Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Ideas in the middle of the night

It's 2:44 a.m. and I cannot sleep for the life of me.  My mind is racing.  So, lucky readers, you get to keep me company as I attempt to get my mind to shut off so I can get some much needed rest!  I won't bore you with the details, but this year (as in school year - I think in those terms, not calendar years) has been very difficult for me personally.  Several unpleasant things have happened.  The result was that at the end of the school year I was barely hanging on and was completely drained - both personally and professionally.

As a teacher, I am so fortunate to get the summers off.  Now before you get envious, it's not REALLY three months off, there are still lots of things to do during the summer, and I'll be honest - we work some crazy hours during the school year.  It all balances out.  I always look forward to the summer, but this year I was even more anxious for a break.  I needed time to do nothing, to unwind, to rest my body and my mind, and to heal.

So far this summer I have been swimming each day, I have been reading my eyeballs out, and I have been spending tons of time with my nephew, the Former Baby.  It has been just what the doctor ordered.  The Former Baby is at a really fun age.  He is anxious to learn and is soaking up new concepts each day.  The geeky teacher in me is thrilled to work with him and help him learn.

In fact, it's going so well, and I have effectively blocked out the fact that I am employed, that it makes me absolutely dread going back to work in the fall.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a good job.  I love being a teacher.  I just feel like I have no energy left to put into it, and not enough of myself to give to 60 children and their 120-180 parents.  Suddenly, this Former Baby Boot Camp gig is looking better and better!  I've talked myself into just quitting my job and homeschooling the Former Baby.  I mean, wow, how easy is this?!  And there's no pressure.  No paperwork.  It's just bliss!

But then I remember that the Former Baby Boot Camp gig supplies me with no income.  And I remember that I am not meant to work with toddlers or preschoolers because after time my brain becomes soft and begins to leak out of my ears.  And then I remember that I get very impatient with little ones and their dependence on adults.  And I remember that I like teaching material that I actually have to study first to make sure I understand, and that teaching basic things is beyond my intellectual needs.  And I remember that parents of preschoolers and toddlers are extremely clingy, needy, and overbearing and that I prefer to work with kids whose parents don't care (just kidding - sort of).  And finally, I just can't handle the phrase "Criss cross apple sauce, hands in your lap/spoons in the bowl" and I'd have to blow my brains out.

So, I started thinking about alternate jobs that would be less stressful and would still meet my intellectual and financial needs.  Here is what I've come up with:

Welfare System Moocher
This would require me to use Food Stamps to buy bacon, macaroni and cheese and other items that will allow me to still have enough cash to buy cigarettes.  It would also require me to pop out lots of kids so I could get more government assistance.  Finally, I would be forced to try and get my kid diagnosed with ADD/ADHD so that I could cajole their teachers into filling out a form so that my child would be eligible for disability. 

Pros:  I like kids.  I like not working.  I like macaroni and cheese.  It works well for millions of Americans.
Cons:  I don't smoke, and don't want to start.  I like showering every day.  I'm not sure I can yell loudly enough at my children in public.  And I'm not a mooch.

Verdict:  Not going to work.

Working the Street Corner
This would require me to dress in a risque fashion and try to lure men in with my provocative ways.

Pros:  It would keep my days free and I would work at night, when I am the most alert.  I hear it's good money.  It'd help me to get out and socialize more with the community.
Cons:  I don't even want to be in a swimsuit in public, let alone...you know.  I don't like carrying cash - do prostitutes accept debit cards?  I am not provocative.  And finally, the nearest corner is at my cranky neighbor's house.  He once got mad at his neighbors for shooting fireworks off on the 4th of July so he pointed his headlights at them so they couldn't see the cool glow of their fireworks, and regularly yells at people for weird things.  He might point the hose at me.  I don't think he'd tolerate prostitution.

Verdict:  Not going to work.

Becoming a Nun
This would require me to devote my entire life to the Catholic church, doing good for others and spending great amounts of time in prayer and study.  It would also require me to take on a different name.

Pros:  I don't have to feel bad about being single anymore!  I'd be married to the church!  I don't have to worry about not having kids.  I like being at church, and it'd be good for me to devote more time to prayer and study.  I also like helping people.
Cons:  I'm not Catholic.  I think that wearing that thing on my head would make my hair get curly and I wouldn't like that.  I don't want to be married to the church, I want to be married to a hot guy and have his cute babies!  And, I can't sing as nicely as those nuns on "The Sound of Music."

Verdict:  Not going to work.

I love to read and have a strong passion for literature.  This job would require me to work with the community, helping them locate books, use resources to assist them, and participate in programs that benefit others.

Pros:  I love to read!  Being in a place surrounded by books would be awesome.  It'd be nice to work in a quiet, less stressful environment.  I'd get to see children on a regular basis.  I would get my pick of the good books as they come out!
Cons:  I think this job is slowly going to become obsolete.  I'd have to babysit all the kids that get dumped at the library for free child care.  I'd have to deal with morons wanting to play World of Warcraft on the computer all day.  There are lots of old people in libraries and they make noises and smells that I just don't want to subject myself to.  There is a severe lack of funding in the library world.

Verdict:  Not going to work.

So...as you can see, it looks like continuing on with my job is the right choice, unless you can come up with better alternatives.  In the meantime, I will just continue to pretend that I am unemployed and that I don't have to go back to work soon.  I will also freak out later, when it's actually time to go to work, and stress out and get sick over the fact that I'll have to actually DO STUFF again.  But I'll save that for another post!

It's now 3:09 a.m.  Wish me luck getting some sleep.

1 comment:

  1. Seriously, you should be an author. Really, you are so funny!!!



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