Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Tack That Saved Non-Mommy

I have some sleep issues.  Besides being a light sleeper, I am a very active sleep walker.  It runs in the family.  My Grandpa did it, I have a cousin who does it, and as long as I can remember, my mom has woken up, seen "a man" in her bed (my father) and thought "He can't see me in my pajamas!" and put clothes on to protect herself from "the man in her bed." She wakes up very embarrassed.

It seems to manifest itself more in me when I am stressed, but can happen any time. There have been three significant times that I have turned my alarm clock off in my sleep. All three times were before important events. Two were finals in college (one I completely missed, one I took the test in 15 minutes and then looked down to see that I was still wearing a white shirt with no bra), and one was a day I had an important meeting and was supposed to pick up another woman to take to the meeting.

There have been a few times I have woken up in the middle of the night, and in my sleep showered and dressed for the day.  As a teen, I did this and wandered around the house yelling "Hello? It's time to get ready to go!"

I've woken up roommates, yelling at them in Spanish.  I've woken myself up throwing alarm clocks, or chopping them with my arm.  I woke myself up once in my living room saying

"It's not me, I'm not the mayor."

But the piece de resistance was when I woke myself up, in my car, holding my bills.  Woah.  Not good.  I'm glad my subconscious didn't remember to pick up the keys.

In the past few years, I have used a sure fire solution to sleep walking.  I was wandering around in a Crazy Sleep Stupor, when my foot found a random carpet tack in the middle of the floor.  I'd lived in this house for years and had never, ever felt that tack before.  It was extremely sharp and woke me right up.  I even bled.  I went back to bed.  After that, I found that stupid carpet several more times, all while walking in my sleep.  In the midst of yelling "!@#$ %^&& !@#%!" it was keeping me from more trouble, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

I probably developed Tetanus from the stupid thing.  Hang on, let me check.  Yes, my jaw definitely feels more stiff.  I left it, though, with a pony tail holder around it so I wouldn't step on it during the day.  Thankfully, my subconscious didn't remember what that pony tail holder was for at night!

Now, I have moved.  As far as I can tell, I have not slept walked in the new house.  I have also not discovered any tacks in the carpet that might save me.

If you see a blonde driving erratically, holding her bills, and screaming about city governance, call 911.

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