Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Walking Disaster

Once upon a time, a certain non-mommy was helping her cousin paint her house.  She wore an old pair of Umbro shorts (missing the drawstring) that she'd had since high school because she didn't care if she got paint on the shorts. 

All day long, the shorts started to slip and the non-mommy had to grab them and yank them up.  She even left a white handprint on the butt of the shorts in her zeal to not flash her cousin, cousin's father, or cousin's husband, Norman.

After a long day of painting, the painting crew returned to their home, weary but having a good time together.  It was late, and everyone was tired.  Most people went to bed, leaving the non-mommy and Norman in the living room together.  Norman was on a laptop, and the non-mommy stood up to return her glass to the kitchen and settle into bed.

As the non-mommy approached the middle of the room, the drawstringless Umbro shorts suddenly fell to the floor, leaving the non-mommy standing in a paint covered shirt and her underwear.  Norman, being sucked into the laptop, did not even notice his cousin standing in front of him in her underwear.

Being the calm, cool, collected person that the non-mommy is, she shrieked:

This banshee-like wail, of course, made Norman look at the blonde non-mommy standing in her underwear in the living room.  

After yanking her shorts up, the non-mommy frantically explained what happened to her cousin.  Her cousin laughed and explained that Norman used to do triage in Iraq, he'd seen many dead bodies, and had watched her give birth.  He'd seen lots of gross things, so it was ok that he'd seen her in her underwear.  

Being compared to a juicy birth giving session or a corpse was little comfort to the non-mommy, but she survived.  The next morning, the cousin came to the non-mommy's room with a pair of pants that the non-mommy could paint in without flashing the entire state of California.

The delightful part of this story is that the cousin, Norman, and all others related still speak to the non-mommy this day.  They are truly the best.  Not just because of this incident, but this incident does put them higher up on the list.

Moral of the story:  If your pants fall off, instead of yelling "Don't look!" just pull them up and draw less attention to yourself!



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