all.  Don't take this personally.]

But hey, no pressure.

Excuse me while I go reserve a space at the nearest nursing home, and try to convince my eggs to stay young.  And bang my head against the wall.

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