See, ya, 2010

I've never done much on New Year's Eve.  In fact, for the past I don't know how many years, New Year's was celebrated with just two people - myself, and my father.  It usually involved spending a great deal of time on laptops, eating Wheat Thins out of custard cups, visiting and watching Anderson Cooper on TV.  Around midnight, I would get up and get us something to drink to toast in the new year, and we'd go to bed. 

Oh yes, and I'd be remiss if I left out that my cousin/best friend's husband usually calls me on the exact second that it turns midnight to wish me a happy new year.  So usually, the new year involves me sprinting to my phone while juggling some beverage and a custard cup of Wheat Thins.

Last year, I rang in the new year in bed at my parents' house.  I was still very, very weak from a severe case of the Swine Flu, and my parents were invited to a party.  They went to the party, I laid in bed wishing that someone would shoot me.  Deep down, I felt sad because I wasn't spending the night with my father like I always had, but I was so exhausted and weak that I didn't care that much.  As it turns out, that would be my father's last new year.  I'm glad he spent it with my mom.

2010 sucked.  Big time.  There were good things about it, but overall?  I give 2010 an F-. Tonight for the first time, I have to ring in a new year with one less parent.  I have to watch my mother suffer through her first new year without the love of her life.  2010 is just a series of four digits.  Somehow, though, the change from 2010 to 2011 is a hard number change for me.  Irrationally, it feels like since 2010 was the last time I saw my dad, leaving it is hard.  It's like I'm leaving him behind forever.

God has truly blessed me.  I've seen so many good things happen through twelve months of pure torture.  I know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I'm glad for that.  I don't wish him back.  I know that he's supremely happy and healthy.  I know that we've all made it nine months without him, and that we'll continue to do so.  I know that even through the fog of sadness and torture, there's been a beam of bright light, guiding us along and reminding us that we are loved and part of a greater plan.

Walk in the Light, beautiful Light,
Come where the dew drops of mercy shine bright;
Shine all around us by day and by night,
Jesus the Light of the world.

But 2010?  Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.

2011 is going to rock.  It has to.