Today begins our feature installment of "Confessions of a Non-Mommy Blogger." In this harrowing tale, our resident blonde takes over daycare duties of one adorable nephew (age: two) for two weeks as the nephew's normal caretaker, his grandmother, goes on a trip to Hawaii. Join us as we take an interesting journey through quasi-motherhood.
5:40 a.m. - Oh dear God, it cannot possibly be time to get up to take her to the airport.
5:43 a.m. - Hmm. This house seems awfully dark. I thought we had to leave by 6 a.m. to go to the airport?
[The blonde enters the dark master bedroom to find a peacefully slumbering mother.]
5:44 a.m. - Mom. Mom. MOM. MOOOOM.
[The slumbering mother jerks awake.]
5:45 a.m. - Mom, it's 5:45 and we have to leave in 15 minutes.
[The oversleeper levitates out of her bed and flies to the restroom. The blonde stumbles back to the living room, still in her pajamas, and plops on the couch. She may not be fully awake, but she secretly LOVES not being the one oversleeping, for once. It's a great sense of satisfaction to be the waker, not the wakee. 16 minutes later, the oversleeper makes it to the car and the blonde drops her off at the airport. She then returns home.]
6:25 a.m. - You know, being up this early isn't so bad! I think I'll have a bowl of oats and blueberry cereal and read the news on my laptop!
7:00 a.m. - I better take a shower. The baby [editor's note: FORMER baby] will be here soon.
7:05 a.m. - Oh crap, I have a massage tonight! I better get out the machete and tame these wild beast legs.
[Following her shower, the blonde puts on a shirt from her uncle's tire shop and her most comfy yoga pants. She then puts laundry in the washing machine. The baby arrives.]
7:40 - Hello! How are you?
7:45 - This is great! I'm doing laundry and the baby is playing happily. I totally want to be a stay at home mother!
[The blonde then plays cars with her nephew, making the appropriate crashing noises. She then begins to feel tired.]
8:05 - Oh man. I'm soooo tired. Isn't it time for a nap yet? Maybe this stay at home thing isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
[The blonde and the former baby then sing songs together and she then follows the former baby into a bedroom.]
8:20 - I'm so sleepy! This bed looks so comfy. I think I'll lay down.
8:20:30 - Ug!! Who is this small creature on my back?
[The blonde then pretends to be a horsey, giving the child a ride. Unfortunately, he likes this game and requests that she does it over and over, with a shrill cry of "AGAIN!!!"]
8:35 - OK, this horsey is tired, we have to stop. Hey, let's go read a book!
[The former baby shrieks "NO!" Then he begins to sing "Dinah won't you blow, Dinah won't you blow, Dinah won't you blow your hoooooorn!"]
8:45 a.m. - No, Former Baby, stop touching my laptop! This thing was expensive!
Stay tuned to this channel to find out what happens in the afternoon. Will the former baby nap well? Will the blonde get to take a nap?
*THIS JUST IN! A thunderstorm has just blown in, and instead of a scared baby, the blonde now has to deal with a hugely fat, scared chocolate lab that keeps trying to crawl in her lap. The excitement never stops!