Lately, I've been trying to swim more, even though being in a swimsuit is tantamount to having my teeth pulled with pliers, in the garage, with no painkillers. Also, being so very blonde, it makes my hair look like this:
No matter, because it feels great to my body and I have an 80 year old ankle (due to repeated injury). Swimming is the best choice for me.
Taking this very seriously, I opted last week to get up and swim at 5 a.m. FIVE A.M.! I rolled out of bed, put on my suit and got to the gym only to find three good old boys waiting to enter the pool. They clearly were very serious about swimming, carrying their apparatus and wearing these:
In case you didn't know, that is Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince Von A-hole.
So, the Speedo clad men, carrying their timers, kickboards, paddles, and other swimming gear looked at me like "What are you doing in OUR POOL?! Get out of here, fat lady in the swim suit! You are not welcome and you are going to slow us down with your pathetic swim skills."
Being the self-confident, assured single hottie that I am, I immediately thought about bolting and forgetting it all together. I felt like I might break out in shingles just thinking about how they were going to be going so fast, and I was going to be the tortoise-like intruder. I worried about if my back fat was showing and if they were laughing at my bed head.
But, given that I had gotten out of bed just for this, and had no other workout clothes with me, I decided to persevere. I beat them to the three lanes of the pool, and hopped in quickly so they wouldn't my body. I could literally read their thoughts as they thought about who was going to have to share a lane with ME. I am not a fan of sharing a lane, and didn't fancy doing it with Michael Phelps's cousins.
The last one to the lanes saw he was stuck with me and he literally drooped his shoulders. I wanted to hang myself by my goggles.
...the man pulled out...
HIS NOSE PLUGS.
Real men don't wear nose plugs! Neither to expert swimmers. Or, you know, anyone that isn't these girls:
Seriously. And I'm still single?
Anyway, I shared a lane with the nose plugger. And I swam easily 4 times faster and farther than he did. All those silent smack talk conversations were for nothing!
At 5:55 a.m., I left the pool feeling more awesome and confident than ever.