Tuesday, June 8, 2010

CNMB Day 2

Yesterday when we left our heroine, she was sleepy and dealing with a scared chocolate lab.  The question still remains, did the blonde get a nap?  Did the former baby stay in his bed, or continue his Harry Houdini "Out of Bed" act?  

Yesterday, the blonde got lunch ready for the former baby.  She is determined that she will train this child, possibly a pickier eater than herself, to eat a peanut butter sandwich.  I mean come on, who doesn't like peanut butter??  Weirdo!

So far, the baby seems to survive on fruit, cheese and toast exclusively.  Being a non-mommy, the blonde figures she can get him to add a new food to his diet.  I mean, she was successful at getting him to eat funnel cake this weekend.  I'm sure his mother will add funnel cake to his regular meal rotation.  Score one for the non-mommy!

Anyway, nap time has been a real bear lately for the former baby.  Nighttime too, but nap time is all this non-mommy has to deal with.  The non-mommy feeds him his lunch, knowing that the nap time battle will begin soon.  How many times will the non-mommy have to return him to his bed?  What if he never sleeps?  What if he's crazy and then his night time routine is affected, and the former baby's parents fire the non-mommy from her job?  THE PRESSURE!

The former baby ate well, even eating a little bit of a peanut butter sandwich.  Then it was time for nap time.  Cue the music from "Jaws."

The non-mommy put the child in his bed.  She kissed him, wished him a nice nap and firmly told him that he may not get out of his bed.  He must stay in his bed.

She cracked the door.  She walked just out of sight, listening for the former baby to get up and do his shenanigans.

And then the skies parted, angels sang, and a miracle occurred.  The former baby went to sleep!!!  For the first time in, well, forever.

Only, the blonde isn't a mommy, remember?  So instead of rejoicing and going straight to sleep herself, she found herself riddled with anxiety.  What was that noise?  Is he up?  Is he really asleep?  Is he breathing?  Why did he fall asleep so fast???  She needs to know these things!!!!!

The rest of the day passed rather uneventfully, until the non-mommy heard the news of her friend giving birth.  She gave birth to a kid that was NINE POUNDS and ELEVEN OUNCES.  Now perhaps you have given birth to an even larger baby, and if so, the non-mommy salutes you.  But today the non-mommy was in the grocery store and saw a ten pound bag of potatoes and she imagined shoving that sack of potatoes through something so small...so...delicate.  She hasn't recovered from the horror yet.  Perhaps being a non-mommy is the way it should be.  Or, the non-mommy should take a cue from Angelina Jolie and adopt from all over the world.  I mean, adoption is expensive, but it doesn't cause third degree tears "down there."  Shudder.

So, today the non-mommy and the former baby went to the hospital to see this giant bag of potatoes...I mean the baby.  The mother of the sack of potatoes was rightfully very exhausted and in pain.  She was very emotional and crying, stressing about the baby not taking her breast and how much pain she is in, and that she can't do anything because she's in so much pain.  This conversation took place with the former baby on the non-mommy's hip, alternating between leaning WAY OVER to see the sack of potatoes laying in the bassinet, and crying anytime anyone laughs.  Don't ask me to explain it, I'm not a mother.

As we departed (quickly, I might add, because the non-mommy doesn't know how to handle these situations and she's happy with her girly parts in one piece and not being chewed on!) a group of nurses was oohing and ahhing over the former baby, exclaiming how darn cute he was.  They even noticed him going into the room and waited for him to come out just because he was so cute.  They talked to the former baby and instead of being his shy self, he spoke to them in his sing songy voice.  Then they complimented the non-mommy on her son, saying he looked just like his mommy.

Did the non-mommy correct them?  HECK NO!  She's happy to parade around pretending that adorable children are really hers!

Today, the non-mommy dreams that she'll feed the former baby a meal of all new foods and he'll eat it, be nourished and be satisfied.  Then, because his belly is fully of healthy, organic vegetables and a nice piece of steak, he'll immediately drop into his bed for a nap with no fight, only telling the non-mommy how wonderful she is and how much he loves her.  Then the non-mommy can take a nap herself, pondering as she drifts off to sleep, the purpose of all these baby proofing measures parents take to keep their children from opening doors.  He just opens the door anyway or breaks the locking strap.

Yes, the non-mommy can dream.

Because that will only happen in a dream world!


  1. I used to let people think you were my baby, too!

  2. Oh, and how dare you call my precious second-nephew (?) a "weirdo".

  3. Hilarious! I can completely relate to the two year old and new baby part of being a mommy.



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